Club Funny Bone Community Group
We all have a funny bone that is ticklish! Let's all have some fun and laughter, loosen up and cut up in a clean or, if you like, a dirty and ridiculous manner......everything goes on here from jokes to wordly gossip on your mind or just being a little bit silly! So come on and join in for the time of your life at Club Funny Bone! *****ALL MEMBERS MUST BE 18 yrs OR...
THE TRUCKER & The Blonde!
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I
want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires m ean three pancakes, a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of
crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
I LOVE THIS ONE...........
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting
for the flat tires, headlights and running boards,
you might as well gas up!"
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I
want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires m ean three pancakes, a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of
crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
I LOVE THIS ONE...........
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting
for the flat tires, headlights and running boards,
you might as well gas up!"
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!
LOL
because those who mind don't matter and
those who matter don't mind". Dr. Seuss
SST...CAN I QUOTE YOU ON YOUR QUOTE?? I LOVE IT.
An elderly couple in
their 80's were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: Put me down for Fridays
Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex This kind of
Sex happens
When you first meet someone and you both have sex
Until you are blue in
The face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is
When you have
Been with your partner for a short time and you are so
Horny you will
Have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is
When you have
Been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has
Gotten routine and
You usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is
When you have
Been with your partner for too long. When you pass
Each other in the
Hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which
Means you get
Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at
Night.
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you
Cannot
Stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and
Screws you in front
Of everyone
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is
Called: Social
Security Sex. You get a little each month.
But not enough to live on
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin". "Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?"
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate! He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."
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Damn Tree Huggers
While walking through the Boulder Colorado woods a man came upon another
man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he
inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing? "I'm
listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You gotta
be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his
arms
around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other
guy,
slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys,
then
stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy
handcuffed to
the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He
told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he
finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy,
walked
around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Man, this
just ain't gonna be your day cupcake..."
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A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few
occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone
rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see
this
psychic dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog
moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the
telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel
chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number
was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and
moaning.
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Subject: AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES;
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will
be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and
should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
Thoughts for the day:
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
Be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might
need them to empty your bedpan.
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES......THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING......BUT......THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH
THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS. Other than that be nice ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
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Upon reaching 65, old Tom decided to retire. After having him under foot
for a few months, his wife became very agitated
with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy him like join a
club or get a hobby.
Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home his
wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the
corner
bar and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club."
"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start
parachuting?"
"Yeah, look I even got a membership card." "Old man, you need glasses!
This is a membership in a PROSTITUTE CLUB!"
"OH, GREAT! NOW WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I SIGNED UP FOR 5 JUMPS A WEEK!!"
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New drink!
>
>
>
> A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.While they?re
sitting there having a good time together
she starts talking about this really great new drink.
>
>
>
>The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts
trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in
and lets her order the drink for him.
>
>The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar --
>
>A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
>
>The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
>
>"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the
shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the
lime juice."
>
>So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
>
>He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.
>
&g t;He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.
He >thinks - this is OK.
>
>Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
>
>... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
>... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
>... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.
>
>This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to
disappoint >his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.
>
>When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,
"Jesus, what do you call that drink?"
>
>She smiles widely at him and says............
>"Blow Job Revenge"