Hi Angelo,

I am a 31 year old Navy veteran also born with bilateral CL and P. I've been out a year and a half and I only served 4 years, but there've been times I wished I enlisted right after high school. I also did some pretty serious examination of how I felt about my cleft when i was about 25. It is an ongoing process, but I believe that there is a gift for self-reflection and considering the perspectives of others that develops through this struggle.

I am sorry to hear you are in such a dark place right now. I'm super glad you are here, and I would encourage you to review some of the older posts if you are interested in getting some peer perspectives. I've found it can be very satisfying, insightful and cathartic.

Regarding what you said about "accepting what an ugly person" you are: remember that beauty has both an objective and a subjective side. Sure, people tend to naturally linger their gaze on symmetrical, well-defined features. But there truly is a subjective side as well (i.e. beauty is also in the eye of the beholder.) I bet there are more women out there than you think who would be interested and wouldn't care a bit about your cleft. Of course, there is a whole skill set there that you might not have learned as quickly as other people your age -- at least, that's been my experience. But I've encountered enough girls by now who've indicated interest to realize that the reason I haven't had more success is entirely because of my own lack of confidence and initiative. I have faith that I can accomplish fixing this and any other goal I set my mind to.

Thanks for posting! Look forward to speaking more with you.

Your fine man. Just remember everyone is different. I've seen the most attractive ladies/fellas out there that are so ugly inside you gotta take a bath after talking to them. Pardon my french..but fuck em. =)

Hello,
I don't think anybody on here would call you a coward.

Tbh, I always have on and off struggles with those feelings as well.
Don't worry, most people are actually quite decent (I'd say they're neutral-nice) ; more so in one-on-one conversation, the group mentality can really be a bitch.
I know too much that feeling of liberty that comes with the "realisation". But it's a trap, it's no liberty in fact, it's one more prison we lock ourselves in. I don't think I have to convince anyone, and everyone is entitled to their choices, but thinking about death daily doesn't seem like a healthy coping mecanism.
I get that the fact we'll die one day, and that the possibility of there being an exit issue can add value to life's chaoticness, but in the meantime we're alive ; and life goes on.

Trust me I've been living that way since a few years and it's excruciating to be in the same situation (dropped out of college, constantly losing friends,...) because it's really hard to get back on track after that, which leads into a vicious cycle.

Possibly including but not necessarily your business degree ; what are you interested in ? What's your history ? What defines you as a person other than the cleft/your feelings of ugliness/... ? What game did you play most when you were a child ? If you shift your focus towards and invest in yourself, you become less of a potential prey to strangers. You'll be more inclined to stand your ground if someone gives you shit as well. It's not being egotistical, it's being self-assured.

I'll like to give you a little tip that helped me a lot through all of this : "Let others define your worth up in their own terms ; they may be the judge, but you are the actor. "
Also : "Even if I'm really ugly, I have no interest in thinking I'm ugly, because it would make me double ugly then".

Thank you, all of you. I've tried/trying so hard to get past my cleft lip and it's inferiority complex it has giving me. I keep thinking: If only my mother didn't drink, if only I didn't have to live with this hideous scar - then my life wouldn't be so damn miserable. And folks, that'd the truth. I know it doesn't help by thinking this, but it's the damn truth and I'm having a hard time getting over it. Is life so hard for you all like it is for me? Do you fantasize about suicide like I do?
I was referred to see a plastic surgeon by the VA , and I see said surgeon on the 9th - next week tuesday. I'm telling myself that if he can't help me, then that's okay and I'll be alright. But in my heart I know I'll be devastated if he can't perform work on me. I can't keep living like this. I'm depressed as fuck.
God help me

Man, it hurts to see this. I think you need professional help. Have you ever tried talking through it with a therapist ? I know most people are usually reticent to the idea (especially men) but not all of them are in it for the bucks and some will go at lengths to help you change your circumstances or your beliefs.
I don't know if you do art stuff/writing/or even sports, but that can be a real helper. When I was at my lowest I spent a week doing nothing but punching a bag when I got home from school, I can't tell why but it really helped to allievate bad feelings.

I know it's damn tempting to think about "what if's", and it can be a nice source of confort (at leat temporarily) but in the long run it's a waste of time ; your life will not be improved by thinking about what could have or not have happened. Live as if you'd live forever, just in case.

Well, I hope you considered it as an improvement rather than a life sentence, but how did that operation turn out ?