Hey Miller, glad you're talking here. That's the first step in moving forward. I think depression would come with or without the cleft. It's just the thing your brain is using to latch on to. It only looks like everyone around you has got it all. Pain, sadness, and insecurity come to everyone. Even those with seemingly perfect looks. My therapist just spoke to me the other day about low-hanging fruits. Meaning that I was choosing easy things to worry about, obssess about, feel bad about. When in reality, at this very moment, at the moment when I was worrying, everything was really alright. For instance, when you are feeling bad about your cleft, at that moment is your cleft actually causing you trouble? Are you at that moment dealing with someone who is giving you a hard time about it? No? Then is everything actually ok at that moment? No danger, etc? Do you get my drift? It's about staying in the present moment and has helped me tremendously this past year to move past my fears and actually enjoy this life I have, from moment to moment. I would dare say that you would be surprised and amazed at how your family and friends really view you. I found out only recently how much people I knew admired me. This floored me. I had, and have the same issues as you with self-esteem, insecurity, depression, etc, most especially around my face. We are so much more than we know ourselves to be. Big hug Miller. I know you are awesome.

Wow, trucker, you hit the nail on the head! While you're at it, hit miller on the head and knock some sense into him. He's a good looking blood dude from across the pond and he's a whole lot of fun. He knows how to bring the best out in people. Now he just needs to do that for himself. :-)

you guys are awsome.

Hey miller, just saw your post. I can totally relate to everything you said. It's easy to think about how the way we were born has shaped who we are and the social/psychological problems we have. But, for me and I'm sure for you, being different has surely led us to be better in many ways than we would've been if we were born without a cleft.

For you, it may be your interest in music and psychology that may have otherwise not been there if it weren't for your "difference". Maybe you escaped to those things when the "normal" kids were working on being average and uninteresting! If you told me I could look "normal" but give up my artistic ability, I'd think hard about it, but I'd choose to be the way I am. And I think you'll find as you get older, females of your age start going for interesting guys who aren't necessarily model-material. I'm 32, and honestly I think 30 yr old chicks avoid the really good-looking guys all together.

Anyway, it's strange how things change over time for us who've grown up with a cleft. I think it'll get easier for you from this point on. Ramble complete!

Derek

cheers for the good advice guitar arts. Are you a guitarist yourself?

I totally agree that we, with clefts, look for less mundane and more interesting ways to fill our time, by developing different talents!

Hi Miller, my name is Tanner Harmon. I have also been born with a cleft lip, its not major and most people dont even notice. But as i read your comments and everyone elses im shocked to see that everything you went through both mentally and physically, has happened/happening to me as well. other than constantly worrying about my appearance towards others, part of the reason i struggle mentally is the fact i never had a relationship with my biological father. he was in the military and upon him finishing he was 20 years old and married my mom, year later they had me. he also treated her badly, and around the age of 5 or so, and after moving to place to place, they divorced, and my mother and i lived in an apartment until she met my step father. i am lucky to recieve even a text asking how im doing or whats going on in life, for years all i got was picked up, taken to eat at a shit restaurant for 20 minutes, then head back home. now i rarely get anything. although i would never dream of trading away my half brother, or my step father, who i consider my father and has helped me through all my previous struggles, there is still that void of unconditional love i never got from my real father. he lives 30 mins away and feels like its cross country, thats how little i see or talk to him,, now a days, i dont care what he thinks of me or how he feels, he is the one that messed things up for us two, and never has/never will try to rebuild, nor will i let him anymore...but that void is still a significant factor in my life, as i wonder, is it because im different that he never wanted anything to do with me, or what is it that ive done for him to treat me like nothing, and treated my mother badly also... I enjoy being the guy who makes others laugh and have a good time, but i just get uneasy when there is multiple people all looking at me, it just starts all these crazy thoughts like, are these people staring at my lip? are they secretly thinking im weird or strange, or are these people going to judge/make fun of me while im there or even not around...this is just one of the many examples of the things i deal with to this day. I have honestly never talked to anyone about my feelings toward having this defect, im proud of who i am, and proud of what and who i have in my life, but just today for the first time i had a nice long drive with my mother and confessed to her how i feel and how i had these emotions bottled up all these 18 years. i've reached out to this site and joined this group to maybe find the strength i need to move forward happily in life, be successful, be able to handle others' judgements, and really just LIVE. i look forward to what replies people give me on here, positive or negative, ill take them kindly...just a small town kid looking for some help

Tanner its scary how your life mirrors mine. My mum had me at 21 aswell and my dad qas cheating on my mum and left me and my sister. he lives in another country now and i dont much of a relationship with him. I kinda feel let down, and wondered why hes left and hes mibye not proud to have a son with a birth defect. do i embarrase him. my mum is also re married and she is the best thing thats ever happened to me. love my mum so much. I get exactly the same thoughts around people as you do. paranoid thoughts that people are seceretly judging me that im not as worthy a person. its a horrible feeling to have socially. feeling anxious and oaranoid. away glad youve joined. look forward to chatting with you sometime. all the best aron

My parents never split but they were cruel and angry about having a child who wasn't perfect. They admitted as much when I questioned them as an adult. I worked through all of it and forgave, for my sake, as well as theirs'. As good as all of that is, I still, on my worst days, tend to blame anything negative in my life, on my cleft. It makes no sense. most of the time. Some times it does make sense but really... who cares? I am me and I'm proud of me and that's enough! So... most days, I hold my head high and convince those around me that I'm not really as scared as I really am. Most of the time it works!

thanks guys, some positive feedback is what i really needed, much appreciated, look forward to chatting more with you guys in the future, and hopefully figuring out how to put a profile pic on here lol