insecure: I am sending you a river of love and hugs. Hold on to them like life rafts and remember, you are very "courageous." Feeling the pain that you feel is not easy. Not by any stretch. But we love you and while that's not enough to make the pain go away, please keep having those "second thoughts." One day (maybe sooner than you think) you may feel differently. I hope so. Hugs and love.

Insecure, Im really worried about you. I want you to be ok. You are worthwhile and you are a wonderful person. Im here for you and sending lots of love n hugs...

insecure, I understand how difficult life can be at times. I've never thought of ending it but I've often thought about how I can change my life so it is easier. I often feel stuck.

I wonder how it is that we can end up feeling so trapped in a life that is no longer working for us. How can we create a life that is meaningful & pleasant ... and even "fun"? Is it possible? I don't have the answers but maybe someone else does.

Your telling us this brings to my awareness of the ambivalence that can occur when contemplating suicide.

You don't want death, you want relief from pain.

A water-born death is one of deep darkness and disappearance from view. You are seeking to hide from your pain; yet your pain will follow you to the bottom. When your body dies, you yourself will still be lonely and in pain, I would imagine.

Step back from the bank...come into our arms of love...in the warmth and dry and sunshine.

Calm down...eat something...feed yourself and let's continue talking about your repressed pain. You have much to learn of yourself. You can't do that at the bottom of the river...

Sending you my peace and strength to deal with what is hurting you. Everything doesn't always have answer. Just know deep down inside your self you LOVE you. That is why you don't follow through!! AND SO DO SO MANY OTHERS!!! Empower yourself. One small smile can lead to a ouch of gold. Pain does go away....I have been at that edge. We have to control us. Each day is a choice.... make a decision each more to let the sun in!! I am here if you want to chat!!

i cant remember who it was now but someone recently told me the worst thing one can do is wonder about the meaning of life because there is no answer that the human can understand or know for sure at this stage of existence and therefore all you cause yourself is pain....our job is to live life and in the living of it 'trust' that you will be fulfilling your purpose even if you do not know what that purpose might be....

everyone is different and not everyone believes in God but as you know I have rationalised my suicidal thoughts on the basis that I am not sure death would be an improvement

Also, I am not so arrogant to believe that I am the highest authority I therefore believe that the highest authority will choose the moment of my death and in the interim although I cannot know my purpose...or perhaps I am unsure of it at this stage I believe it is my purpose to.....live the very best life i can live in the meantime...and then....I am fulfilling my life and my purpose...which i may or may not actually understand myself

ok it might sound like a pile of old twoddle but this is what i believe

I love and trust God and I find comfort in the knowledge that I am not the highest authority and therefore I live the best life I can live....which might only mean surviving and learning to understand & cope with my pain

For the last 2 years my mission has been to survive then it was to survive and heal and next,,,who knows we shall see....

your mission at this time insecure should you choose to accept it is to find a way to survive and to trust that your life does have a purpose even if you do not undersand what it is

blind faith?

perhaps

I am only explaining how i think because it brings comfort to me in the hope that it may bring comfort to you...

Love n hugs

xxx

ok weird example....the other day on leaving work i chose a different route and i passed the hospital and i happened upon a young woman with a broken arm and leg...plastered but she was hobbling off somewhere...i was concerned...it was a busy road she was alone and she did not seem to be going very well...shakey and wobbley she was....i stopped and asked her if she was ok and if she needed any help...actually she said yes please i do because its a very busy road and i need to get across and i have been wondering how i would get over to the other side on my own and i had hoped i would bump into someone to help me.....

and so she confidently took my arm as if i was an old friend and i helped her over the road and across the grassy bit she said thank you and i continued on my way....

i can think of many small examples of things like this that have happened to me...

You might then think well big deal....what is the purpose of your life?? and everyone is looking for something BIG and exciting right? like being a doctor or inventing something...working tirelessly day and night to feed the needy...but maybe our purposes are not clear cut and BIG maybe sometimes its just about being in the right place at the right time and offering that tiny moment of love and care to a stranger ...saying something at a particular moment that you might not even give a second thought....but that changes someone elses life forever...

I have no doubt that you are fulfilling your purpose every minute of every day its just you cannot see it right now...

don't give up insecure

someone might need one day that you haven't even met yet...



xxx hugs xxx

Insecure I think the fact that you did not let yourself into the river was the courageous thing to do. You chose life. I am so very proud of you. If you ever need someone to talk to....call me or text me. I want to be here for you. I love you and want to support you as you climb out of that "black hole" of yours.

Now I always used the analogy the fucking demons were in the drivers seat of my Audi convertible, dragging me around......running over me..backing up...running over me again. (the latest catalyst to my PTSD was a MVC) One day I grabbed that MF demon from hell from the drivers seat and shoved him in the trunk and regained my rightful position. That piece of shit may try to sneak out of the trunk from time to time, but I now have the tools to slam his ass back in!

The point of me sharing my story of my demon? Well I like blackdog's story of helping the elderly lady. You never do know who you might meet and how they or you might be affected. I completely believe that our paths do cross for a reason. Also in regards to blackdog's response I found that once I had that fucker locked in the trunk, I went into the "pay it forward" mode. I had struggled so badly all by myself for so long until I met Clair and 3 others here at DS. They saved MY life. I vowed to be there when I saw someone struggling themselves. I have found this to be not only rewarding but also therapeutic. It really have helped me to "improve" my own condition and place me farther down the path of my own healing.

Insecure...I sort of went off on a tangent there. Basically i want you to know I love you and I am so glad you chose the courageous path of life. I am here for you to lean on anytime you need a friend.
Hugs
xxx

thanks for that Rae...I think you explained better what I was trying to say about the paths crossing....its hard to explain but yep thats it so we are all needed and all have purpose but its often subtle and the weave of life is so intricate we do not always realise the changes and affects we are having on others....

oh anyway enough of my rambling

love you both

xx