Chronic Pain Support Group
Physicians and professionalsdefine pain as chronic if it lasts longer than three to six months and is persistent. It's distinct from acute pain that is a direct result of injury or trauma. This support group is dedicated to those suffering from chronic pain. Discuss treatments that have worked for you, find advice for your specific experience, and find support. You're not...
My hubby has upset me so much that I had to leave last night for my own safety. Today and tomorrow are his last days of work. His ambulance company lost their contract. My nerve block I very much felt it last week and definatly this weekend but it has stopped helping me. I was in so much pain the past two days I was either in bed or on the couch. And with the new meds I was feeling dizzy and sick Im sure you all know the feeling. Anyways I can understand how my hubby feels. But we started arguing if his stupid beloved show south park was in hd or not just because it was on the hd channel. I have talked to direct tv enough it is not. But it went from there to i do not do anything. Im not workign and I dont do anything around the house. He threw the remote at me!! I had a red mark for a couple hours. That was it I grabbed just everything near me and went to a friends house Im still there. I came back while he was at work for some clothes and I starting crying as soon as I walked through the door. I called both a lawyer today and my counselor and a marriage counselor. Apparantly we need to go more. He told me that I have changed and I really dont want to be working I dont want to get out of bed. I use my pain as an excuse. Told me to live with it and get on with my life. He wont talk to my dr he wont try to listen to me. Im under him so to say about the house too. Marriage is supposed to have ups and downs I know. And I know this is the chronic pain group but this is what it has brought me. Depression and possibly an abusive hubby. Im scared to even be around him. to tlak to him. I cannot keep doing this. And yes this didnt start until I was sick. I have always worked until Jan08. He hates me now. I pretty much hate myself I feel trapped inside here. i just needed to vent this stuff I cannot talk to him right now and I cannot talk to my fmaily about it. And again this is about my pain I had people be mean last time I said something about him. And Im sorry my laptoip is on the fritz so now at my friends I can use hers some.. I send you all hugs I hope your day is going better than mine. Any good places to put the fentanyl patch. I keep getting red, itchy, and tiny bumps where I put it no where else. I have to go ttyl
Love and hugs Meagan
Love and hugs Meagan
Sometimes stress can make our pain 10 times worse.
It sounds like your hubby is under alot of stress but had no right to throw things at you.
Marriage counselling is great and having some time apart helps as well.
http://www.newdirectionsshelter.org/redflags.php
I've never heard a positive thing your husband has done for your pain, or for you. Sure, he may be nice for a minute to keep you around, but then what? Does the minute of niceness balance out all the stress, hurt, and tears? There are people out there who will help you rather than hurt you, and accept you, horrid pain condition and all its concequences!!! Look at it this way, you have an advantage when looking for a new mate! Having your condition is a great way for weeding out the men that will treat you terribly as your husband does!!! It's like the ultimate filter. You're still so young, I'm sure you don't want to be miserable and afraid the rest of your life and deep down you know what I say is right, you don't deserve any of the treatment from your husband and there are better people out there!!! I believe that your relationship would be "better" if you didn't have your condition, but honestly, that isn't saying too much because when you took your vows, it was in sickness and in health, but your husband only planned on the health part and want or didn't plan on the sickness part! This is very selfish and immature. IMHO, he will never change, he will always control you by making you feel like your condition is your fault and that you aren't doing enough or "worthy." This is how he controls you!!! I'm sure you don't want to be controlled!!!
Please take care of yourself and remember that we're all sooooooooo proud of you for leaving. Please stay strong!!!
Much love and understanding,
Lisa
As to your husband, i am so sorry your going thru this. this is a support board, when we have chronic pain we also have all the issues that go with it, i bet your not alone. i know your not, i to go thru this sometimes. First off, the big fight, i bet it wasnt about the show, it was about him losing his job. second, you have the RIGHT to feel safe, if that means not living with him then so be it. He is hurting you so he feels better. It isnt right or fair, i go thru the same thing so i know how you feel hun i really do. YOU can only do so much for your marriage, things happen in life that we arent expecting. We have to adapt and learn how to deal. I am sure your pain isnt going to just go away. You have to learn for you what you can do and what you cant right? well either he is going to be supportive or he isnt, thats his choice. as much as you want your old husband back, i doubt he will show himself again. Some people just cant handle being a true caretaker. i pray that you are able to find safety and your stress level is dealt with (it causes pain to be worse). You need to think about YOU, take the time to think of your choices. what you deserve. please take care of yourself and stay safe. there are places you can go for help. I have been in them years ago.
hugs hun please take care
First of all, you need to be SAFE. No woman can risk being in a potentially abusive situation. He can make an excuse that "I didn't mean to hit you with the remote." But, if something else happens, he may make an excuse for that, too. The next thing that will happen is profuse apologies, promises, a few weeks or months of him "being nice" (I bet you 200.00 he brings you flowers thinking that will make everything fine. eye roll) and then without either DEEP therapy or separation, he'll fall into the same pattern.
My dh often gives me a hard time, as I am not a great house keeper. To put myself in a World of Pain, scrubbing and cleaning things which don't need it, and are just going to look like crap again in a few hours, and then have no one notice and him and the kids mess the place up in a few hours isn't worth it.
We were almost at the point of getting an occasional House Keeper, and the finances fell into the Potty! (I brought home a book from the Library called "A housekeeper is cheaper than a Divorce.") Now, that is out of reach. I sure as hell am not going to do it, and risk a hard breakthrough. No way. IMO, toilets, sinks, laundry and children need to be reasonably clean, everything else can wait.
I run a small business, but he was raised that "people work" meaning work for SOMEONE ELSE a set schedule every week. He has complaints when my business isn't good. (And in this economy, what business IS good?)
His mom cleans compulsively, it's her ENTIRE LIFE, (Man, talk about something WORSE than Pain, nonstop cleaning) and the man never saw a dust bunny until he moved in with me (Him: "AUGGHH, what IS that thing?" Me: "It's a Dust Bunny, they're good for your immune system. Leave it alone.")
Men are in the particular position of wanting us to be EVERYTHING their moms were (and in my generation, growing up in the 60s and 70s, moms stayed home and cleaned) AND be everything women on TV are, having a "full time" job, making tons of money (but, heck no, not more than him) and cooking and keeping the place spotless.
Helen Gurley Brown was full of poop. You CANNOT "have it all." Especially if you are in Chronic Pain. Even if you aren't. Something has to go by the wayside. And IMO, keeping an immaculate house is a waste of time. JMHO.
I have to remind my husband (without it ALWAYS being the main topic of conversation) that I actually DO have it a little worse than he does, with the pain, the meds and the side effects of both. I take care of the kids, do the laundry (that has to be done, he claims he "can't work" the front loader washing machine, and will probably "break it" if forced to. Uh huh.) clean the absolute minimum and run a small business, all while in pain all the time.
At one point, I went "On strike." One day I had spent 2 or 3 hours scrubbing the kitchen floor (I had a LOT of Vicodin in me that day) with a scrub brush, steel wool, an entire roll of paper towels, the dang mop bunch of changes of water and Composite Floor Cleaner and he was outside building an addition to the deck. We spent the SAME amount of time, working just as hard.
He came in in his filthy boots, for a beer, ACROSS THE FLOOR, without taking them off because "I'm going right back out again." the kids came traipsing in, leaving a house filled with dirt as usual, the baby puked on the floor, then played in it, the dogs dragged in mud and ALL my work was over and eliminated in less than a few hours.
On the other hand, the deck addition my dh built will stand for decades. At that moment, something snapped and I said "F*** it!!!!" I will no longer engage in Entropic Activity that no one notices unless it ISN'T done.
Went on strike for a while, so he could see what really "doing nothing all day" looked like. He cooks and cleans a little more now (although, I don't trust him with my front loader machine.)
I'm not saying to do this, just that most of the time, we do more than we are given credit for. All his buddies whose wives work full time, and whose kids are raised by someone else complain about THAT, and how tired their wives are all the time, and how HER career is more important than his etc etc. You can't win, as a woman, I don't think so.
But, most of all, you NEED to be safe. Unless a therapist is heavily involved, don't let him sweet talk you into a "Honeymoon" period (which always occurs after an abuse incident, always followed days, or weeks later by more abuse.) I am NOT saying that this signals he is a wife beater, just that he has potential for some violence (all people do, but it's controlling it, or choosing not to that is where the problem lies) and that it is good you have a therapist to see you through this.
Right now you need to take care of yourself. Don't let the false kindness of the Post Abuse Honeymoon Period trick you. And if he starts refusing to even go to therapy, I don't even know what to say.
Of course, he needs empathy for his loss of a job, BUT the fact that he lost his job is NOT an excuse to be abusive.
Talk to your therapist, and know we are here for you, too.
Hugs and prayers.
P
But, this was not about cleaning, it was about a silly argument that got out of hand as well as his temper. He never has the right to abuse you because he is scared. I pray that counseling helps and that he realizes that he was abusive.
Please stay safe and I hope things work out. I am sorry he lost his job. It must be really stressful to not know how he is going to make ends meet and he is attacking you (not right no matter what) because of that fear. Counseling is definately needed. I hope it heals your marriage. I'm sure he loves you. It all can be overwhelming, with the chronic pain and the job loss, but he must never become violent.
Just out of curiosity, has this happened before? If it has, then you cannot stay in an abusive relationship. If not, I hope you both find a way to deal with all the issues you are facing. Good luck and please know that I will be praying for you.
Terrie