This a repost of an essay I wrote some time back. Older members here have rad this. I repost for the new members in response to some recent messages and posts on the topic.

Understand this is an essay, and not the gospel on this subject.

Living With Spouses and Significant Others


People who live in chronic pain, have to eat crap from most of the people in our lives. Friends, co-workers- and our significant others. No one not even our doctors, and their medical assistants, and staff respect chronic pain patients as being really sick. Why do we have to be treated as second class patients by society at large. Is it because we were taught from a young age "to walk it off" or is it because we are thought of as drug seekers. Maybe they believe us to be slackers.

Our significant others, whether we are married or living with someone, go into our relationships know it is "for better or worse" and in "sickness and health". When I got married, I thought like most that the worse wasn't going to happen. What could that mean, anyway? A six month layoff, money troubles, right? Now the health part. Most people get married young and their health is good. So the health part, means when we get old. Diabetes, heart problems, cancer, arthritis. Things that happen with age. Maybe a health "scare" when younger, but something that won't last a few months at best. People understand that. They will sympathize and take care, since it can happen to them.

Well, here we are. Something went wrong, and we got sick with something earlier in life, and something went really wrong. Chronic pain has set in. Well sorry. In life sometimes, things happen to people. Us. We ended up developing a chronic pain issue, for whatever the root cause. There are as many reasons, as there are members in the support groups. Each of us, has a different reason why it happened to us. Our loved ones, can't handle it. Why do they run, and why if they stay, don't they treat us as though we are chronically ill? Lets go back to, the take to aspirin and call me in the morning, or the walk it off mentality.

Spouse one, leaves his wife. She has cancer. She can't walk anymore. People will look at that person as a loser, a bad person and someone with out a soul, or remorse. They will be treated as the person in the relationship that was wrong. That spouse will probably always feel bad about leaving. Same spouse but the illness is chronic pain. No one will say boo to them. They won't be treated as though they were the wronged one. "Well, I tried, but all my spouse did was take pills all day and lay on the couch". "Pain, so what. They are the ones who are taking advantage in the relationship".

Why do they leave? Is it vanity? Not wanting to spend their lives with someone with a cane. Maybe it is they want to do "normal things" Every reason is different. The point of all of this today, is simple. We did nothing wrong. We got sick, and now live with pain. We should not be treated as second class patients and people with second class illnesses, by doctors. Our spouses, and significant others, are weak and vain for leaving us, and/or treating us badly. Period.

Why does no one remember that, behind the chronic pain, is a 'legitimate' health problem? Failed backs, Lupus, Heart problems, Fibromyalgia, M.S.. The full spectrum of diseases and illness have taken our otherwise "normal" lives. It has left us with pain.

Last weekend while we were away, my cousin kept asking me, if I wanted a beer. Boy, did I want one. But I had to keep reminding him politely that I am on medicine. How I described my meds, to him and how I describe it to everyone who asks. Did you ever go to the dentist and get the pain medicine with a 3 on them? Yes, well I take twenty of those per day. That shuts people up, they then understand I live with something they cannot comprehend. I digress as usual.

The issue with most pain patients under forty is, why do they stay with spouses, and significant others who are/or in, less than ideal situations.? I believe that most of us who suffer with chronic pain are afraid of being by ourselves. That we will stay in "bad" relationships because it is better than none at all. Some of those who suffer with pain, suffer mental abuse in our relationships, because if we need to go to the hospital, or just had a surgery, someone will be home for us. Most in bad relationships, say who would want me, now? So I will stay.

Having to stay, because the spouse has health insurance for us. We couldn't survive on social security. Some stay because it is their lives that they built with someone, and they won't give it up. Questions like who will shop for me, where will I be stuck living, OMG will I be so broke, I will have to chose between food and medicine. (I have seen this one, and had to stay u all night chatting) because the person was so upset they wanted to kill themselves. Which is an easy thing for a chronic pain person to do.

Our minds, and our ability to survive are still intact. It can be done. We can survive, and survive better, without someone who treats us badly. We can be happy, we can manage to eat and take all our meds. One thing those who suffer forget, is stress is the worst thing for us. No bad relationship, no stress, equals no pain. I did it for awhile a few years ago. Those who suffer can also.

Please, love yourself more, than the life you are living. You can be a stronger person than you think you are. Just because you have been led to believe you are weak, doesn't make it so.

More later my friends, have a great, and pain free day.

Doug/Ouch