Some of you know I took off on an ambitious road trip with my 2.5 year old. I wanted to see all my family for Easter, they're scattered around the Midwest, and I THOUGHT I could do it and well. What was I thinking?

I left the Sunday prior to Easter (1 week before) and went to 1 of my favorite places, a hotel/spa/casino that is right on the road to my family. It has a big outlet mall nearby, and my hubby and I and our son needed clothes. So I left a day early and got a bit of sleep, not enough, but a bit, and had some fun playing blackjack. I didn't realize that it would pass so quickly- less than a day later I was meeting DH to pick up my son at the mall.

My DH and I split at the mall b/c he had to drive back home and I needed to get on the road to Chicago. I didn't anticipate how tired I'd be still, and I didn't get in for the massage I needed so badly. My son is going through a stage where he loves strangers as long as mommy is right there, and wants to be held. I can't do it much longer. My back is a MESS, my foot is in an horrific flare, and I'm STILL on the road.

The 1st day was exhausting. My son doesn't sleep well in hotels (where we are now) and kept me up most of the night tossing and turning. Not to mention that his daddy usually rocks him to sleep and that isn't working away from home. So I lay next to him till he sleeps then get up to do my work, whether it be packing or catching up on real work, etc.

We drove from Indiana to Chicago, stayed night 1 in a hotel I know well and then rushed to get to my cousin's home in WI b/c her daughter (my Godchild) was in a play. We left J with a sitter and rushed to the play, then home, then J was all keyed up b/c he had 3 playmates all adoring him! Finally we fall asleep and wake to find I've overslept after being up all night in pain.

We rushed BACK to the car (day 3 of freeway hours long driving) and I get to my hometown, 11 hours from where we live now. It helped to break it up and really do shorter drives each day, but that stretch was rough. We got to my hometown and went to my Grandma's new "home". She has Alzheimer's and finally had to be put in one, but it is nice and she is safe.

Jaden wouldn't sit (especially as she had the heat on with the sun streaming into her nice but tiny room. I KNEW it would be a problem with him running out and all, but for a good long time he was a great kid. And even I wanted to escape that sauna after 2 hours. So we said goodbye and we'd be back to take her to lunch and spend the day.

Night one in my hometown was okay. We met my BFF (we've known each other since BIRTH!) for a park, then moved on to another park as I was determined to run Jaden ragged. He sleeps well when he is outside a lot. So that night, Jaden slept well and I well, I gritted my teeth and fell asleep around 4am.

All this time I am running after a very cranky 2 year old. He wanted to swim but they keep the pool so cold that NO one swims! But the pool is right where you come in so every day he would drop to his knees while I had his hand and I'd be terrified that he would break a wrist or forearm, etc. EVERY time we went in, we went through this.

Next day we take Grandma for lunch after meeting my BFF at the home (her Grandma is there too- 12 residents and our grandmas are together. THAT is weird but nice.) We go to park but my Grandma, 96 but feeling the ravages of the disease and age, can't take the "cold". It was so warm that I was in shorts as was J, and people there were sunbathing! But I knew she was cold so we went back to her place and got a winter coat and J played at the small playground they have for kids who visit. We stay all day and say our goodbyes, and head back for last night at that hotel.

J decides to wake at 230am and thinks it is time to get up! I'm literally just falling asleep when he wakes. By THIS time my foot has turned a light blue and my foot, leg and KNEE are all sweating, the pain is intense and I'm in NO mood. Pain is too much- it ruins your life. I was SO sure I could make it THAT far, ya know?

Next day we meet my BFF and my OTHER BFF (we all grew up in same neighborhood) for brunch and my son decides to have a temper tantrum in the restaurant. Mortified. On top of that my 1 friend who I haven't seen a lot of, asks me why I'm limping. My 1st BFF sees my handicapped placard. I'm ashamed of my son for being a naughty boy (he REALLY tested the limits and embarrassed me, but how can I expect HIM to get it when I don't even know why I undertook this trip?

We get on the road to my cousin's after brunch and my arm is tingling. I'd awoken 2 days in a row with my arms feeling asleep. Now my right arm is feeling familiarly painful. What I did or IF I did anything, I don't know. But the worst- my cousin's house has all hardwood floors. My son's legs are full of black and blue marks from playing and my feet, not just RSD foot but FEET are killing me. Meds aren't helping, my back is a MESS from comforting Jaden (he gets scared when my cousin yells at her kids) and my entire back is a mess.

So Friday night we dye eggs, which is fun. Jaden was so funny. Then b/c my Dad complained, I had to drive Saturday to HIS house for Easter there. Not one day YET where I have nothing to do. I'm running on fumes, ppl are noticing me limp and I can't stop, and my stepmother comes in while I am in tears (VERY odd occurrence) b/c of the pain. If I could've just laid down and relaxed a few hours a day, this would've been SO much easier.

Sunday was a FUN day. FULL and CRAZY but fun. J celebrated an early birthday and I got to see my family. But staying at my cousin's is bittersweet. She is a good woman and hard to describe. She's one of few who know that I HAVE RSD but b/c it doesn't affect HER, she doesn't ever ask about it. If I say I'm hurting, she doesn't offer to help as I did when she had young ones. She's got some major troubles and needs to learn the word empathy. On one hand she is fun and we have been closest of the family all our lives, but on the other she is selfish to the core. She has 3 girls and while she adores J, she is NOT used to little boys. The stress of just being there made me snap.

Today we went to the zoo and my son saw his 1st elephant, which is his favorite thing. We had fun but again, all she did was complain. I had packed the car and told her I had to leave b/c of my foot, which is mostly true. But also, I can't stand to hear her berate her kids and pit them against each other, and to see the eldest, the one I was closest to, start to copy her actions. The eldest also has a huge heart so she won't be able to become her mother.

I decided that no matter what, if those girls need me, as long as I'm breathing, I'm there for them. Last night she was SCREAMING at a 4 year old! Her favorite child, too. I didn't know WHAT to think but she woke Jaden and I told her so. I'm afraid I'm losing my little sister which is what I always called her. She and I were so tight, but she married a guy she has nothing in common with and she has a marriage that shouldn't be. Yet she has no strength to leave the guy. And I LIKE him!

WHY am I telling you all this? I don't know. Maybe b/c the emotional aspect? The stress in that house is too much. J felt it and acted accordingly. I was supposed to be there another day or 2 but I think the 2 of us had enough of each other. I also think that she overreacts to the stupidest and smallest things, and that adds to her stress. Having CP taught me that you can't do that. When CP is a part of your life, you lose the ability to pick and choose what is the biggest part of your day. If I kid spills milk, big deal! Don't stress or the pain is worse. Why can't she learn that?

Anyway, my point (and I DO have one) is that I planned this, like I do twice a year, every year. But it was too much. It was expensive and stupid and I'm hurting worse than ever. I may have ruined my life over this trip. IF the tingling and pain I am feeling IS the RSD spreading after 15 years, then I did it! I have a child- I can't have RSD to the point i cant live my life! I honestly don't know what is going on with arm and feet but
I'm scared.

I'm in a hotel room in Chicago, with my son NOT sleeping in the other room, and I'm tired. BEYOND tired. My feet are a mess, my arm hurts, and I've taken my meds. I'm just so beyond exhausted.

I KNOW my Grandma is alone in that hometown. I KNOW she loves to see my son. But I can't even THINK about doing this again in the fall. Getting as far as my cousin's house is fine. But that extra drive (I'm NOT a car person) is too much. And now I feel terrible. B/c I may never see her again. B/c I only had 2 days and nights to spend there. But she won't remember that I was there anyway. I send her a new Kodak booklet of the pics I took those days, but she won't remember.

I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself, aren't I? I HATE that! But who else could I spill my guts to? You guys have been amazing to me for a long time and I appreciate it. I've always had a high thresh hold for pain and exhaustion. But today I hit it. And right now I have to go get my son to sleep b/c he is just being naughty. And we're up early tomorrow. My body doesn't even KNOW sleep anymore.

But after all that, I DO know that tomorrow will be a better day. My DH is meeting me at the mall and I'm staying at the hotel again and getting a good night's sleep AND a massage. And boy, do I need it!

Thanks for letting me write my novel here- I HAD to vent and no one else would be impartial. Thanks. :)