So today was VA cardio day. We call it that because no matter where you think you are supposed to be, you get sent to the far side of the hospital only to be sent right back to where you started. Today it was a cardio day because they have moved the valet parking to the far side of the hospital complex. It actually takes going through several different buildings to get into the main hospital!!! they do offer a golf cart ride to the main entrance, but Mr Toad's Wild Ride at Disney land was tame compared to that!

Anyway, the day had not started well with me being upset about way too many things. The worse one was a fear that I would have to drive myself. Hubby put an end to that thought and even stopped at Target for me to get a new battery for my TENS unit so I could use it on the drive. As he was still running a 102 fever (not contagious), I just got out of the SUV and caped Misha when we got to Target. The man who was in the next parking spot offered me one of the store's powered scooter.

I have been fighting to stay on my feet and out of wheelchairs and scooters since I first screwed up my knee while in the Army 20 years ago. I looked at that scooter and all I saw was how much energy I would not have to exert by walking and how much pain that would save me. After getting a quick lesson on how to ride it, I got the stuff I needed with almost no pain or energy expended. I thought about that all the way to the hospital... for the first time I am willing to give up walking. Hubby and I talked that a motorized wheelchair or scooter would give me a lot more freedom of movement. Six months ago I filed a complaint against a teacher who said I should just use a wheelchair. Now I am thinking of getting one...

so that put me in just wonderful frame of mind for Seattle traffic which got us to the hospital with all of six minutes to cover over a quarter of a mile - I was late even though we left with an extra 45 minutes of slack time. We looked for wheelchair to borrow, but none were available without a wait.

So then we are sitting in a room with the chronic pain specialist. She wants to know how I'm doing - and I flat tell her lousy. I am down to less than 30 minutes a day where I can be active and I live from one dose of hydrocodone to the next. It is my WHOLE life.

Then she spends the next 20 minutes or so trying to get me to say what I have in my life that gives me hope. No, I have no hope. I have pain. That is my life. Do something so I don't hurt 24/7 to the point I can walk more than 10 feet without being in agony, and I will find some hope. She points out that I have a great hubby, don't I want to go to dinner and a movie with him. I patted his knee and flat told her we go to movies all the time. I get to watch the first 15 minutes or so and the rest is lost to pure agony. She did not like my horses - but only my psych doctor does. They are my only hope, my only release.

Then she goes on about how I am only in my 40s and I want to be put on long term, long acting pain meds. Yes, yes I do. About half way through her discussion on the evils of opiates, I interrupted her that opiates don't do crap for me and I want to try something else.

That actually got a reaction. She asked me how I slept, to which I responded that I don't. Prompted to explain, I told her I take my pain meds, wait an hour for them to kick in before I can fall asleep, then wake up when they are out of my system... about three hours later. Rinse and repeat two or three times per day.

I still have my hydrocodone, but as of tonight I am starting Gabapentin. 300mg at night for three days, then add 300mg in the am, and three days after that another 300mg in the middle of the day for a temp total of 900mg a day. Recheck in two weeks to see if I need to go up or down with the dose.

All in all, it sucked, but at least I have something other than opiates for my pain. IF this helps, then I will look for hope.

yadlim and my little bear Misha