i see time ticking away as i feel pain so much that i avoid acknowledging my pain signals...  almost 4 years passed till i found out it was some serious issues, I already have pain a tolerant body, it went chronic...

3 more years have passed, and now i'm attempting to live rather then work myself to death...  year 1 of 3 i had dodc support till i walked away from the clinic after being given a plateau of service letter....  i was bearing with serious slave labor for those 2 years and i was not receiving treatment...  

i'm at a loss for the moment...  and in all seriousness, I am not ok...  I don't know where to turn, pain has become as natural and hits as often as breathing...  to me i feel its necessary now, just started phy therapy...  my best source of relief is exacerbation of the pain seeing as pain management told me to take otc medications...  pain psych, months of ticktacks given and taken away from me...  i sought pain management and i feel like its a joke, its breaking through the brick wall...  all of it, the toll is removing that wall i could go around any time...  I still know i'm breaking through that wall and refuse to go around it like i stopped myself from thinking about...  

i feel this way i'm avoiding the end result is only ensuring when i break the wall down, my pain will stop...  the method of choice in action at the moment is wearing that wall thin fast...  

i no longer want to run through the pain(literrally) so i sought treatment again after 2 years of working when i should have been seeing specialists, and its now going on year 7....  

sitting, standing, laying down in any position is extreme...  i don't even have to move, but when i do...

i can't distinguish what is pain or discomfort anymore...  i don't want to think or believe its all pain, I just know the difference of when i am experiencing need for rest and outright vile pain...  (I think)

The term suicide is being thrown out here...  I should not have the knowledge i do, and i hope i continue to cope and not do something stupid...

my mind has to be racing, but its odd because i feel like an empty shell with the motor turned off...  or cruise control

i've become very good at in depth thought without thinking...  it feels like i'm not listening, it feels like i'm not paying attention, it feels like the pain is playing a tune only i can hear but others can see at times...  i'm not afraid of the wall going down, i'm afraid of the level of detail i already know i see vividly before i could even begin to imagine...  you just know when you know something, the mechanics, physics, rules of nature...  life as i knew it is over, and i've tried and tried to live that life...  i don't know what life i'm living now which needs purpose other then to hurt no matter what i do...  

only once have i self injuried myself...  concrete wall, 3 jabs to the same knuckle...  and i didn't feel it hurt when i walked away...  not even 5 days later when it was x rayed...  

i'm ok so to say, as well as far from ok...