I forgot to mention the resulting stuggles the past 3 weeks. I should be proactive and be on the phone gathering all my medical records including the ones from this current doc so I can dispute anything not accurate. I need to be writing a detailed daily physical activity and resulting pain to give to this doc. I should be looking for another doc and demanding to see the pain management doc supposedly in this current clinics office who I have still not been allowed to see, for various excuses for the past 6-7 months. I should be going to my local disability law center and asking for advice and documenting this treatment. I should be looking for a new doctor because this one is obviously not for me, I have many other things I need to bedoing and I am finding it hard to not just wander around aimlessly everyday dissassociating myself from my current experiences and I feel just as lost and abandoned as when my mom died when I was 16 yrs. old. I don't want to feel any of this I don't want to be reacting in this manner yet I am finding it very difficult to move. I want to cry and acknowledge this emotional turmoil and yet I cannot even allow the tears and this is numbness and numbness is dangerous..... wow....

sorry this is so long and drawn out but I know of no other way to hopefully stop this cycle and breathe and move and climb up out of this hole they've thown me in....
thanks for allowing me my reality here with you.... I don't know where I'd be with out this site and these support groups and all of you.
thank you, thank you thankyou.
TerrieAnn/ralop

I AM CURRENTLY CHANGING MY PHARMACISTS BECAUSE HE TREATED ME LIKE A DRUG ADDICT.
I REPORTED HIS ABUSIVE ATTITUDE TO THE STORE MANAGER AND THEN TO THE COOPERATE PERSONNEL DEPARTMENT.
HE DID THIS IN FRONT OF A LINE OF PEOPLE WAITING AND I WAS SO EMBARRASSED AND ANGRY.
AT ONE POINT I ASKED HIM IF HE KNEW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DRUG ADDICT AND SOMEONE WITH CHRONIC PAIN.
HE SNEERED AT ME AND DID NOT ANSWER. HE IS NOT MY DR. AND HAS NO SAY IN WHAT MY DR. PRESCRIBES FOR ME, AND I LET THE MANAGEMENT KNOW IT.
IT IS OVER NOW, AND I HOPE THE MAN IS FIRED, BUT THE ANXIETY I HAVE NOW IS UNBELIEVABLE.
I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL.
ONCE YOU FIND SOMEONE YOU FEEL SAFE WITH, IT WILL MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE.

JAYNE

I so understand how anxiety, trust issues affect pain. Sometimes I just get mentally paralyzed which leads to me having no direction. I have so much to do and usually am responsible and just do them. I go thru spells like this, get overwhelmed, dont want to deal with things.
I feel your pain right now. I always wonder if it is just me too, blame myself. I would definately want to see my medical records. I have found a lie in one before. Recently I found a dr kept telling me my vitamin levels were fine, only to look back in records and they were low for months. I found out from another dr that I was low on some of them. Now I dont trust him and think his attitude has changed just because of pain meds. Whatever!
I hardly see him anymore since he referred me to pain management. He used to listen to me and act like he cared. Then I think maybe I just got mad because I didnt get my way. Last time I went for my knee to get referral to ortho for pain. He just messed w/ my knees and gave me a sheet of exercises, no xrays or anything. Two days later I ended up w/ appt with an old rheumy I had seen, had xrays, fluid on knee and got shots in both knees for arthritis. Stuff like that just irritates the heck out of me.
I am going back to therapy today after a few months off after back surgery. I hope I can get out what I need to and get some direction. I so feel like no one understands.
Shannon

oh yes i truly understand your frustration and i too have been htru the ringer w/some of these issues .and because i was hurt a work andone of my main jogs worked w/troubled youth and i didn't get hurt by one of my clients i got hurt because the comp van had rope tied around the driver's door to keep it closed.my supervisor and i were taking kids out to the movies and she was driving.she said she was ill and asked me to drive i had to climb over the console and tore my meniscus in my knee.i'm not a fragile person afterall i can't be wrk'g w/hardcore gang bangers.now i felt and heard the tare and i can't show signs of weakness it can cause other problems. and i'm a seasoned counselor and i lived my job cause i was a throw away kid alot the way u described your brother when u got him thru the courts.very abused abandoned,no self worth my own mom just didn't bond w/me from birth,and it played on every aspect of my life,all i knew was if i helped other's then i'm doing god's will 4 my life.i'm a hustler meaning i had to work 3 jobs at this time to keep up the house pymts.no one to depend on but the lord/an me.i had just transferred to this job fulltime instead of on call as i needed the xtra money and they had been trying 2 get me 2 come on f/t,along w/being a make/up artist and sales of beauty products at a dept store that's 3 jobs..but u gotta do what u gotta do.so i had only been on f/t 23 days and then this and it wasn't even my fault.i just keep it low key and i'd do 16 hr days on w/ends.i did limp and i tried to saty off it cause these kids see weakness of staff as a way of manipulation/and they neede to think that i'm going to b okay in a day or so .so i didn't go to the dr.i thought i sprained it not a serious med problem but i didn't let it known that i could barely walk i played it off as much as i could until i was dragging my leg so they sent me to the co.dr.and saidit was a sprain an need to be in therapy but the therapy made it worst,then after 2 ks co.dr.took me off work 4 2wks.then on dec8th 93,it was 4 30 days w/aggressive therapy finally the therapist told me that i'm not working hard enough and she wrote this on my paperwk that goes 2 wrk/comp.i was livid how dare she tell me that i'm nore or less faking i almost tore her a new asshole .so the company dr.had me scheduled 4 x-rays nothing showing up then finally a mri that proved how bad it as .of course i took it straight to that therapist who lied on me.so then no work at all right before xmas.alot of dr visits they blamed my weight 4 my knee problem .i never had problem b-4 this w/the same weight so i wasn't going 4 it.these dr.s have brought more stress to me than my situation had.they don't care but the other lady is right you stand your ground and your right you keep a journal of your pain when it's off the charts and when you can handle it .i've had dr's call me a drug addict.write down that my weight is my problem all this madness and all because they thought as they usually do that i'm trying to beat the system.i was mad as mad could be.and sometimes i'd cry so much,i felt alone i couldn't do the things that i was used to doing.my so called closest friends as well as family members could'nt understand how a knee can cause all this attn.i had just returned from london/paris in june of same yr.and i had some gr88t contacts and that's how i went to europe to work and to play .and my dearest friend is the person that i worked with and he called to go do a video for top entertainers that most have heard of if i said their names i called it a blessing but in the industry you can't show up on a cane to work.no studio would let me on the stage to touch up the principal artist i'd be a liability and all the wiring if my cane got wrapped up in that mess i could have torn up some stuff.so i lost alot of money and in hollywood your no better than your last job.but that didn't hurt like my friend just didn't want 2 understand that i wasn't getting any better and he got mad i couldn't ear heels anymore and i'm a shoe fanatic.no cocktails due to my meds .no driving as i ajusted to my meds i was a wash out to the fastlife and it hurt .i'm fighting w/dr's all week and fighting w/friends and family to not just give up on me .my depression got bad and then worst then i was put down and it was like nobody believed that i was in constant pain but i also had 2 have several back surgeries an years are going by.and i'm fighting wrk's /comp to continue to treat me all these different meds and now depression and not knowing if i'm going 2 lose the house stress was killing me all because i took some kids to the movies.all my people thought i as just using drugs instead of knowing better than that.i don't know how uu pay for your meds getting on disability is another joke people r treated like were criminals then i'd hear stories how people were taking their lives that couldn't deal any more and i understand the thoughtbut i had something 2 prove.it's alot more to this but keep a personal journal of how u feel i don't care if it's just numbers 1-10 1 being worst and so on.write down these dr's name's report them.now w/the internet word travels fast,talk 2 others in dr's offie find out their exp's network and you havw something i didn't. YOUR FAITH NOW IS ALOT STRONGER THAN MINE WAS ,AND USE THAT GIFT TO YOUR FULL ADVANTAGE.AAS FAR AS I READ YOUR FRIENDS ARE STILL THERE 4 YOU RIGHT??? BECAUSE I LEARNED THAT IF PEOPLE DON'T SEE BLOOD THEY DON'T SEE PAIN.I USED 2 THINK IF I HAD A TYPE OF CANCER OR AIDS THEN THEY WOULD GET IT.W/OUT SEEING BLOOD,OTHERWISE I GET /NOR DO I HAVE ANY SUPPORT AND I DO HAVE A ROOF OVER MY HEAD BUT I WAS HOMELESS LIVING IN PAIN FOR A SHORT.SO FOR PAST 16 YRS I HAVE LOST THE REAL IMPORTANT THINGS FRIEND FAMILY FAITH AND AND ALOT OF TIMES THE WILL 2 GO ON..BUT I HAVE ANIMALS WHO DEPEND ON ME OTHERWISE I CAN'T LIE I'D OF TAKEN MY LIFE YEARS AGO.AS BAD AS IT IS NOW MY HEALTH ISN'T GETTING BETTER BUT I MADE A PROMISE TO GOD THAT I'LL HANG IN THERE AND I HAVE NO ONE.I DON'T TALK UNLESS I'M TRYING TO HELP SOMEONE ELSE.DON'T LET THEM RATTLE YOU .YOUR STRONGER THAN YOU KNOW.AND I'M PRAYING FOR BOTH OF YOU....GOD BLESS U.I JUST JOINED A COUPLE OF HOURS AGO.SO HANG IN THERE.YOUR BOTH YOUNGER THAN I .I'M 52 AND ALL THIS HAS ROBBED ME ,DON'T LET IT DO U......AND GET A COPY OF ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR HEALTH MENTAL/PHYSICAL

I allowed miss trust and accusations from doctors cause me to spend five years in isolation suffering in silence. Let me tell you that was the worse time in my life. Because not only did I separate myself from the possibility that I would find a doctor with the answer for my pain, but I shut myself off from my family and church because I felt that they would begin to look upon me as a hypochondriac that the last doctor accused me of being. In the end, I because to look towards suicide as the answer for my pain . Let me tell that the song that states Suicide is painless has no conception of the pain that racks the heart of someone that is even thinking of ending there life.

My eye opener came in the realization that my life was filled with people who loved me and cared about my feelings and my pain. As a result, I began to look less and less at the future, that before seemed so dime as I came to realize that my pain was not going to simple go away, because I did not want it in my life. But I also came to realize, that doctors are not gods, and they dont hold all the answers to my pain or how to deal with it. So it is up to ME to do all I can to make myself feel better, even if it means telling a doctor he doesnt no what he is talking about. In other words, I got a set of balls and no longer accept bad treatment from those that dont walk in my shoes on a daily bases.


Big Hug

Oh, TerriAnn, I am so sorry you are suffering so much!

I know exactly what you are going through. Due to abuse from physicians (one actually came out and called me a "junkie" because according to you "No one could be in that much pain. Not even bone cancer patients." (she no longer has a license to practice in our state, thank God.) and from some pharmacists (some of whom would not fill my prescriptions, and one of whom reported one of my former Neurologist, after filling a prescription of mine and saying oddly to me, "this doctor SURE writes a lot of Controls." I answered that he sees a LOT of pain patients, and SHE scoffed at the idea, 14 years ago, that "pain could be a disease.")

I didn't trust the Neuro I have had for 12 years until only about 3 years ago. EVERY appointment, I was afraid he would "cut me off" or try to reduce what was working, as other doctors had done. Once I told him my fear, he laughed and said, "I don't know why you don't trust me, I wouldn't do that to you. I will NOT abandon you."

When he had to change my meds at the beginning of this year (partly due to serious issues with my crappy insurance company, partly due to the fact that I WAS taking way more APAP than I should have) I began not to trust him again (my body didn't adjust immediately to the changes in meds, although the nurse was checking with me several times a day, I was suffering and scared. The nurse called one day and said, Dr. wants to see you ASAP, he thinks this would be handled better in person." Was he right. We sat down, and talked things out, he hadn't realized how much I was WAS actually suffering from semi withdrawal, and he said we would do whatever it took, to both manage the out of control feeling AND to get me on safer meds. He raised the dosage on one med, which I felt was too low at the moment, and I felt better almost immediately.

I am fully adjusted to the new meds now (in the middle of the medication being very hard to get) but it is still hard to trust.

WHY do we get treated this way?

No one would blame a diabetic or a cancer pateint for their health issues (actually ther ARE nuts who will the "what did you do to cause your illness?" creeps) but so many people judge you by the medications you take.

I tell NO ONE the meds I am on. Only my doctor, the nurse, and my pharmacist knows all the details. Even my dh knows only that I take "strong shit." LOL! (the meds are written down, and on paper in my purse, in case there was an emergency.)

EEEK, the Third line of my post should have read "According to HER" Not "according to YOU."

I'm sorry, I thought I proofread it, and we can't edit.

WHY can't we edit our posts after we post them? We are out of our poor minds with pain and meds half the time?

this is a general note to all. In most states in the USA - a pharmacist has as much power to DENY a script as a MD has in writing one. Under most state laws if a pharmacist has doubts or suspicions - they can deny filling presciptions. It is their "subjective" opinion versus your Drs. actual facts, tests, etc., and they are enabled by particular laws to follow their instincts.

In most cases this is good practice as too many people are simply drug-seeking and using pharmacists (and their MD's) as wholesalers. These people turn around and resell their meds on the street for huge profits. This is a 'thin-ice' or 'gray area' issue. I recently changed pharmacies and made sure that my previous pharmacist contacted the manager of my new one. Our relationship has been fine. When taking narcotic drugs and other controlled substances - it is the best path to follow in befriending (professionally) your pharmacist. YES, they can (and do) refuse any script and little can be done about it. Try and keep the same pharmacist and build your relationship and trust will follow.