It just seems hard to get through the holidays.. When I saw my extended family, they just wondered what was wrong with me. They know I have a lot of medical problems but they could tell I was a totally different person than I was when I saw them last. And I had a meal with my boyfriend's family, who I had only met once, and I'm sure they think I'm insane. It's started snowing - So as I'm already exhausted from the pain and medication, it's made my joints ache and made me even sleepier than I have been, and it took everything I had to keep my sentences straight.

I just wish people could see the 'real' me. How I am when I'm not in pain or drugged up.. Something I've noticed lately is that everyone around me is going to church and all that jazz, and doing things to make themselves a better person. They're traveling and going on dates and making new friends and going to parties. They have all these goals. But on a day to day basis, my only goal has been to survive and get by, because that's the only thing I've had the energy to do. And I don't think I've been able to go an entire day without bringing up my pain.. it just seems like I complain about it a lot, and I know everyone has to be sick of it. But how can someone expect me to talk about my day, or what's on my mind, when it's obvious that my day has been limited to what I feel like doing?

Everyone I see seems to always be happy, and feel great, and have this perfect family. I'm really close to my mom, but she works all the time. So my dad just came home and started screaming at me for not doing the dishes or cleaning when I legitimately have barely been able to walk today. And I don't exagerrate - I do whatever I can, and push myself too much a lot of the time.

I am just so tired. I am SO tired of doing this. Of 'you'll feel better in the morning', 'you don't look sick', 'you did it yesterday, so you should be able to do it today'. Even of 'it's going to be okay.' I am not okay, and I don't know when I am going to be okay. .The doc increased my Cymbalta for pain and depression so it's been helping my mood to the point where I'm not suicidal anymore, but I just feel numb all the time now.

I'm really sorry that I just get on here and rant a lot.. I'm just so sick of holding together. Things just keep building up and now I feel pathetic because I can't stop crying.