Chronic Pain Support Group
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Hi-
I'm pondering this situation and am not able to sleep so thought I'd get some opinions.
I have lived in this area for about 7 years- this specific neighborhood for about 4. My son is 2 and a half, and I recently made a friend out of one of the moms in his play group. She, too, has 1 son, just a few months older than J. Recently we lost a babysitter who had been with us since J was 6 months old. She was more like a nanny, as I was often gone an entire week for work. We're talking about having this new friend take over the sitting duties.
Thing is, I had them over Friday for a play date and she's great with J- he ADORES her. I really like her and we're a lot alike. J would get a lot out of having another kid around, too. But it's the RSD that I'm having trouble explaining.
I do NOT go around talking about the RSD. If I'm somewhere and it is noticeable I just say I have a bad foot. Very few people know. But the last sitter was so important for another reason- she would come over on nights when Mike was out, allowing me to go to bed early or just rest the foot. She was amazing, and we don't know what happened as she was paid VERY well and we gave her SO much when her own baby was born, and even Xmas bonus. SHE knew I had RSD, that it made me tired once in awhile and that I was always happy when she did extra housework. She'd do the house the night before I'd be due home and I would be thrilled, b/c who wants to come home, tired and cranky, to a mess? But SHE is gone.
So now I'm friends with JB, and I think she is great. But when I attempted to talk to her about other times I might need her as a sitter, she got kind of quiet. Like, I would start explaining what was wrong with my foot and she would change the subject, or talk to the boys, etc. I got the feeling that she didn't want to know this info, yet I need her to understand how bad it can get IF she is going to sit for us.
She really confused me by at 1st saying she was interested then not really talking about it. Maybe she assumed we'd talk next week?
Also, I NEED a close friend nearby! It's been so long since I lived with my family and friends that I've forgotten how great it is to have someone around. I'm used to having everyone in one spot.
SO I'm vacillating between telling her we should just be friends and have the kids do weekly play dates and then just refer to my foot as being bad when it does get bad, OR having her be our sitter and friend, meaning she'll be a friend who will know ALL about it.
She never need know HOW bad it gets. And we're headed into Summer and I don't have as many troubles in summer. But I get this feeling that she thinks I'm making this more than it is or that she doesn't get it at all. Nothing negative was said, I just told her about my foot "situation" and that sometimes we call the sitter to help out when Mike's out bowling, as evenings are harder for me than days.
If we do NOT hire her as a sitter, and we're just friends, she isn't like my friends who live around the world, she might actually SEE how bad it gets. In December my hubby still cringed when my foot got bluish, as it tends to do, and he has been around almost 14 years!
I really don't want to lose a new friend, and don't want J to lose HIS new friend, and we get along so well. Our hubbies would probably get along, too. She is the sweetest girl, but I'd hate to lose either a sitter or just friend to my RSD!
This is NOTHING compared to other posts, I get that, believe me. This is a problem but it isn't directly casing me pain (just insomnia!) But how do I explain CP without going into meds, flare-ups, and all the other things that come with it? And if she IS hired as a sitter I will HAVE to tell her about the meds b/c she'd have to know that, friends or not, if any went missing, we would have to prosecute b/c of my contract. Also, they're kept in a locked bathroom where there's NO reason for anyone to use. My son can get into anything so we must keep the meds locked away.
I'm half asleep and SO confused. Giving up a friend b/c I have RSD never crossed my mind. But here it is. If she can't handle the simple, watered down explanation, then how (or do I?) tell her the whole truth? We're talking about making Fridays a standing Play Date, and I just don't get it.
In addition, I know she had some problems with another mom in Play group. I don't know the details, but they no longer speak. She has been looking for a friend and so have I, our kids are months apart in age, and we live near enough that this could work.
I also think that she feels awkward b/c we have more $ than she does.
I was trying to avoid that, but the play date happened at our house. Which is where the babysitting would happen. There's nothing wrong with us having more- we are 15 years older than she is. But I get the feeling that something else is bothering her. It's SO hard to find a mom with a kid my age who is intelligent and funny- I don't want to lose her b/c I have to take meds and can't keep up on outings, etc.
Do I sit her down and tell her that I feel awkward NOT explaining RSD, b/c God forbid that something happens and I have to cancel, etc. Also, someone who will see me on a weekly basis is going to notice the RSD. The minute she sees me in sandals, the jig is up!
Or...
Do I just wait and see? I'm SO confused about the sitter position. She said she wanted to do it, but maybe the reality of 2 toddlers (hers would come along) changed her mind about babysitting those days I'm gone?
Most of all, how do I explain CP? I had no trouble explaining it to our young sitter b/c she noticed right away that I limped and that she was called for nights when I'd pretend to leave, then run upstairs to sleep!
I thought writing this out might yield a self-reply, but I'm more confused than ever. She obviously already KNOWS I have RSD b/c I told her that is what's wrong with the foot, but she didn't act interested at all. Maybe she didn't want to seem too nosey?
How much do I reveal to someone new in my life? I mean, half the family has NO idea what is wrong with my foot. That may change soon b/c as the RSD gets worse, I have to say something.
15 years ago this month I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, tripped over a dog kennel, went flying into the bookshelves which fell on me and my foot, and NOW it's really a TRUE pain!
Thanks for letting me ramble, and for any replies. I'm really confused about what to do and/or say!
I'm pondering this situation and am not able to sleep so thought I'd get some opinions.
I have lived in this area for about 7 years- this specific neighborhood for about 4. My son is 2 and a half, and I recently made a friend out of one of the moms in his play group. She, too, has 1 son, just a few months older than J. Recently we lost a babysitter who had been with us since J was 6 months old. She was more like a nanny, as I was often gone an entire week for work. We're talking about having this new friend take over the sitting duties.
Thing is, I had them over Friday for a play date and she's great with J- he ADORES her. I really like her and we're a lot alike. J would get a lot out of having another kid around, too. But it's the RSD that I'm having trouble explaining.
I do NOT go around talking about the RSD. If I'm somewhere and it is noticeable I just say I have a bad foot. Very few people know. But the last sitter was so important for another reason- she would come over on nights when Mike was out, allowing me to go to bed early or just rest the foot. She was amazing, and we don't know what happened as she was paid VERY well and we gave her SO much when her own baby was born, and even Xmas bonus. SHE knew I had RSD, that it made me tired once in awhile and that I was always happy when she did extra housework. She'd do the house the night before I'd be due home and I would be thrilled, b/c who wants to come home, tired and cranky, to a mess? But SHE is gone.
So now I'm friends with JB, and I think she is great. But when I attempted to talk to her about other times I might need her as a sitter, she got kind of quiet. Like, I would start explaining what was wrong with my foot and she would change the subject, or talk to the boys, etc. I got the feeling that she didn't want to know this info, yet I need her to understand how bad it can get IF she is going to sit for us.
She really confused me by at 1st saying she was interested then not really talking about it. Maybe she assumed we'd talk next week?
Also, I NEED a close friend nearby! It's been so long since I lived with my family and friends that I've forgotten how great it is to have someone around. I'm used to having everyone in one spot.
SO I'm vacillating between telling her we should just be friends and have the kids do weekly play dates and then just refer to my foot as being bad when it does get bad, OR having her be our sitter and friend, meaning she'll be a friend who will know ALL about it.
She never need know HOW bad it gets. And we're headed into Summer and I don't have as many troubles in summer. But I get this feeling that she thinks I'm making this more than it is or that she doesn't get it at all. Nothing negative was said, I just told her about my foot "situation" and that sometimes we call the sitter to help out when Mike's out bowling, as evenings are harder for me than days.
If we do NOT hire her as a sitter, and we're just friends, she isn't like my friends who live around the world, she might actually SEE how bad it gets. In December my hubby still cringed when my foot got bluish, as it tends to do, and he has been around almost 14 years!
I really don't want to lose a new friend, and don't want J to lose HIS new friend, and we get along so well. Our hubbies would probably get along, too. She is the sweetest girl, but I'd hate to lose either a sitter or just friend to my RSD!
This is NOTHING compared to other posts, I get that, believe me. This is a problem but it isn't directly casing me pain (just insomnia!) But how do I explain CP without going into meds, flare-ups, and all the other things that come with it? And if she IS hired as a sitter I will HAVE to tell her about the meds b/c she'd have to know that, friends or not, if any went missing, we would have to prosecute b/c of my contract. Also, they're kept in a locked bathroom where there's NO reason for anyone to use. My son can get into anything so we must keep the meds locked away.
I'm half asleep and SO confused. Giving up a friend b/c I have RSD never crossed my mind. But here it is. If she can't handle the simple, watered down explanation, then how (or do I?) tell her the whole truth? We're talking about making Fridays a standing Play Date, and I just don't get it.
In addition, I know she had some problems with another mom in Play group. I don't know the details, but they no longer speak. She has been looking for a friend and so have I, our kids are months apart in age, and we live near enough that this could work.
I also think that she feels awkward b/c we have more $ than she does.
I was trying to avoid that, but the play date happened at our house. Which is where the babysitting would happen. There's nothing wrong with us having more- we are 15 years older than she is. But I get the feeling that something else is bothering her. It's SO hard to find a mom with a kid my age who is intelligent and funny- I don't want to lose her b/c I have to take meds and can't keep up on outings, etc.
Do I sit her down and tell her that I feel awkward NOT explaining RSD, b/c God forbid that something happens and I have to cancel, etc. Also, someone who will see me on a weekly basis is going to notice the RSD. The minute she sees me in sandals, the jig is up!
Or...
Do I just wait and see? I'm SO confused about the sitter position. She said she wanted to do it, but maybe the reality of 2 toddlers (hers would come along) changed her mind about babysitting those days I'm gone?
Most of all, how do I explain CP? I had no trouble explaining it to our young sitter b/c she noticed right away that I limped and that she was called for nights when I'd pretend to leave, then run upstairs to sleep!
I thought writing this out might yield a self-reply, but I'm more confused than ever. She obviously already KNOWS I have RSD b/c I told her that is what's wrong with the foot, but she didn't act interested at all. Maybe she didn't want to seem too nosey?
How much do I reveal to someone new in my life? I mean, half the family has NO idea what is wrong with my foot. That may change soon b/c as the RSD gets worse, I have to say something.
15 years ago this month I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, tripped over a dog kennel, went flying into the bookshelves which fell on me and my foot, and NOW it's really a TRUE pain!
Thanks for letting me ramble, and for any replies. I'm really confused about what to do and/or say!
If she does babysit, just ask her if she is available on short notice sometimes and don't go into detail.
Just thoughts....
can you have a talk with her outside of a playdate? without going any deeper than her ability to take it in that you'd have to judge as you speak. RSD is really hard for most people to get their heads around.
with new people, i try to be vague unless they express genuine interest and i'll explain more.
i hope this works out b/c i know it would be a tremendous help to you.
Ask her if she enjoys cleaning. If she doesn't, you might want to think about hiring a maid service.
Good luck Jen. I hope it works out for you.
As for cleaning, I lucked out with last sitter but like she said, for what we were paying her, she should've done cleaning. My hubby goes to work around 4am so she would have like 5 hours before J woke up. And my new friend does clean, and knows that it is involved. Not MY cleaning, but anything involved when I'm out of town. The main part of the sitting is for when I am out of town. Sitter must (obviously) clean up toys, and if I'm gone more than 3 days she must do Jaden's laundry, make him lunch, etc. Just normal clean up, not deep cleaning.
I have another option I'm looking into, hoping it will work as I expected. We'll see! ;)
If she is in need of $$ then she may not mind the extra work.
There is not way of telling if or what she would be interested in unless you come out & ask her.
There is no reason what so ever you can't hire her & be friends.
Some people are not comfortable with any type of medical issues.
If this is really important to you your best bet is to just tell her how you feel. Perhaps letting her know you realize its not easy for others to understand (RSD) & the last thing you want to do is put her in an uncomfortable position.
I have a huge problem with trust factors. I am one is in for all or nothing. As much as this may sound offensive to some women are or can be strange. I would not want to see you hurt for anything as I can tell just from reading your posts you are a wonderful caring person.
Try to get a feel for who & how she really is, throw some comments out there & see how she responds. Sometimes just telling someone exactly how you feel is the best option.
At least you know where you stand.
She may let you know then her comfort zone.
I'm sorry you lost the one you had, sounds like it worked out perfect.
If she is interested then printing out literature on your RSD would probably be best, its not a common thing you hear about often.
I wish you the best of luck, god knows you deserve it.
Sammy
It's never a great idea to try to mix business with true friendship..
I have the T-shirt.
Hugs......jc..