Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Support Group

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME/CFS) describes a sense of exhaustion and post-exertion malaise, even when you have gotten enough rest and sleep. The disease is characterized by six months of incapacitating fatigue experienced as profound exhaustion and extremely poor stamina, and problems with concentration and short-term memory. The cause is unknown, but it is a...

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4everyoung1 10/17/2011

I am 51 yrs old, divorced and in a 6 year relationship with a man.

Being my illness has gotten progressively worse the past 2 years, it is putting a strain on the relationship. I have asked my guy friend to look online and gather more information so my illness will make more sense to him. He has had alot of problems since I've known him, job loss, child custody issues, and probably house foreclosure. He is hinting strongly at the idea of moving in with me. I do not want this . I was too traumatized in my marriage and I want to finish raising my teenage daughter. Wow , this is getting long. Please bear with me, maybe I just need a safe place to vent. I think keeping everything inside is part of my problem. :/

I don't want the illness to define me but as it gets worse, it sort of is. I am having to tell more people because it is affecting my decision making in what I do or don't do. All depends on my energy and pain.

Now to the staying single part. I know it would be so nice to have a partner who would understand and be supportive. Maybe this guy will stand up and accept my boundaries. But if not, do I try to date or resign myself to the fact that it's too much.

Any advice would be great. Also, thanks for the ear. I hope that wasn't unappropriate to share so much. Let me know. Blessings to all :)

deleted_user 10/17/2011

I really don't have any answers for you, other than I believe if you don't have love in this life then it is pretty boring. Also, have him read "The Spoon Theory" at www.butyoudontlooksick.com It helps others to better understand what we go through each and every day.

RichieD 10/17/2011

I hesitate to give relationship advice, considering my history in that department. But I will say that your post is certainly not inappropriate. We are here to help one another, and relationship problems are a big issue for most if not all of us.

My feeling is that anything that stays within DS guidelines is appropriate. There's no moderator, no etiquette. If someone doesn't like a particular post, they should go read another thread, that's my attitude.

deleted_user 10/17/2011

If he hasn't adapted to your illness in these past two years (hence the strain), it's pretty unlikely that he's going to. My own divorce taught me that a relationship doesn't change in any big way after six years.

My big "Aha!" moment came when I realized, "Oh my God, he's never going to change. It's *always* going to be like this."

And this was *after* marriage counseling.

So you need to decide: Can I live with this relationship forever the way it is right now? That will help you decide on whether or not to invest any more of your valuable energy into it. Because whatever is between you *now* will only be intensified when you're under the same roof.

As for dating in the future, this illness is too unpredictable to forecast. All I can say is: Love is never wasted. And there are lots of ways to have emotional intimacy besides the romantic connection.

4everyoung1 10/17/2011

Thank you all for your posts.

Your kind words and advice made me smile. Appreciate you !!

Blessings, PJ

deleted_user 10/17/2011

I'm not sure what to add other than I think you should tell everyone about your illness, the symptoms you suffer and not keep it to yourself. Communities and decent hearted people should and do support you when you're weak. I've recently found that sometimes people even connect with you more because of this honesty and vulnerability.

kjfe 10/17/2011

I think you have a good point when you say that this illness affects the way you make decisions. The bottom line is there are things we cannot predict in life. You have to make decisions based on what you feel is right.

I don't know you or your boyfriend, but I wonder about what his alternatives are should he lose his house. Is this a move of convenience or commitment?

You know how much energy you have for yourself and your daughter and whatever else you are trying to deal with. I appreciate that you said you have boundaries and are willing to maintain them to take care of yourself.

I've been married for nearly 30 years so I may not be the best for giving advice here. But what I DO know is that my dad asked me when I was young and trying to decide whether or not to get married if I would go anywhere he (my boyfriend) went. I didn't understand what it meant at that time to sacrifice for a family, but I know now. Are you willing to sacrifice for this person and this relationship? Are you willing to commit to this relationship? There are questions you can ask yourself to help with this decision. You have more wisdom than you think.

deleted_user 10/17/2011

Im a male and I'm 54, and I'll give my advice from that perspective. You should not have this fellow move in with you. Just because we're sick does that me we have a right to throw all moral boundaries out the window? What happens after couples shack up together? It ends in disappointment and they eventually go their seperate ways. Why invest any more in this casual relationship? You need to tell him to hit the road, and he needs to get his stuff together. If you're one of these women who can't live without a man (I'm not saying you are), it's never too late to change. In spite of my horrendous sexual history, I have never asked a girl to move in with me. I would only be proving to myself how little I cared about her if I did that. And VickiB may rat me out for this, but I had sex with over 500 different hookers over a 25 year span. Thanks, Craig.

jenn1fer 10/18/2011

Endzone ! - I would hardly describe a 6 year relationship as casual !

4everyoung1 - I agree with kjfe about whether the moving in with you is a commitment from him or whether it is just convenient for him at this time. I am sure you probably know in your heart already which one applies the best to the situation.

Follow what your heart tells you,
Good luck to you whatever you decide !
Jen

jenn1fer 10/18/2011

Meant to add !

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. John 8:7.

Jen

kinizlife 10/18/2011

4everyoung1,

Something in your post stood out to me clear as day.

"He is hinting strongly at the idea of moving in with me. I do not want this . I was too traumatized in my marriage and I want to finish raising my teenage daughter."

That tells me you know what you want/don't want already. You don't have to live together to be in a relationship. I have a teenage daugter and I know the major decisions I make affect her in a big way. Best of luck to you.
Kini

deleted_user 10/18/2011

I've had a husband who couldn't handle my CFS, and a parttime boyfriend who could (maybe because he was parttime?). I learned from both experiences that no matter how much someone loves you, if they view your disability as a burden they have to "put up with," or dumb their own lives down for, it really sours the relationship with resentment.

On the other hand, someone who can be on your team and support you when you need it (and as they are available to do so) is a wonderful thing.

Everyone deserves love, no matter their circumstances. Your illness does not make you unworthy or unloveable, nor does it mean you have to settle for either being single or taking whoever you can get.

This is a wonderful opportunity for you to set your own boundaries, define what you're willing to accept in your life and what you're ready to be done with, and make loving choices FOR YOURSELF.

Hugs.

deleted_user 10/18/2011

Until recently, I cared for my disabled daughter. A lot of the stress I experienced was the result of not having control of what happened in my living space - T.V., radio on when I needed quiet; household too noisy when I wanted to go to bed. That, and the impact of her illness, progressively made my ME worse.

Your instincts tell you that you don't want this guy to move in with you. My guess is that the upheaval that a third person would bring to the household would be very hard on you. It is, too, quite difficult to persuade a person to leave once they have settled into your home.

Trust your instincts. They are an excellent guide for what is right for you.

I now live alone. It is lovely. And I'm improving.

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