CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
I was blessed with an incredibly close family but everything went wrong when it came to my attention that my youngest granddaughter was possibly being molested by her father (the ex-boyfriend of my youngest daughter). I did what you are required to by law not only as a grandma but also as any citizen should do - I spoke out against the abuse (I had also been witness to violent incidents against this little granddaughter by not only this man her father, but also his mother who reprehensibly used her little body as a ramming board against me in a shopping mall when all I was trying to do was to give her her Christmas present).
The matter went to court but the parents refused a medical examination of the child and went against me as if I had requested this examination.
From that moment on it was all about revenge and this young man (who has BPD and epilepsy and a history of cocaine and alcohol abuse) has managed to not only alienate my daughter against me, but now my granddaughter and has pulled three of my other children into his web (BPD features strong manipulative powers).
There is nothing I could have done differently. I was fighting for a little child without a voice.
Unfortunately, I am paying the price and it is severe.
The matter went to court but the parents refused a medical examination of the child and went against me as if I had requested this examination.
From that moment on it was all about revenge and this young man (who has BPD and epilepsy and a history of cocaine and alcohol abuse) has managed to not only alienate my daughter against me, but now my granddaughter and has pulled three of my other children into his web (BPD features strong manipulative powers).
There is nothing I could have done differently. I was fighting for a little child without a voice.
Unfortunately, I am paying the price and it is severe.
Did your daughter marry this guy? How long have they been together? Prayer is your weapon and it is a strong one.
My ED was never married to this guy - they lived together for the first year of the baby's life when it became apparent he was using cocaine and was busted by the police. During that year his grandmother said something very strange to me "You can have the baby now, but I will take her over later..." and she has remained true to her word. I was only helping out with babysitting at the time!
My ED really tried to give them a little home twice but he ruined it. They have a cordial relationship for the sake of the child - but here's the sorry thing - this guy and his mother and grandmother enable my ED financially - they pay for her apartment, phone, creche for my granddaughter (so that I will not be able to take care of her that is how it was from 18 mths of age) and although this may all seem very generous of them - it has resulted in my ED treating them like her family and rejecting her maternal family (us). They are a manipulative family with BPD.
I once asked an attorney how can such a man have shared custody of a little child? His response was "You have not brought the matter to the Court" and encouraged me to lay charges of child abuse, which I did. The rest is history.
Thanks again for all the encouragement and prayers. I miss my little granddaughter terribly.
I am so sorry. You did the only thing you could do ... protect a child. The court did nothing?
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How can you have a decent relationship with people such as these? So I ask you, why not continue to be an advocate for your precious granddaughter? You may be her only one.....
When I was a small child in a family with 3 other sisters ( two sets of twins 13 months apart), my father raised as an only child and having a temper, tormented all us little children. My mother was a gentle soul raise in a family of devout Baptists. She became his enabler...too embarrassed to leave him with so many little ones and go back to her father's home. So the wee little ones were forced to endure his temper rants and abuse.
I would have loved to have had an advocate of a loving grandmother looking out for me and my sisters. Instead I did not. And they, my maternal grandparents knew of his temper. The ones who could have interceded didn't as far as I know. But then they may have tried, but I know nothing of it. Never any mention of my father's angry outbursts. My maternal grandparents Never visited us on holidays and such....just my paternal relatives...my father's mother and aunts. And they knew of his violent temper.
Today my father is 88 and Love him. He was the most I'll fitted to ultimately have 5 daughters. He will face his transgressions when he is judged by the Lord.
But as I look back on my own life, I wish given a weak mother who lacked the strength or will to stand up to him, I would have loved having a grandmother such as you.
You do what you know is right. You stand by your granddaughter.
Although my daughter has estranged me, I continue to reach out to my precious grandchildren. I know when I find something, a toy or some clothes or my making them baby blankets and warm throws and scarfs, and I send them to Montana...they will enjoy them. And for now that is enough for me. I pray for God's interception in their lives...and I pray that my ED will not allow my SIL to torment my GC.
As a former law enforcement officer, I know she is strong. I also know that she adores her little ones.
And she sent me a phone text w picture of my new granddaughter announcing her birth, sent me a hand written thank you note for some of the many baby gifts I sent, and texted me on Mother's Day with a wish for a happy day. So I guess the ordeals are causing her some reflection.
The thing is I have always been there for her. And she demonstrated in the most horrid of ways that she was not and is not there for me. I am still young and healthy in today's new idea of what is old! But I cannot EVER sacrifice myself on her behalf again. I have absolutely no trust in her. So I pray that the Lord intercede in her life and she holds her husband accountable....and he comes to an understanding. I pray that her little family stays intact and love can overcome the difficulties.
The thing is this, I knew her husband back when my ED and he were teenagers....they were best friends in middle school and high school. I knew nothing about any difficulties he might have had. In fact I saw his controlling nature when they became engaged, but always felt that my daughter was strong enough to overcome his ??? demands. I think I was wrong....after she was married and lived close by prior to moving to MT, she was constantly finding out what HE wanted to do or think. She started to apologize all the time. It almost seemed like she was getting smaller and smaller.
But not until the baby was born did I see his craziness.....nothing could touch the baby unless washed; rigid schedules for feeding,sleeping, exercise like tummy time...dogmatic in providing pain relief for teething until he thought the baby was suffering enough....scheduled bath times when soap could or could not be used; deciding what the baby could eat and when! It was bizarre.
And when he began to act crazy with me when I took care of the baby is when I stopped taking care of the baby with the explanation that 'it was impossible to please him'! I never ever had an issue with my daughter, only with him....but then she WAS his enabler....and lacked the fortitude to confront him when it came to me. I can say with absolute conviction that he hated me. My mother and I have speculated that it is because of his control issues....and I am not one to be controlled and manipulated,much less verbally abused.
So he hates me. And since he hates me, my ED has problems with me too. She knows the truth. But you know they who have been tolerated all their lives are now the most intolerant of all.
The best thing is for them to be out in the harshness of rural MT to come to an appreciation of their families. Interestingly, my ED sent my father, her granddad a 14 page letter concerning her life. Supposedly she spoke of her happiness in MT, her love for her soulmate and her determination to have a God centered family. My father had sent her along letter admonishing her for being so ugly and disrespectful of me. My father is in the throes of battling cancer right now .... He has told her that as a Christian, she will not find the Lord's blessings in her life if she continues on such a path.
I am curious as to what she wrote on a certain level, but I will not pry.
And I know that if I don't have my grand children in my life, I will have them in the next.
I have no I'll will toward my ED and her husband. I was their most happy of supporters in giving them a beautiful wedding, gifts and presents....dinners out, celebrations in the smoky mtns...on and on...a nursery for the first baby...a new and huge washer and dryer....on and on...I loved them.
But I am no fool, and when I truly saw what was real, I recoiled. I have only sadness now in the depth of my soul. A sense of loss of what could have been. But I live today, not yesterday. And none of us are promised tomorrow.
So it is what it is.....and I will continue to send things for my GC until it doesn't make me happy or I don't have an address....because at some point they have to move!! There are no decent schools. They are living in the middle of nowhere in a two story barn like structure because they had 2 German shepherds, a great Dane and 3 cats when they arrived in MT....and a baby boy aged 15 months.
I used to think their love for their animals superceded their love for their own child. Time will tell, I guess.
Right now I really am not interested in seeing my ED or her husband. Not that that is a possibility. My GD was one month old this past weekend. And my daughter had a section. I was with her for 10days when my GS was born....cooking, cleaning, taking care of the animals while she was in the hospital...and then taking care of the baby at night so they could both sleep.
So maybe she thinks back and has some appreciation....I don't know. I do not contact her. But if she contacts me...I will respond in the most superficial of ways...no it's like talking on egg shells. Not even a semblance of a relationship. But it is getting easier...my heart is slowly converting itself into a stone when it comes to her, my ED.
My SIL is dying of cancer of the tongue...I don't know what will happen when he is gone. I hope eventually my daughter will realize how much he lied and manipulated and tried to destroy our family, and she will slowly come back...but in reality I know she may also just grow more bitter and resentful. How I wish I could help my GC through the loss of their father! They adore him (or did, when I knew them), which is what he wanted, and I think now they probably hate me, and since I am not allowed any contact I cannot help them at all, except with prayer.
My friends, I am so sorry you are all in similar circumstances...but I am also grateful to know I am not alone. Many hugs to you all ((( ))).
Donna
We were advised by a clinical psychologist to sign a statement at the child welfare saying that we would desist from trying to have access to our granddaughter as this was enraging her father (my ED's ex-boyfriend) to such an extent that the psychologist said he might decide to "take her away" in the most serious sense. So we did that but with heavy hearts breaking and we made sure that they knew we were still prepared to act as her place of safety should she ever be removed from the parents. We asked them to deliver two sweaters I knitted and embroidered for her birthday (6 next month) but child welfare said they were not able to do so as it would appear they were taking sides!
I cannot give my E grandchildren gifts or my EC as they are either not collected from the post office and returned unclaimed or as in this case, they have taken out a protection order so that we are not allowed to make any contact whatsoever with them - this is still in application form and for those of you who pray please pray that it will not be passed by the court - not that we want to see them, but we do not want especially the father to have such an order as he WILL abuse it as he has BPD and he was the one who applied for this reprehensible order.
Imagine facing a court case for LOVE and SUPPORT? But you see it is all about revenge because I laid charges of child abuse and molestation against him and this is his way of getting revenge I just pray the court will realize that. Please pray it will be apparent to them and this guy "C" will have all his evil ways revealed esp in the eyes of my ED who is firmly in his web.
You read about such things in novels. You never think they could possibly happen in your own life!!
I am so sorry. You did the only thing you could do ... protect a child. The court did nothing?
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My response: My ED has done nothing. Yet she was standing next to me when my GD was in the bath and she told us the first time what he had done. She raised her eyebrows then and we were both very worried - and then more things became apparent - but she has not stood by me and it had to be me alone who did the reporting (therefore I am the one being avenged by the guy). You see his family pay for her apartment, her phone bills, her fuel, my GD's creche bills - everything. They are wealthy but they are evil and powerful. I am so sorry my ED ever met this horrible man and there is nothing, nothing I can do to get my little granddaughter out of the situation.
BTW the CPS took the matter to court and the parents outright refused any examination of the little one (and hate me as if I had requested such an exam, when I did not - it is their routine to do so). As a result she never had the examination and CPS told me they had a feeling little one who was then just 5 had been "coached" as she said in court "My daddy would never do such a thing" which are the exact words he used in his affidavit!! CPS said that as she grows older, she will speak out. Child Welfare said they did not follow the correct procedure and are going to take the matter further. I don't know any longer what will happen. My ED has been bought by this family and I saw it coming when they first placed her in a flat etc and paid for it. I warned her "Move out, get your own place or they will control you. Apply for maintenance instead!" but she did not listen to me.
When I threw my toys out of the cot to an attorney asking "Why does this father have 50% (and more) access to his little girl when he has a history of cocaine use, has epilepsy from using it and a serious personality disorder (BPD) for which there is NO medication?" he said "Because you have not made that known to the Court!" I asked how - and was told to lay charges, which I did and now am paying a heavy price. Both of us are, myself and my husband.
They will not allow us to see their little girl and now not only my daughter is alienated but he has alienated my little GD from us too and she grew up in our home from birth - he had the audacity to admit in an affidavit that he took her for counselling because she was missing us so much - we had such a close bond!
He has also reprehensibly taken in by manipulation another daughter of mine and a son - I don't know what they have been told but they are now EC. They are siding with this maniac.
This is all still very raw to me and sometimes I feel I am living in a nightmare...and I fear for my granddaughter and what she is feeling and how much she must be missing us - she never wanted to go to her father - we always had to cajole her (before we knew what had happened) as it was by law his turn...she would yell and scream and break our hearts. Oh my God it is such a horrible situation...