I'm with you Mommadarling. I've only been on this path since August of this year, so it's fairly fresh. My bad days back in the fall weren't pretty. I questioned my life, what good I had done, and at times whether it would be better to be in the next life. My emotional state was up and down like a toilet seat. Someone on here suggested I get help and I did. I went on an anti-depressant, and got counselling. Although I know both of those helped, I thank God for getting me through those dark days. And the people on here who cared and encouraged. Dark days to that depth are rare now, but grief can stab like a knife when I see photos or hear someone talking about their perfect families. I don't believe them, but it still bothers me.
I identify with your list above - especially the chocolate. The crazy thing about anti-depressants is that they make you gain weight. That's depressing! So I'm weaning myself off. I was going to wait till after Christmas but I can't fit into my clothes right.
Thanks for sharing your vulnerabilities with us. We're all vulnerable, and exposing ourselves means we trust each other.

Bad days do come due to estrangement. So many things can trigger us and set us off onto a bad day. I would say one of the things I am most prone to do during that time is to hide away from people when possible. This is true especially of people I know well (friends) who I would ask the question, "How is your daughter?" I still get exhausted from that question. I know you all understand.

I have only been here since August. A bad day for me involves:

crying
sulking
not wanting to eat
not wanting to socialize with anyone where it requires me to act happy when I don't feel happy
even though I say not wanting to eat, I will binge eat (chips, chocolate)
sleeping
getting angry at my son for putting me in this place
sometimes doubting God for putting me in this place
wondering what I have done to cause this
doubting myself and what I could have done wrong
wondering why my son has to behave the way he does--not calling, not contacting us, not coming to see us
questioning life

I have sometimes felt like it would be better to be in the next life as well. I think it is just the pain and that I so want it to go away. I am tired of waking up in the middle of the night wanting to cry and not being able to fall asleep. I am tired of being sad. I feel like this has changed my personality from the person I used to be. I no longer have a joy for life and dread work, dread church, dread times with extended family, dread evening and night time when everything is so quiet. It is not a fun time in life. I just keep trying to restore my faith and hope that God has an answer somewhere down the road. I can't imagine living through this for years like some of you have. You are strong women and don't let anyone else tell you that you aren't. We have to have some fortitude inside us somewhere.

I hope everyone has a good Thanksgiving -- make it as good as it can be.

lindajoan, I know what you mean by the question. For me it is wrought with shame, embarassment, hurt etc.

The last time that someone who knows all about my son asked me how he was, I said, " I know that you are trying to be kind in showing an interest, but it really upsets me to talk about _______, so I would rather skip the subject. He looked a bit embarassed because he knew that he was being a bit overbearing and was telling me what I should do." He has never asked me since. All he says is, " I am still praying for your son." To which I answer, " Thank you."

It has been over a year for me and I still have a lot of bad days. I had to go on antidepressants just to get through the day. They have helped some. On my worst days, I just want to go to sleep but a lot of times I dream about the estrangement so that isn't any relief. I cry, I grieve, I pray for the Rapture. I have done too much shopping and eating, anything to give myself a moment of enjoyment. I cry out to the Lord, "Please help me." Sometimes I can't even pray because I am so upset so I just say "Help." He knows what I mean.

Oh yes, I feel that way all the time. Yesterday was a BAD day. I went to church & prayed, & MADE myself come home & clean house. I cleaned for 3 hours, & got my laundry done. I didn't want to do any of it, but I feel too guilty at the end of the day if I don't get stuff done. I have quite a few times though, just stayed at home, not talked to anyone & my appetite is almost gone. I pray everyday, several times a day & the pain just isn't getting any better. I am being tested, and tested, and tested. I think God must be really mad at me for something..You are not alone. ((hug))

This sounds like most of my days. A good day is the exception and I can't even pinpoint one recently. Doing anything other than staying home feels so stressful. In the past I've had really stressful times where I can't eat much. It is the opposite now and it makes me feel even worse. Like barbyz, holidays coming up and nothing fits. I went to the dreaded mall and tried things on over the weekend, that was doubly depressing. However, we are going away tomorrow to meet my parents and sister at a resort for the holiday and I am really really looking forward to that. I am sure I will have a good day or two there. I rarely look forward to anything so it is so nice to have something like this to look forward to. Hugs to you all. I feel like if we were all together there would be a lot of joy just in having sisters who understand.

My bad days are not as frequent now. On those, I generally let myself cry, I played piano, drank wine….. which made for some interesting piano tunes, and whined to whomever would listen. Fortunately for me, they only hit on the weekends since I keep myself busy through the week.

Thanksgiving (I live in Canada) was hard for me, but overall I don't feel sad very often now. I raised my children, now I have other things to do. If I don't do what I feel God wants me to do, I don't think he'll be too impressed when I stand before him and say… "But God, I was sad. I missed my children." I want him to be pleased and say, " Well done, good and faithful servant."

That is a good thought, Canadian Mother.

I agree with CanadianMother. I feel we just CANT give up. I do think the first year is probably the hardest for those of you who are pretty new at this. Go easy on yourself and do what works best BUT I think we do have the responsibility to so persevere in all the things the Lord wants us to do like, study, pray, cry, share and cry some more. I believe in His time He will give us newness and that too will go with your personality. Im a sanguine so its the days that the phone rings, or folks folks folks that are my best days. I remember the days are too quiet and thats the day I want all of it the most and the Lord allows many of those days to KNOW HIM better and He seems to say to me all you need is ME. Now, my hardest times are in the morning when I wake up. Anyone experience this?? I have to get out of bed and drink my coffee and then the Lords heart seems to start kicking in. I have felt an oppression the last two days. I realized this afternoon that the evil one wants me super down for Thanksgiving. I go often to my 1,000 gifts book and devotional and that helps me so so much. Also, I do St. John Wort and that has helped me soooo much. I didnt do the antidepressant because of the weight gain. I did it for menopausal reasons way back and ended up too much weight gain. I so much want victory this holiday season and not defeat... praying for all of you too.

Oddly, my bad days came at night and still do. I'd wake up often when this all started in the night in such a panic and in so much despair I felt like I was suffocating or like I was a rat in a box I could not get out of. I'd lay there feeling so hopeless and alone...like no one in the whole world cared at all about me! It did not help that I was living far from home among strangers who did not even know my name or care to. I'd feel so unloved and rejected by my EC. Then I'd get to fretting and worrying about what was going to come of DH and I when one of us went home to be with the Lord....who would care about the one left behind here....because most of those awful nights it truly was just DH and I and 2 little dogs far far from home among strangers who did not care what happened to us. Our EC did not know where we were, much less care then either. Then I'd feel one of my furry babies snuggled under the covers up next to me and realize that DH and I were all they had too and I'd buck it up again for their sake as my heart would break thinking of them all alone and totally helpless and at strangers mercy without us....and I'd make it a few more days before the next bad night came. After a while those nights began to come less and less, but even now, just the other night I had one of those bad nights again, even though we are in touch again with our oldest son now....will I ever get past these bad nights??? Now that the worst has happened to us and I don't live in that innocent little world where "nothing bad is going to happen to me because I am good little Christian in church 3 times a week, and I tithe, and I serve and I raised my kids in church"....I have lost my innocence and know that bad things can indeed happen to me...and that is the thing that wakes me up in the middle of the night that I just can't seem to get past yet....