Tell him the whole story. Pastors are supposed to keep things private. He'll pray for you and will be supportive and understanding if you appear upset in church. My pastor knows and asks how I'm doing sometimes and prays with me. He recently lost a son which helps him understand in a way.

This might help.

I would say that your D estranged herself from you. When you say you are estranged from your D, it always sounds like YOU are the ones doing the estranging of her not the truth of it being the other way around. After trial and error, I found out that when I had to explain our situation to new people, they "got it" MUCH better and with less questioning when I stated it that our D estranged herself from us.

imresilient - what a good way to put it. Definitely it is our children who estranged themselves from us, not the other way around. I will remember that and say the same thing next time I'm asked.

I would share your story with your new Pastor when you believe the time is right. No rush!

I like that way of sharing, imresilient. That is truthful (in our case too). We do not have to feel obligated to share details unless led by the Lord to do so.

I just had this conversation yesterday.

I was with an old friend who knew what had happened and a new friend who really did not know but I trusted her. I explained that our D estranged herself from us. The new friend understood immediately. Then my old friend said I still don't understand why and I said not to try to come up with a rational explanation for an irrational act. That statement also has come through trial and error and it also seems to stop the questioning and start people thinking.

All of them are prodigals. They think they have it together, and they don't need us, and they don't need God. They are in a "far country" even if they just live across town. You're not obligated to explain anything to anyone you don't want to. Some will understand immediately, others will give you a blank look because they have never experienced the pain that you are in. When all of this started, I used to explain things to people who had known us from the past. Now when people ask how my son is doing, many times I just say, "He's doing well; he has a good job,and his own place." I don't mention the baby any more, because he isn't in my son's life. I don't mention that my son is living with a girl. I guess part of me is ashamed because it makes my son look like a "baby daddy." He made a baby and now he's not in his life. My dream for him was so different.

imresilient - thanks for posting. I am definitely going to follow your way of handling that question. This past week I was with my sister and her SIL who asked about my ES so I told her some of the things that lead up to the estrangement but in a voice without feeling, like I was reporting the weather. I am over crying whenever anyone asks about my ES and pretty over the anger, it is what it is. That's what my mom used to say about a situation she had no control over: It is what it is.

But telling people our son estranged himself from us sort of lets people know it wasn't "our" choice.

Well I think it very important that when we tell others our estrangement story that people understand who started this, not in a childish way, but the truth about how it happened. We always have to remember that this estrangement, this silent treatment, all the bad behavior is not about us as parents but TOTALLY about them.
And really it can only be fixed by them, not us. We really can help ourselves or at the very least stop hurting ourselves, by wording this correctly. I know it has helped me.

Lots of good advice here - some I have used, some I will use. But in the back of my mind I can't help thinking whoever I am talking with -- in the back of "their minds they might be thinking that I was a terrible parent to have my son want nothing to do with me when their child(ren) enjoy spending time withthem.

imresilient - yes, yes, yes - this reminds me of something a therapist told me - don't try to rationalise the irrational. We tend to think and rethink everything to see how we could have prevented it, what we did wrong or said wrong - how we could have stopped this happening - I was told STOP and don't do it. I almost drove myself batty thinking and thinking and re-thinking and then I learnt from "What on Earth am I Here For" by Warren - recommended to me here on this website - to replace those thoughts with scriptures. Nowadays I simply replace them with "Jesus!" help me I am going out of my mind....

Am also being less hard on myself realising that I am suffering grief and grief lasts at least 2 years so now I don't try to think myself out of the situation, when I want to cry, I cry and weep when I want to weep and realised that depression is actually a normal response - sometimes we have to go through a horrible vortex to get out into the next phase of our lives - which I greatly look forward to after this, the worst time of my life!! Ever!!

Yes, yes - an important point - our daughter has estranged herself from US - her choice not ours - the wording yes, its very important you are all right!

Ishallwearp... thank you for your post. It is good for each of us to remind one another that it is okay to cray/weep and keep reliving "what if". The first 2 years are definitely the worst. It will be 6 for me in September and this website has helped me heal so much. Thank you Christian sisters.

I was the one who recommended Rick Warren's book. It also helped me because I had just retired, my children were grown (and one estranged), we were living in a new place and I was wondering what is the rest of my life about. It was a great study.

And I can't say enough how much the topic "Detachment" helped me.

Life is a struggle but not so much if we lean on God to guide us.

Agreed Friends

Our EC estranged from us and we can not explain the irrational. I believe the enemy had a lot to do with it, too, but not every person (non-believer) would understand what we know to be true.

Our estrangement has been approx. 1 1/2 years now. I am thankful we have the Lord to see us through life and I am thankful for this safe place.