I recently asked DH if we could have done things differently with our ED,also. He said we did all we could and nothing wrong that deserved this estrangement. Our ED (and many of our EC)are ungrateful and act entitled. It does not make sense. Please do not blame yourself.

I trynot to blame myself but sometimes i do.My DH tries to tell me the same thing he tells me not to put that in my head.But sometimes i think down the road aswe get older who will help us,especially when one of us, hate to say it but die.I am not planning on either one of us going anywhere but it will happen.And what if i didnt do all i could have done,is this why God is making me go through this.

Each of us tried our best and hardest to be good parents and give our EC a good life, upbringing and met their needs plus. As far as I know, we were all close to our children during the years we were raising them and well into adulthood. I really don't think we did anything wrong or we could have done anything differently. We are human and probably made mistakes just like any other parents. The problems for us happened when he got together with current GF who is extremely jealous of us and actually hates us. So there was a choice of her or us and unfortunately he took the road less traveled so to speak. Most children would not forsake their parents but ours did. I really think it depends greatly on the people they have chosen to be in their lives. I could be terribly wrong but not from my point of view. We raised them in Christian homes with values, morals and respect. They have rejected all of that but it is their decision and we can't control their behavior. We can only decide for ourselves what we are thinking and doing. I know I fall into the trap of blaming myself. But when you really look at the entire situation, I think most of us have a lot in common and it truly is their decision and nothing we did wrong.

Two things that helped me: An earlier topic on this site called "Detachment" (try to find it and read the posts, it really helped me) and last night when visiting with a cousin who said she and her husband sat down with their estranged son and apologized for being bad parents but how did their other 2 children grow to love them when they were all raised the same?

It isn't the parents - it is just that we are all different and for whatever reason these EC chose to turn on us. Onoy God can turn them around.

I believe I,as well as most everyone with these kids, have done all we could and given our very best to raising them. Of course we made mistakes just as they are making mistakes with their own children. The major problem I see as whyonlychild has said is the people they chose to spend their lives with. I often want to ask my dtrs how many times did their husbands have to tell them how awful I am before they believed them.

It is about THEM not US! We did the best we could and they weren't abused or beaten or raised in a car! Some kids that were aren't so bitter and grew up to lead very good lives! It's not about how they were raised, it's how they perceive things and sometimes ( in my situation) they are manipulated by someone they love and don't realize it and my ED's are active alcoholics and don't realize that either! Both their parents are alcoholic but I have been in recovery and will celebrate 8 years sober on 9/4!! I am truly blessed and that's part of their problem too. I am sober and they can't manipulate me like they used to and they don't know how to deal with that. I was the one who always apologized and called and begged forgiveness, even into my first few years of sobriety, so they don't know how to handle my boundaries that I have set with them and why I am not calling to see why they won't talk to me. I have nothing to apologize for and they have treated me with such disrespect and hatred, I am not sure I want to speak to them unless they are sober and realize how much they have hurt me! They need to grow up some more and experience life and have some more of life's experiences happen to them. I think all of our EC's need that!

nana58 - good post. I do believe my DIL encouraged our son to become estranged, but these "adults in training" feed on each other. I can't blame my DIL entirely. Our ES bought her words how terrible we were as parents and together they became estranged.

Our EC turned their backs on us and show no gratitude. Only God can change them and learning by living. Usually people have to go through things to change. The prodigal did!

Congratulations, Texas.

I look at es pictures too sometimes when I can bear it and see his smiling face and the good times we all had and think at what moment this this go wrong? How could I have stopped it? Norske your situation sounds exactly like ours with es and dil.

I made a decision a couple of weeks ago to take out my photos again. Rather than dwelling on what isn't there now (any sort of relationship with my children/grandchildren) I've decided to remember the good times…and there were many. So, photos are back out and now I'm smiling when I pass by them.

Good going, texassunshine!

wow, so many situations just like mine. I have gone over and over that again, what could I have done differently. I too, raised my EC in a Christian home with Christian values. We didn't give the EC everything, but what we could afford, we freely gave, things we felt were valuable, Christian summer camp that they loved, school activities they were interested in, etc., we paid tuition for college, and then after they were married, we helped when they needed help financially and of our time. We noticed that they did not give back. It wasn't like we were keeping track, but we felt now that they were adults, they still had expectations of dependent children. When I decided to share about my feelings (which I hadn't done before) of not being acknowledged on Mother's Day, which I felt I shared with great sensitivity toward not a reprimand, just a sharing, I was met with such hostility, I was shocked. I too, feel this is more about them. I too, took pictures down, and haven't felt I could put them back up yet, as it pains me to remember how good the times were before spouses entered the picture it seems. I can't put the blame on the spouses though, they are adults and can make choices. Its hard not to blame myself, or share with others who are not estranged, as they want to tell you what you need to do to fix the situation. it is so sad there are so many of us. I never realized there were so many. So many suffer in silence. It seems to me that there is a thread than runs through what I have heard and that is that we were there, present with our children, loving parents and gave our whole heart. I know there are some kids who spend their whole lives trying to get the attention and please their parent, don't cut them off. I feel like my kids know I will be there for them no matter what, and no matter how they treat me. I get confused when we are to be more like Jesus and forgive and forgive and always be there. I know there is accountability...maybe that is what I need to learn more about...???

Dear grandmama2. This is not a journey that I would wish on anyone. I often say to myself " Why me Lord?". Your story is so familiar. It isn't as if we were 'helicopter' parents, always hovering over our ES. But to him, we didn't do enough. Now he and my DIL are 'helicopter' parents. My grandsons are so regimented that they have electronic calendars to keep track of their schedules. When I mentioned to my ES that we needed to book some time with them, he went ballistic saying that at least he and my DIL were always there for them. I didn't get it and I still don't. I wonder what my grandson's aged 8 and 12 will be like when they are 45, like my ES. Blessings

When this crazy family came into our life, everything my son was, everything he believed in, everything he loved was turned inside out and upside down. Everything that was important to him was not anymore, and things he lived saying he would never do he did.. It's like a drug.. What do these people have on our kids!!!! They become strangers to us, and where once they loved us it is replaced with disdain! Why! Why! Why!!! What happened!!!!! To me, if I could just have stopped this from happening, we'd still be happy.. (moving here and meeting these crazy people). I just do not believe any of this would have happened if we'd stayed home.

Grandmama2, I often wonder whether it is because of the fact they know we will never turn from them, that they feel free to treat us like this. Who knows! Myself, I've made the decision that there will be no more apologies coming from me….been there, done that. From now on, if they ever do decide to grace me with their presence, they will be expected to treat me with respect and courtesy, or I'll simply walk away. I'm done being a doormat. :-) And, you know what???? It feel quite liberating!