CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Hello, I'm new to this. I have been looking for a Christian support group, and I'm so glad I found you.
As far as support groups, there are many for parents put on by PFLAG and GLBT community but this would be like brainwashing to make my "mind right". And as far as Christian churches for support, as you may know, they aren't always equipped to help the broken (though they should be). It's been a very isolating experience.
The last year has been the hardest. My ED thinks she is transgender and is quite seriously moving ahead to get hormones and surgery. A hysterectomy? It's horrifying to me, but I hoped it would pass. She mistook my silence for support, so I've had to clarify I will not support this in any way. She still lives at home, and I've told her she needs to be on her own if wanting to make such drastic changes that go against how she was raised to love the lord. Of course, I am the narrow-minded one, and I'm always the problem:
She has told me many times what I did wrong raising her, how weak I am, that religion is a crutch for some people. She vacilates between condescention and disrespect, to saying just the right things to get another hand out from Mom. It's like living with jekyl and hyde. I sense her manipulation and despise my weakness, but I get a glimpse of the girl I knew and hope renews, until the next problem our outburst
I've raised her alone...I'm tapped out financially, she's dropped out of high school, she's been hospitalized for deoression, suicide threats, I've done everything I can imagine to get her help. This has been going on since she hit puberty at 9. I'M EXHAUSTED.
And all my work and care has gotten to her thinking she is a boy. What a lie from Satan that I think counselors encourage in her! I don't for one second think God made a mistake. And I never saw one indication that she wanted this while growing up. She wanted to wear dresses, play with dolls, dressed as a princess for Halloween. Where did this come from?
This past year I've moved to a new State for work (she came with), I lost my Mom to pancreatic cancer last March, and I was diagnosed about a year ago with Multiple Sclerosis. I'm in Christian therapy but haven't found church where I fit in yet.
ED says she's moving out end of lease..and I won't be a part of her life because I don't support her the right way. Some days I feel like I don't even like her, and I don't recognize her.
I WANT her to move out, which sounds harsh, but she's almost 21 and respects no boundaries with me. I feel depressed and discouraged just being around her- like a dark cloud in her presence. I somehow have to take care of my self, then feel guilty for not loving her enough. She critizises me in little and big ways...she sneers when I mention God's plan for her life. I've asked her to not swear, but she continues. She barges into my room, listens to my phone calls. She gives me referrals to transgender groups....she acts like the parent, and I'm the wayward child.
I've over-spent on her trying to make things right, but she's a black hole that nothing fills. I cannot maintain supporting her without ruining myself. I've let her make too many choices and I realize somedays I'm scared of her: what if she gets suicidal, what if she lashes out, what if she's homeless.
Sorry that is such a rant, my heart is so heavy.
Thanks for listening
As far as support groups, there are many for parents put on by PFLAG and GLBT community but this would be like brainwashing to make my "mind right". And as far as Christian churches for support, as you may know, they aren't always equipped to help the broken (though they should be). It's been a very isolating experience.
The last year has been the hardest. My ED thinks she is transgender and is quite seriously moving ahead to get hormones and surgery. A hysterectomy? It's horrifying to me, but I hoped it would pass. She mistook my silence for support, so I've had to clarify I will not support this in any way. She still lives at home, and I've told her she needs to be on her own if wanting to make such drastic changes that go against how she was raised to love the lord. Of course, I am the narrow-minded one, and I'm always the problem:
She has told me many times what I did wrong raising her, how weak I am, that religion is a crutch for some people. She vacilates between condescention and disrespect, to saying just the right things to get another hand out from Mom. It's like living with jekyl and hyde. I sense her manipulation and despise my weakness, but I get a glimpse of the girl I knew and hope renews, until the next problem our outburst
I've raised her alone...I'm tapped out financially, she's dropped out of high school, she's been hospitalized for deoression, suicide threats, I've done everything I can imagine to get her help. This has been going on since she hit puberty at 9. I'M EXHAUSTED.
And all my work and care has gotten to her thinking she is a boy. What a lie from Satan that I think counselors encourage in her! I don't for one second think God made a mistake. And I never saw one indication that she wanted this while growing up. She wanted to wear dresses, play with dolls, dressed as a princess for Halloween. Where did this come from?
This past year I've moved to a new State for work (she came with), I lost my Mom to pancreatic cancer last March, and I was diagnosed about a year ago with Multiple Sclerosis. I'm in Christian therapy but haven't found church where I fit in yet.
ED says she's moving out end of lease..and I won't be a part of her life because I don't support her the right way. Some days I feel like I don't even like her, and I don't recognize her.
I WANT her to move out, which sounds harsh, but she's almost 21 and respects no boundaries with me. I feel depressed and discouraged just being around her- like a dark cloud in her presence. I somehow have to take care of my self, then feel guilty for not loving her enough. She critizises me in little and big ways...she sneers when I mention God's plan for her life. I've asked her to not swear, but she continues. She barges into my room, listens to my phone calls. She gives me referrals to transgender groups....she acts like the parent, and I'm the wayward child.
I've over-spent on her trying to make things right, but she's a black hole that nothing fills. I cannot maintain supporting her without ruining myself. I've let her make too many choices and I realize somedays I'm scared of her: what if she gets suicidal, what if she lashes out, what if she's homeless.
Sorry that is such a rant, my heart is so heavy.
Thanks for listening
I agree with the idea of Christian counseling to give you support. Please continue to join us. We support and pray one for another.
You can love your daughter and you can pray for her, but loving her does not mean accepting her disrespect… it sounds like it's time to step out of the way, and let God deal with her. Let her move out.
I hope you can find a good counselor and church-- it's not always easy finding a church, and when it comes to these issues, Christians can be the most judgmental, leaving us to feel alone. We are here for you.
Lifting you in prayer.
"The Lord's bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged, with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition, if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will. 2 Timothy 2:24-26
"Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ…"Ephesians 4:15
"But whoever has the world's goods, and sees his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him? Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth. We will know by this that we are of the truth, and will assure our heart before Him…" 1 John 3:17-19
How we deal with brothers and sisters in Christ is different than dealing with non-believers. And yes, no one is promised tomorrow. My best friend died 3 years ago from a massive stroke--she was only 46 and healthy up until that moment. She knew I was a Christian and came to me to prayer, but other than that she was not interested in the Lord and I never "pushed" it with her--kept thinking there was time. Not that I didn't share the gospel with her and she knew my beliefs, but I never fully addressed her sin condition with her… Then Her time ran out. :( I believe I have to answer for that one.
My 30 yr old foster son, who is like a son to us ,and whom we love very much is living the homosexual lifestyle. He once served the Lord but walked away...though I'm sure he is still a "believer". He knows very well that homosexual behavior is condemned in scripture.We do not condone his behavior but we have managed to work out a relationship where we simply do not discuss it. I feel I am not to talk to him any further about the sin aspect but to pray for him only. We do not allow him to bring home to visit anyone he is involved with a sexual relationship, and we would certainly have nothing to do with any "gay marriage" ...that is legal here in Canada.
I do not believe that people "choose" their feeling of same sex attractions but then neither do adulterers and fornicators and we do not condone that and make excuses for them either. In Christ we have the power to overcome sin, and Christians with homosexual inclinations are called to chaste living just as any other Christian is. Scripture condemns all sexual behavior outside of the marriage of one man and one woman.
You've got wonderful advice about the disrespect. As hard as it's going to be, tough love wins out. She's not going to stop being disrespectful until you demand it stops. If she's in your room remind her that's your space and she needs to leave. If she won't stop the conversation, and take your phone and go elsewhere. Write up the rules and consequences and have her see them. If it requires her moving out then have her do so. Have her know when that happens that she can come back, but only if she's willing to follow the rules or she'll have the same consequence.
Getting meds/surgury for transgender is very expensive and not covered by insurance, so I wouldn't make a big deal about it right now. She already knows how you feel, so drop it.
Any sin our children are going through is up to them to correct. We can state the Bible, but I don't believe it's going to do any good to drum it into them. When they're ready for God to convict them, then they'll change. My heart goes out to you who have gay children. I used to believe it was always a choice until I read a book by Chuck Swendoll. Sorry, I don't remember the title. He has a friend who loves God, and was secretly gay. He was married with children, but would sneak into a gay bathhouse in CA when they had them and they were illegal. He got caught and arrested. He and his wife remained friends, but got a divorce. Chuck Swendoll didn't say if he's actions were right or wrong, just to let readers know that people truly do struggle with that issue.
We all have something we struggle with. To God sin is sin. I would suggest to someone gay to just not act on it. Don't fake date the opposite sex, but don't persue the gay either. I realize we all have a desire to be in a relationship, so that may be very hard advice to take. We can't make them take that advice. If they choose to persue a gay relationship, then that's their sin between them and God.
Beckyschaar, I'm so sorry you have a daughter who speaks to you disrespectfully. When your daughter moves out, she already knows you don't approve of her new lifestyle. Please just Love her Unconditionally ! You don't gotta enable her by jumping at her demands, but Love her like Jesus still Loves her. I pray for Supernatural strength for you, & Lord guide her to the church that will except & not be judgemental. Its not your fault your daughter chose that direction for her life.