Paws4it, my DH and I did move about a year after we "detached" from our EC. I honestly think it was the best thing we did for ourselves at that time. For us the constant reminders of bumping into shared friends or family that have taken sides with the EC against you, or the friends who do not know and ask you all those "how are the kids" questions, and most of all the stress of actually bumping into your EC or GC's after detachment was just too much for us. Emotionally we never got a chance to heal before being hurt once more by the above situations.

The one thing however, that we could not get far enough from is that inevitable question even strangers ask you sometimes...do you have kids? When the detachment was brand new, my face when asked this question gave away the pain, and so I could not do as I have healed enough to do now....smile and say yes, and offer no more, hoping they quit at that question.

Now that we are back where we grew up (ES are hours away from here) it's a bit harder as we see people who knew us when our ES were just boys. We moved from here right after the oldest ES graduated and went off to the Military. So we now get those where are your kids now questions, but I find that again, as long as I smile and just state the barest of facts....they live so and so, usually no one asks much beyond that and my smile does not give away the fact I have not seen them in 6 years now.

However, moving has its own set of stresses as well as moving away from your support system at a critical time in your life. Ultimately for us, we were always homesick, lonely, and alone. God unexpectedly brought us back to our hometown and that has been a huge blessing in our healing and building a life again without the ES.

Follow your gut...that would be my best advice to someone contemplating moving, for your gut is really the Holy Spirit ....that's why its never wrong! God Bless you today Paw4it and may He direct your path!

Yes, paws, that is a hard question. When asked by one person I was not ready and just said, yes and they are mad that we moved away....well not entirely untrue in that before the estrangement we had talked about a possible move because of job and my ED was all put out...why, because I would not be easily at her beck and call anymore! My world wasn't going to revolve around her so much...and gee if she wanted to do her stop by while spending time with all her friends, she couldn't...she didn't have a convenient bathroom, meal source, babysitter, etc, etc. She had talked so many times how we should move closer, I could quit my job and babysit for her!
Our move so far has made us feel more relaxed, we are starting to meet people, and I have not had a whole lot of questions. I decided not to put any pictures up of the ECs as that could invite a lot more questions. I took them down over a year ago in the old house. I am going to have to practice my response though when asked. I think it will be yes, but they live in other cities not close. its awful that we should feel uncomfortable and that others should make us uncomfortable...we did nothing wrong! I have a friend who told me I needed to get this fixed as the stress was going to kill me....I just wrote 'friend'...hmmmm, what an awful thing to say to me. Yes, she has her children close and around her..she doesn't realize in a flash that could all change like it did for us. Never would I have thought....so it makes me take pause and think about the innocent questions we may ask or the comments we may make not realizing....there are many hurt and wounded people out there, I hope I am more sensitive to others and careful with my words!

lostall3, you made my eyes tear up with your sweet post..thank you so much. That is just what I plan is moving out of this area where everyone knows, and getting back to where we were loved and have a support system again. I feel like we only have people that judge us that do not know us here. You just read me like a book, and that touched my heart. Thank you so much..
May God bless you with His peace, that passes all understandings.. (hugs)))

Paw4it, I am smiling.....and you are so very welcome!

Just this morning in a conversation with a cousin who doesn' tknow of the situation with my kids this happened. She is a person who helps others and she was out taking an older lady she was friends wiht in her church to visit her brother an dto get out of the assisted living home for a while. I told her that I pray for God to put someone like her inmy life when I am older or sick and can't do for myself. In the conversaiton she said that I wouldn't have to worry about someone to take care of me that God had blessed me with 3 dtrs. I didn't go into details but told her no I don't hear much from them. She said Oh, they will be there when you need them and again I just simply said no they won't and let it go at that. I didn't want to get into it then. She meant well.

grandmama, you are so right! What is that saying be kind to everyone you meet because you dont know what burden they are carrying. I am stuck there thru the winter and have been here the past 4+ years goig thru this. My husband is making me wait. He does not understand it's been too long already. I cannot get these years back. I want to live. The pain is all around me here.
Thank you for taking the time to tell me your experiences.. the photo's are an important pain. Mine are put up too. (hugs) to you grandmama.. thank you

nana, I feel the same way, have the same concern. I have always been the type to help the elderly, and thought by george my son would take care of me when I was needing him. I had him late in life, not suppose to have any children at all, so I was sure God sent him to take care of us in our old age. Now look! We have nothing. I sure hope God sends someone to us too when the time comes. May He remember the times I've given of myself and now my own son is not there for us. This past year we could have used him a lot since my husband was hurt and just everything happened, our roof started leaking, the grass needed mowed, the truck broke down, you name it! My son could have been a big blessing to us, and us inreturn would have blessed him. What a loss... How sad for us.
Hugs to you nana

Nana58, I've had these same kinds of conversations with people and felt the same frustrations that they just did not get it and that I could not make them see that no, they are not going to be there when we need them. I feel your pain, exactly!! Maybe we are going to have to look after each other!!!

And worse yet, how will any of us be able to trust our EC to take care of us when we are at their mercy in our old age after the way they have treated us now? My DH and I moved back to our home town from out of state earlier this year, to live with my elderly parents in their own house while we live in their basement apartment to keep them out of the nursing home and do all things like fixing the roof and mow the yard, etc for them, so every day 24/7 as I watch and help and care for and often protect them now from things they can't even see are dangers to them, I ask myself also who is going to care for me and DH like this? And even if by some miracle God brings us reconciliation with our EC's, how will I ever trust them again enough to turn myself over to them in my old age? Right now I am planning ways to protect myself "from" them when that day comes!!

Most of all, I just pin my hopes on the Lord coming back before that day comes. But the DH and I are 59 and running out of time....Lord come soon for all of us poor rejected and discarded parents here in this discussion group, Amen!

Lord forbid that our kids would make judgement calls on us in our old age!!!!! Lord have mercy!!!! Or worse, what if the DIL or SIL have something to do with our care!!! Oh no!!! That is a horrible thought! Please Lord send us a kind sympathetic person in our time of need.. dont leave us at our cold hearted children's choosing! Shoot, our kids probably wont come around then anyway, what am I worried about!

Paws4it, just now read your post and all I can say is I am so sorry to hear that your DH is not on board yet to the move you feel you need at this time. I think we all need to pray for you...how would you like us to pray in regard to the needs of this problem you have?

Oh thank you! Please pray God opens a door for me to move, soon.. in Jesus name! Amen!
(hugs) lostall3!!!

Will do, Paws4it!

Thank you so much!

I don't think it sounds silly at all. My dog is such a blessing to me… I find such comfort in cuddling with my dog… Having someone to love and love me back… it's a good thing for sure.

hugs back paws