I have been where you are, not wanting to be here., unable to cope with the hurt, anger, heart wrenching anguish of knowing a loved one doesn't want me in their life. Many times I have cried out to the Lord but I remembered He said He would never leave me or forsake me. When it's all said and He is all we have. I just cling to Him and His Promises. A quiet calm comes when you remember He is with us every step of the way. Cling to Him and He will bring you through. My precious sister in Christ, you have the victory! Claim it!

I completely understand your feelings. All the psch BS really doesn't help. We are simply in a state of perpetual grief and pain. Please listen to me when I say this.....YOU ARE SLEEP DEPRIVED!!!! When you go thru trauma and don't get your sleep, it is unbearable. You need to focus on getting some sleep and I promise you....you will be able to handle this. Focus on sleep. Call your doctor. Take Magnesium at bedtime. Don't drink alcohol. Pray. Meditate. Maybe sleeping pills for awhile but please try to get some good sleep. You will be able to handle this easier. When I go to bed at night, I feel frantic and it does interupt my sleep. I force myself to pray to God and name all of the things that I am thankful for. That's what helps me sleep. I hope I have helped you in some small way. I will pray for you. You are not weak. You are a loving mom.

oldandbroken.....I too, and many others here, have been where you are now, had the very same thoughts and feelings that you do now. My lowest point came when I was sitting on the doctors table and he wanted me to have a colonoscopy. I said "no." He asked "Why?" I hung my head down and stared at my feet. I could not answer him because I knew he would not like my answer. My answer would have been, "Because I hope I get it so that I will die soon and I won't have to kill myself." From there, things could only get better. There was no such thing as getting worse. The ONLY thing that kept me from committing suicide was something I had read once that said... "if a person willfully and rationally decides that they, not God, have control of their own life and death, then that would seem to be the ultimate rejection and idolatry--making one's self god." I knew that only God had the right to decide when a life would end.

Since that time a few years ago, I have come to realize that even saints like Moses, Elijah, and Jonah went through periods of extreme depression and, yes, suicidal thoughts! (Check out Numbers 11:10-15, 1 Kings 19:1-5, and Jonah 4:9).

The prophet Isaiah had some down times, too. He wrote: "[God] gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint" (Isaiah 40:29-31)." This is now one of my most favorite verses in scripture.

Down times (even occasional thoughts of ending it all) are normal ingredients in life. It may take some time to get over the feelings of hurt and disappointment of estrangement, and that's tough because we live in an "instant" society: instant drinks, microwave popcorn, and fast food. Sometimes we think our emotional state should change in thirty seconds or less.

Even some churches offer instant recipes: "Just pray about it and all your problems will instantly disappear." But none of these instant cures work.

It's true that the only one who can help us endure and overcome bad times is God. He is powerful and able. But He isn't a vending machine or a magic wand that will just "make it all better." He is there to go through our low times with us, not to make the low times disappear.

Just try to make it through the next week, or the next day, or even the next hour. Just consider this - Suicide is a permanent "solution" to what may very well be a temporary problem.

Hang in there with us and we will hang in there with you! (((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

I think I can help you or I would like to try. I really feel your pain. I do not do chat rooms. This is the first time ever. If you would like to talk with me on the phone, please email colleensmithhomes@hotmail.com. I will then give you my number. I have never done this before but just feel a strong urge to reach you. Colleen

I am new to this site so if I am doing anything wrong, I apologize

I agree with Colleen about sleep.

At various times I have taken Tylenol PM, melatonin, and am now having success with a calcium magnesium zinc supplement. Getting sleep has made all the difference in the world for me. I am also taking B complex vitamins and they have helped

And please understand, you really aren't weak. You are still actively grieving and that we all understand. You are also actively dealing with an emotional body blow most people can't even comprehend. All of your thoughts are normal so don't make yourself feel any worse about what is happening by thinking what you are thinking is abnormal or wrong.

The only thing that is abnormal is how your D is acting and what she has done to you, Your D is seriously ill and unfortunately you can't do anything about it. Not many people can face that fact so by doing so, you actually are one step stronger than most.

Take care.

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Dear dear "Old and Broken" I weep with you. Today in fact, I have been weeping a great deal for my little granddaughter and half my family that I have been bereaved of (without losing them to death). It is inexplicable, cruel, heartless, meaningless. I have no answers for you. All I can do is to send you my love and pray with you and for you with the blessed promise that "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning" from the Bible I know not where - and realize that God IS going to hear our heart's cries and come and deliver us from this awful pain and bring us joy again. Those empty spaces in our hearts will be filled again, this time to overflowing. I know that God will hear us. He is a God of miracles and love and none of this is of God but reflects simply, human love (which fails) and not God's love at all.
Sending you my love and tears and hugs and prayers. Never, ever, ever give up. God will not fail us.

Mom2guel - thank you for what you wrote - I have copied it and am going to send it to a friend of mine who is suicidal - his mother committed suicide and as a result whenever he faces any pain in his life, the first thing he thinks of is taking his own life. Sorry that is not the subject here, I just wanted you to know your words will be very useful. Thank you.

Thanks Ishall.....Those valleys are almost hard to bear sometimes but it is while IN those valleys that we grow the most. Ya can't get to the mountaintops without starting in the valley first.....which reminds me of that poem that meant so much to me when I first read it when someone posted it a while back.

Think I'll post it now....:-)

Thank you so much O and B , for your post and all the wonderful support given after! I have experienced the same feeling only too proud to have shared them. as you have with us. You/we are not alone in our painful feelings.
Mom 2 Gruel, your words were like a salve to my aching spirit! Thank you and God bless, I feel a little less alone and lost today.

oldandbroken, God bless you. We care about you and remember you in prayer. Please do not let your ED do this to you. Nothing or no one is worth it. You are loved and you are chosen. You are a child of the King. Life is a gift and we do not get to choose the hand that we are dealt. Please cling on to Jesus. He will not fail you.

I am so sorry for your pain. I have felt such a burden to be gone. For the pain to leave me, physical and emotional. When it didn't and it went on year after year, it only took one push for me to be despondent. I understand what you said about counselors and if I was one that suggested it, it was meant in kindness and support. The thing I have found with needing a private counselor is that it is completely unattached opinion and support. They are not family. They are not friends. They are just human as you say but they are safe. You can share your heart and feel safe. Its important when you are in such pain to vent. You must let the words out. If your counselor doesn't get it or help, its the wrong one. I see a specialist to deal with the struggle with lifelong pain. The first thing I asked her was tell me of your pain. I had no intention of pouring my soul out to someone who didn't get it. So I don't say it to you flippantly, just out of concern. I told you before we can talk if you need. Just leave me a message. As Colleen said, it is not the norm but as the chat function is gone from here, sometimes it does seem someone stands out that you do need to offer that special friendship. So I am here. I will be praying for you. You are heavy on my heart tonite.

oldandbroken, it would be a mistake, because when a family member commits suicide, statistically the C or GC down the line are more likely to commit suicide. To set that up as a family legacy would be regrettable to you eternally, you'd suffer much MORE IF you took your life b/c of the consequences and suffering it will cause your D. If she does have mental illness, and is into drugs, would this help her or hurt her? Would she have guilt now or later that would haunt her and negatively impact her due to her M committing suicide?

When I ask God what purpose I could possibly have anymore, why can't I come Home??? I know that I have to be here if my EK's ever want to wander back to their mom, tired and broken herself. A mom's love is irreplacable, who could ever love her and forgive your D like you? (except God of course) For you to live on is the ultimate sign of unconditional love which bears and endures all, by the grace of God, not by human talents or skills. Your life will be a testimony of love and sacrifice to her someday, trust me.

I must ask, you work for a psychiatrist and he is not prescribing for you sleeping medication??? I'm floored by that. Go to the urgent care clinic, and ask for sleeping med!! if this "DOCTOR" is letting you exist on 2 hours sleep and not helping you !!!

My moods change, moods and feelings are not accurate for foretelling the future. They lie, in fact. Satan uses moods and feelings to entice us into destruction, don't listen to them.
Pray, and ask God to help you ignore these hopeless feelings, get you through this time of suffering, give you what you need to get thru the next minute, hour, day, week, and on. Ask Him to give you hope and show you some glimpses of why you need to rough it out--there is good ahead that you could never know.
Counter these moods with scripture!

The doctor has prescribed several meds, including for sleep.