CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

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poodlegirl61 03/30/2015

So this upcoming Saturday we are/were planning on going up to see the new grand baby in another state. My son, who has not responded to a single text of mine in over a year, FINALLY responded to me on Friday night. I sent a text which read, "We are still coming up on April 4, if that's ok" and he texted back , "Sounds good". Then the next day, DIL face booked me a picture of my older grand baby giving the new one a bottle, and I responded how sweet that was, and she gave the thumbs up sign. So I thought, maybe, just maybe this will all be ok after all. Then this morning I woke up to a hateful Facebook message from her (or him, who knows?) saying she didn't want us coming up there because 1. She found out I am Facebook friends with one of her "enemies" and 2. Too much time has elapsed and since we haven't come before, now it is too late, and we never loved those kids anyway! The thing is, I told her right after he was born (January) it would be early spring before we could come, due to my husbands traveling schedule and the crazy weather. She said that was fine! Suddenly now it is "too late"! And she also said that their marriage is perfect now that we aren't "in the picture" and she doesn't want my drama. Again, when were we ever "in the picture?" To say I am upset would be putting in mildly. My anxieties had been through the roof anyway, over going, but I had lately gotten some peace, thinking maybe it would be ok after all. And now this. My husband thinks we should just go on up there, and set the easter baskets on the porch, and drive away. That way they can't say we didn't try.

lindajoan 03/30/2015

O Poodle. How discouraging! The first thing that comes to mind is Pray. The second thing is that you should ask your ES what he wants you to do. Do not speak against DIL but check in and let him know you are looking forward to coming and see what he says. The third option is to go up anyway as if nothing ever happened but be sure to ring the bell. God bless you.

PS. Do you have to be on FB?

poodlegirl61 03/30/2015

Thank you, lindajoan. Yes, I have prayed and am clinging to the promises in Phiippians 4:6. And the reason I was on Facebook is that is how I could see pictures of the grandchildren. But now she has completely blocked me so that is a moot point.

lindajoan 03/30/2015

Can you talk with your ES?

agrandmothersheart 03/30/2015

Poodlegirl, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I have taken my daughter, and most of my own family off my Facebook and it is much more peaceful this way. It was not an easy decision, but I got tired of seeing things I didn't want to see. It has actually helped me a great deal, and my relationship with my daughter is being repaired. Facebook is not reality. Face to face is reality.

Not sure how I'd handle the trip. Maybe as the others suggested, get your son's input?

barbyzhere 03/30/2015

I'm so sorry Poodle for the situation you find yourself in. Just a couple of thoughts: this weekend is so special to us as believers. I'm really trying hard to focus on that and not on family issues. I agree with the advice to contact your son and find out if he is in agreement with your DIL. If he is, are you able to accept that and give your Easter celebration over to someone else who loves you and wants your company?
I deactivated my Facebook account a couple of months ago. When I want to check for photos I'll go on late at night and then deactivate again. Actually, it's a long time in between postings of new photos so I'm not missing out on much. I have much more time to read, and do the other things I could have been doing instead of wasting my time on there, which I did too much of. It kind of sucks you in. It's extremely easy to deactivate and reactivate a Facebook account. At least that's one thing you can control. :)

Sommersmom 03/30/2015

Poodlegirl, your DIL needs much prayer for her attitude toward you.. There is no doubt, she couldn't be more obvious if she threw a brick. She's jealous of you, and your ES is probably scared to death of her.

deleted_user 03/30/2015

Dear poodlegirl, I am so, so sorry this has happened. People have talked about narcissism on this site. Narcissists, which is what your DIL sounds like, are extraordinarily difficult to get along with, because in their minds and hearts, everything is about them. So there is no way you can ever win!! And once they decide you are against them, there is nothing you can do that will change their minds. It is a terrible mental illness, a terrible personality disorder, that is very difficult to treat, and it affects all of the person's relationships. I think narcissists aren't really capable of having relationships, real relationships. But I have to say, it turned out my ES wasn't some innocent victim of my DIL, he has his own problems with me. I have to give him credit that he shared them with me, but he is no more willing to listen or hear than my DIL is. I believe that what my ES does is ultimately on him. He would love to bear no responsibility for anything, and sit back and just do whatever his wife, my DIL, tells him to do, but the fact that he'll DO whatever she tells him to do, is on him. He is NOT all sweet and innocent. Anyway, I am just so, so sorry that your DIL is taking the route of using your wanting to come see your grandchildren, which you were doing with great trepidation, and were doing PURELY OUT OF LOVE, that DIL is using that to make it all about her, and your ES is going along with her. It hurts so much, I know. May God grant your peace.

poodlegirl61 03/31/2015

Well I thought I would update you guys. Last night my husband texted our ES to tell him what his wife had said to me, (even though we are 100% certain he helped her write it) and he told ES that in light of that, he didn't feel we should come, unless we heard otherwise from HIM. Well our ES did not respond. So his silence spoke volumes. We will not be going now of course. I have since blocked her from Facebook, as I do not think I can bear any more harassment and I am also blocking her number on my cellphone. Even though she has currently blocked me, she has done this sort of thing in the past, only to "unblock" me at some later date so she can harass me some more. This morning I was a wreck and my oldest son, who is a physical therapist, took one look at me and immediately took my vitals and while my blood pressure was ok, my heart rate was through the roof. This ongoing roller coaster of emotion is clearly not good for my health, and I have far too many good things in my life to focus on this. So I just wanted you guys to know what was going on. I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers during this horrible time. I have two grandchildren who I guess I will never know, but I also have two dear little ones here I get to see every day, and a third one who is due the end of April, so I have a lot to be thankful for.

barbyzhere 03/31/2015

Hi Poodle, I'm happy to hear you've made a decision. Even though it must have been very hard, just making a decision helps, I think, to ease the inner turmoil. Healthy boundaries are good for us, but it takes us a long time to get there. A mother's heart always beats for her children. You're wise to focus on the wee little blessings in your life who love you. A few short weeks and you'll have another!

lindajoan 03/31/2015

It is good that your DH and you came to the same decision. It was important, I think, to see where your ES stood at this time. One day, he will realize how much he has lost out on and God willing, want to reconcile and change his ways.

God bless you and DH. Good for you for not accepting verbal abuse on FB.

savedbyhim45 04/01/2015

Good decision , I don't think that the Lord would want you to become physically ill over this. He wants peace, joy, and happiness for you.

poodlegirl61 04/02/2015

Barbell, it does sound like our DILs are the same. I knew she was crazy all along, but the part I guess that has been so hard for me to accept is HOW ON EARTH did my son fall for someone like that and why is he letting her brainwash him like that? He was nothing like this growing up. He was so sweet, and respectful and family meant everything to him. He used to tell me the type of woman he would marry someday, and how she would be Godly, etc. And even though she is a narcissist and just a generally hateful evil person, my son could call me from his office when she isn't' around. She can't be with him 24 hours a day. He is choosing to ignore us. He isn't innocent. He has become as evil as she is. And another thing that just baffles me is how they can put on an act to other people, and make us look like the bad guys. I know I shouldn't care what other people think, and I am honestly getting to that point where it doesn't bother me, but it still just amazes me.

lindajoan 04/02/2015

There are some difficult DILs. Sadly though, poodle is right. Sons have the responsibility to take the right stand. Parents should not be ignored and treated poorly. This is not God's way.

MissPeggy 04/02/2015

Poodlegirl, I have had to deal with this on a different level. My wonderful brother treated my mom and dad this way too. He was such a loving and giving son/brother. Then he married this woman who completely turned him around. This went on for 36 years until he was diagnose with pancreatic cancer. It wasn't until then that he didn't allow her to dominate and rule his heart. He was heartsick that HE had allowed himself to become this person..During his last months of his life he became the son/brother we knew and loved. She even said at his funeral she had lost him and he didn't belong to her anymore.

My dad is 88 years old and still asks me over and over how could a strong man allow a woman to
manipulate his heart for all those years. Even though my brother apologized for a life time of pain to my dad
he has never fully recovered from it.

I loved my brother dearly and have tried to blame my sister-in-law for everything! But the Lord has shown me that my brother could have spoken up for his mom and dad and his sister too. That is the part that breaks our heart the most

Don't allow it to affect your heart! Keep praying for them!!

agrandmothersheart 04/02/2015

I clean houses for a living. Today I was in the home of a young family, and cleaned an area in preparation for the visit of "father-in-law". As I was cleaning, I was thinking of this thread.

When a man and woman marry, their primary responsibility and duty is now to their spouse. Although it hurts, their spouse, and their marriage are now more important that the relationship with parents. The two become one, whether we like it or not.

I'm not trying to be harsh here, but if a man loves his wife, he is going to side with her... he should side with her. It is not a competition.

I'm not typing this to try to make anyone feel badly, I do understand the pain. I am still estranged from my son and his 3 children, and only just reunited with my daughter recently. I get it.

I recall when I married the first time when I was 19 years old. My mother-in-law told me I had come between her and her son. I thought.... um... what about "a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife"?

Although it hurts, it is right and good that your sons do what they need to do to keep their marriages together. You should honour and respect them for that. If you try to come between them one of two things will happen. Either you will be shut out, or you will help to cause a divorce.

This was difficult to type... I've been thinking it through for a couple of days now. And I don't tend to re-read before hitting submit so I hope it's worded correctly.

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