CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

561 Members

3,756 Posts

0 Online

poodlegirl61 05/01/2016

Most of you know my sad story and how my ES and DIL sent those terrible emails in January. The first one was from my son to my husband saying he and only he could be allowed to come to Arkansas to see the children. Mind you, none of us has ever seen the youngest one. I told my husband he had my blessing to go if it would bring peace. My husband refused, saying he would never go without me, but responded with a "love you son, but I wish things were different. love dad" and so forth. The next day, I received an email, this time from DIL saying she was angry because I had sent a Christmas card in December, and how dare I do that, I would be sorry, etc. etc. She said NO CONTACT meant no contact of ANY KIND and to STOP! She also said a bunch of other things, calling me a lowlife loser, and that she knew what my husband was really doing on his business trips and at his apartment in Dallas (insinuating he was cheating). I showed my husband and we just deleted it and never responded. After all, we were told no contact. Flash forward.... about a month ago mutual friends on Facebook told us they saw where they are expecting baby #3. We swallowed the news knowing full well that was yet another grandchild we would never get to see. Then this past week there have been horrible storms and tornadoes here in Texas, particularly in the town where my mother (ES's grandmother) lives. Well glory be! He actually called his grandmother to check on her, and in the course of the convo he told her about the new expected baby, and said it is a boy (how on Earth can they tell already?) and they bought a new house and so on. My mom asked him why he won't call his own mother and she said he hemmed and hawed and really mumbled something about "hard feelings" and she said to him that life is short and he only has one mother and that I love him, and am hurt, and to stop being so childish and he made her promise to call me! Well this morning my husband had an email from him asking for my phone number because he had lost it, and he "promised Mamoo" he would call me so he would. Well he hasn't yet, but maybe he will? And really, what to make of this? I don't want him calling just because "Mamoo" told him to, I want him to call because he wants to. But whatever it takes, right? And also, do I pretend nothing ever happened? I mean there were horrible things said. I am a basket case.

poodlegirl61 05/01/2016

I just reread what I typed and I meant to say my MOM asked my SON to please call me, not other way around. Sorry if it was confusing. Told you I was a basket case.

edr1961 05/01/2016

I can understand your feeling,maybe it just takes someone else to open their eyes,going through something like you are and its very nerve wrecking,scary i am worried about my emotional state,and if they did it once they can do it again.Everyone here tells me go slow my friend, and i wish you the very best.

barbyzhere 05/01/2016

I feel for you poodle girl. I'll be praying for wisdom for you. As edr said, perhaps it's wise to take it slow and not get your hopes up too quickly. EC can twist us around really well.

Sommersmom 05/01/2016

poodle, I think your mothers words will stay in your son's mind for a very long time. Even if he doesn't call you now, maybe a little further down the road when he isn't able to shake his grandmothers advise about how life is short.
I remember when your ES said your husband could come visit the grandchildren without you, and he refused. I was so happy for you. Your husband did the right thing by standing by you, and representing you as a united front, and offering you his respect.
My ES allows my ex-husband to see the GC, and he takes complete advantage of the opportunity. He would never be a kind enough human being to suggest our daughter be fair minded, and to stop being selfish. Afterall, the apple didn't fall far from the tree. She learned her selfishness and godlessness from him early in her life.

dmw56 05/01/2016

I would be a basket case too, we don't trust them. And,I think it will be very difficult to act as if nothing has happened, but if you can have a very light hearted conversation it may set the stage for other conversations in the future. Praying for you, that if your ES calls that you will speak only healing words and God will protect your heart from any disappointment. I am so proud of your Mom for saying those things to your es! God bless those who speak up for what is right.

Norske1 05/01/2016

My son was estranged for 7 years. When my husband was diagnosed with cancer and having surgery to remove the kidney, I felt strong to text him. He responded with "can I call you?" "Yes".

He came down to the hospital and I was standing at the elevator when he walked out. He came over and hugged me and also his brother. Then he sat with us all day and when Al came out of surgery, his estranged son was there.

So for 5 months my husband got to spend time with his son, DIL and GD, who we had never met. It was such a blessing. When my husband passed away, my DIL told me ES would always regret the time lost with his father that he can never get back.

I do believe your mother's words will stay with your ES. She gave him some good advice.

When he calls, let him do the talking, to start the conversation. Maybe if it goes well, you could suggest meeting for coffee or a DQ. When we got together, we would talk about things when the boys were growing up, staying away from the estrangement cause.

It has been 16 months since my husband died and my ES and his family and me, my other son and cousins are all trying to reconnect with no looking back.

According to the bible we are to love God first, our spouse second, and our children third. I am trying to let my ES know that his first responsibility is to his family but that the rest of his family (including me) are very important as well.
"

poodlegirl61 05/01/2016

Big sigh....well he did call, about an hour ago, but I was in the shower and missed it. But now I have his correct number in my phone so I immediately called him back, but no answer. So I texted him that I was sorry to have missed his call, but I was in the shower! Surely he will call back? I had sat here all day with the phone beside me and wouldn't you know it the minute I hopped in the shower he called? But I did call back and I did text and now at least I know for certain this is the correct number.

lindajoan 05/01/2016

This is truly a breakthrough. God works in mysterious ways. Who would have thought it would take a storm? Your mother is a woman of wisdom. May I ask her age? My mother was a very wise Godly woman. She went to be with the Lord last year. She and her wisdom is missed.

If your son calls I think he will do the talking which means you can do the listening. Taking things one step at a time is best. The Lord will guide you each step of the way. Pray in advance. Do not be anxious.

As far as discussing the past each estrangement is somewhat different. With our ED we would have to discuss certain things because of false accusations that she made. We hope one day our ED will have a repentant heart. Then we can move forward. This is our prayer.

poodlegirl61 05/01/2016

Things did not go well. LIndajoan, my mom is 91. Well it is a long story, but I got a text but it was from my DIL. Apparently the call was from her phone because my son doesn't want me to have his number. She said he had sent me an email so to check it. I did. It went something like this....he was only contacting me because Mamoo said to. He said I am a toxic person to him and his family because I am Facebook friends with his wife's enemies!!!! That is what he said! I could scarcely believe it. I mean they had said that before, but it was so ridiculous I never believed it. So I told him if that was really and truly all that was bothering him then I would defriend them immediately. And I did. Well then he sent a second email, and in this one he listed several demands and if we conceded to each one, then and only then would reconciliation take place. He said we were never to question his wife about all the horrible things she had said and done, we were never to expect apologies, we were to invite them immediately to all holiday events, we were to welcome them with open arms to the family lake home for one-two week vacations each summer....the list went on and on about what WE were to do. Also he said the other siblings must comply and accept her as well. Remember, not long ago his wife was telling me I was a lowlife loser whose husband was cheating on me. She has done countless things and never once apologized. Truthfully, I am afraid of her. But we are to turn a blind eye. This is the thing....I am willing to try, but to take it slow and easy. Baby steps. But it has to be all or nothing. Anything less is unacceptable. I was so hoping he would be humble and kind, but instead he was arrogant and haughty and making demands. In other words, wanting us to be doormats for them. He says she has changed and now is this wonderful person. I want to believe that so badly!!! But if she had truly changed don't you think she would have reached out to me, or said sorry I said you were a lowlife loser? Or something?

feellinghelpless 05/01/2016

First do you know if the e-mail was from your son or DIL pretending to be son. I would respond that would like to meet in person.

poodlegirl61 05/01/2016

Yes, I do think it was him. He is a lawyer and the verbiage is him to a t. His wife doesn't write like that. This was laid out like bullet 1, bullet 2, and so forth. And it ended with in summation....it was him alright.

Norske1 05/01/2016

I would not respond right away, or would respond saying that his text was a lot to absorb and you need time to think about it. As a lawyer, remind him about mediation - each party gives a little.

I will pray for you and your family. Have you thought about asking DIL to meet in person to visit? Then you can tell if she is sincere and has changed. My DIL has changed, and for the good, but she has never apologized for her actions.

poodlegirl61 05/01/2016

Well, you hit the nail on the head. We responded exactly like what you said. That it was a lot to digest and we would think on things. As for the DIL...well they live in another state, 6 hours away, and she has a 2 year old, and a 1 year old, and is currently pregnant again. So that would be hard. And she has severe mental problems. The things she has been diagnosed with are bipolar disorder, borderline personality, menstrual dysmorphic disorder, and histrionic personality. I also think she is a narcissist personality disorder but that has not been professionally diagnosed. So she is mentally ill. At various times she has heard voices, she has left the children alone in the cribs and left the house to shop, done all sorts of things, but my son just doesn't care and covers for her. I think she may be a sociopath as well. He has also said before that she has changed, only to no avail. I want more than anything to think she has suddenly turned normal! It is what I pray for, but I am seriously scared to death of her. And I have been around her enough to see that she is capable of pulling herself together for a few hours to "seem" ok. One time she was here for two nights and all seemed well, but by the third night she lost it and freaked out and began screaming and made our son take her to a hotel to get "away from us horrible people". The reason? We had less than a half gallon of milk in the fridge. She later said that is what set her off.

lindajoan 05/01/2016

It is so difficult when there are mental problems. Our ED has them also. It is concerning that your ES does not want to discuss any of the past but he may realize his wife would not be willing. Pray and see how you and your DH feel about your ES's list and how you both believe is right.

Our ED would be one to want to move forward without any accountability but DH and I need pray
for her to have a repentant heart due to lies and false accusations that were told. God bless you with the wisdom of God.

poodlegirl61 05/02/2016

Yes Lindajoan, that is it exactly. We would most definitely be willing to forgive and move forward, and even accept her, if only there would be the slightest hint of repentance and some humbling. I was so shocked at what he said about all the trouble being me friending those people on Facebook! So childish and ridiculous, but I defriended them immediately, like that said to, even though I felt it was foolish. But then came more demands. And they were so haughty. He said his wife had not done a single thing wrong since 2012, so I gently reminded him in January she sent that terrible email to me. He became irate then, and he called me a loser as well, and said I deserved that email in the first place. But he had just said she had not done anything, then admitted she did. It just goes round and round in circles. They also accused us of not being Christians, which is another theme they use quite often. I did sleep well at all last night and I feel just sick now.

Join the Conversation