CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Why do I keep trying?
Anyway. I'm really struggling with whether or not to tell EF that I am pregnant. As part of my brainstorming I have drafted up a letter I *might* send him if I decide to tell him. Please be honest with me, but also gentle. This is written from a really broken, but really well meaning heart. I really want him to be a father and grandfather, but literally cannot tolerate another day of how he treats me (which, to recap, he believes there is nothing wrong with how he treats me.)
(EF) and (Partner),
(Hubby) and I are thrilled to be expecting our first child.
(EF) it would be nice to have you as an involved father and thus grandfather. Until that time comes, if it ever comes, please respect that I find your current approach very damaging, and am acting in the best interests of my health and that of my child and family. I cannot in good conscience jeopardise my pregnancy, expose my child to your behaviour, nor demonstrate to my child that it is ok to be treated the way you treat me.
Please note that I have CC’d some family into this mail. I would like them, and everyone including you, to know that I would love to have you as a loving father and grandfather and am always open to that. Also, if anyone has a concern with how I am choosing to handle this situation, I would like them to have the opportunity to raise it with me directly. I am very open to suggestions on resolving an awful situation.
Regards,
(Hubby) and (NCEC)
Anyway. I'm really struggling with whether or not to tell EF that I am pregnant. As part of my brainstorming I have drafted up a letter I *might* send him if I decide to tell him. Please be honest with me, but also gentle. This is written from a really broken, but really well meaning heart. I really want him to be a father and grandfather, but literally cannot tolerate another day of how he treats me (which, to recap, he believes there is nothing wrong with how he treats me.)
(EF) and (Partner),
(Hubby) and I are thrilled to be expecting our first child.
(EF) it would be nice to have you as an involved father and thus grandfather. Until that time comes, if it ever comes, please respect that I find your current approach very damaging, and am acting in the best interests of my health and that of my child and family. I cannot in good conscience jeopardise my pregnancy, expose my child to your behaviour, nor demonstrate to my child that it is ok to be treated the way you treat me.
Please note that I have CC’d some family into this mail. I would like them, and everyone including you, to know that I would love to have you as a loving father and grandfather and am always open to that. Also, if anyone has a concern with how I am choosing to handle this situation, I would like them to have the opportunity to raise it with me directly. I am very open to suggestions on resolving an awful situation.
Regards,
(Hubby) and (NCEC)
DaJaper I dont think I was necessarily patient or mature, I was absolutely bawling and literally frozen. He hhad many times told me off for ending a call when I felt uncomfortable, I knew I wouldnt skype him again, and I was just completely broken. I was like a scared little child that didnt know what to do that wouldnt make him more mad.
Sosadmom, my thinking on copying a few key ppl in is that I am fed up with him running around behind my back bad mouthing me to family on his continent. II want to give him nowhere to go with some victim story fabricated about me not letting him be involved etc. I have never included others before, this would be a first. Basically, something has to change for his treatment of me to change. I thought being totally transparent in my communications with him could be one way.
My pastor was so kind. I have been thinking my hope and repeated attempts were my stupidity and needed to be quashed. That my lesson was to stop caring and enabling the situation. I have clearly found that unsustainable. He suggested that hope is a sign of Godly love and a fine thing to have. That I instead need to learn there are different ways of expressing love. In this case, prayer and boundaries. Listen to Gods requests, not EF's requests. Also, to let my husband protect me. 'It is good for a husband to protect his wife, and it is good for her to let him' he said. That man and wife are one in marraige and there is nothing wrong with all communication going through my lovely hubby at this point in time. So that is what we will do. I feel much less isolated and vulnerable and much happier following Pastors insights. I am so blessed to be surounded by such great people.
Thanks again.
When I wrote the original post Hubby and I set the boundary with EF that he could contact us via Hubby's email. We would not read or respond anymore to emails directly to me. He comprehended the request, and stated that he declined to use hubby's email, so no contact since. He also stated that he would no longer have any contact with me unless I went through his mother or father. He continues to pass weekly messages through his elderly father about how he's my 'daddy' and how much he loves and wants a relationship with me.
In the case of sharing about our pregnancy, we felt (and his mother and father agreed) that it was inappropriate to pass messages through them, and that the 'right thing' was to tell EF ourselves.
A few days ago we wrote, from hubby's email account:
<EF> and <Wife>, just wanted to let you know we are expecting our first child in December.
Regards,
<Hubby> and <NCEC>
He waited a day and then wrote back to my account, not hubby's account:
<NCEC> and <hubby?
We are so happy for you both. God's blessings on you.
<EFnWifey>
(signoff is a pet name he uses for him and his wife, think like 'brangelina'. He usually signs off 'Dad'.
I have my own thoughts and feelings on this but before I inject my bias into things...I am interested in your thoughts? Estranged parent perspective?
God bless you,DH, and baby.