CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Why do I keep trying?
Anyway. I'm really struggling with whether or not to tell EF that I am pregnant. As part of my brainstorming I have drafted up a letter I *might* send him if I decide to tell him. Please be honest with me, but also gentle. This is written from a really broken, but really well meaning heart. I really want him to be a father and grandfather, but literally cannot tolerate another day of how he treats me (which, to recap, he believes there is nothing wrong with how he treats me.)
(EF) and (Partner),
(Hubby) and I are thrilled to be expecting our first child.
(EF) it would be nice to have you as an involved father and thus grandfather. Until that time comes, if it ever comes, please respect that I find your current approach very damaging, and am acting in the best interests of my health and that of my child and family. I cannot in good conscience jeopardise my pregnancy, expose my child to your behaviour, nor demonstrate to my child that it is ok to be treated the way you treat me.
Please note that I have CC’d some family into this mail. I would like them, and everyone including you, to know that I would love to have you as a loving father and grandfather and am always open to that. Also, if anyone has a concern with how I am choosing to handle this situation, I would like them to have the opportunity to raise it with me directly. I am very open to suggestions on resolving an awful situation.
Regards,
(Hubby) and (NCEC)
Anyway. I'm really struggling with whether or not to tell EF that I am pregnant. As part of my brainstorming I have drafted up a letter I *might* send him if I decide to tell him. Please be honest with me, but also gentle. This is written from a really broken, but really well meaning heart. I really want him to be a father and grandfather, but literally cannot tolerate another day of how he treats me (which, to recap, he believes there is nothing wrong with how he treats me.)
(EF) and (Partner),
(Hubby) and I are thrilled to be expecting our first child.
(EF) it would be nice to have you as an involved father and thus grandfather. Until that time comes, if it ever comes, please respect that I find your current approach very damaging, and am acting in the best interests of my health and that of my child and family. I cannot in good conscience jeopardise my pregnancy, expose my child to your behaviour, nor demonstrate to my child that it is ok to be treated the way you treat me.
Please note that I have CC’d some family into this mail. I would like them, and everyone including you, to know that I would love to have you as a loving father and grandfather and am always open to that. Also, if anyone has a concern with how I am choosing to handle this situation, I would like them to have the opportunity to raise it with me directly. I am very open to suggestions on resolving an awful situation.
Regards,
(Hubby) and (NCEC)
be receptive to being a good father and gf.
If I got the letter like that...I would just tell you to do whatever you need to do with your conscience...that I would not be the scapegoat (or take the blame) for anything that MIGHT go wrong with or jeopardise your pregnancy...your health...your child...your family.
It would not work for me to get that letter....sorry but you asked...and like you said you can not tolerate another day.
It appears to be a no win situation for all concerned
AllK
No one said that he and my daughter could not be alike just because of the age difference LOL
He is overseas...write letters send pics...hope for the best ...cut your email and skype to zero and even facebook to bare mimimum...tell him you had to cut off your internet to save for the baby LOL
Old fashioned letters still work and you can even send photos if you wish...but unless you all take a trip (expensive) to see him with the baby (by the way congrats on your good news)...there probably will never be anything more than an internet relationship or long distance and mail.
You actually sound and act like most of us moms/dads on here...just wishing our estranged ones would treat us with civility and respect and throw in some care and consideration occasionally ...
It does not look like it will happen with my daughter ...its going on 3 years of silence and I have 2 wonderful grandkids that got ripped away when grandson was 8 and grandaughter was 5...and boy did he (and hopefully still does deep inside) love his grammi and his horses...but ED does not care cause she is right...just like your dad....we cant change them but we dont have to accept abuse and when we (you) start writing letters "demanding" that the other change it just usually does not work out well and then by demanding we kind of become control freaks ourselves (possibly abuse ?)
It just might be time for you to find a substitute 'grandparent" figure or figures...and focus on just what you stated your priorities are.
Blessings the journey is rough.
AllK
(IF) and (Partner),
(Hubby) and I are thrilled to be expecting our first child.
Regards
(NCEC)
Surely theres nothing in that anybody could be offended by/call disrespectful? Following that I dont want to let myself be drawn into any kind of conversation with him because I know how he ends up treating me. I feel damned if I do and damned if I dont no matter whether I tell him or not.
On a sidenote - AllK - hypothetically my response to your hypothetical response to my email (!!!) - would be that I wouldnt have found it caring or respectful. Yet obviously, from how you explain it here, thats not the case at all for you - just as 'scapegoating' my EF never crossed my mind drafting that email. So Thankyou for your feedback. I find it is so much easier to see and recieve feedback when Im not taking it personally or emotionally involved....I want to believe that in a great deal of cases (not all) estrangement stories do not actually involve a villian, just two really hurting caring people clouded by grief....
Thankyou also LindaJ. Its just that I want to minimise all possibilities for a negative reaction. Can you imagine how gutting it would/will be to share news of pregnancy and wanting him to be a father/gf and have him say 'fine, stay away then if thats your concience!!!!? The fear of that rejection takes me right back to not wanting to tell him at all......oh dear....
Yes we all know that gut wrenching fear...only our rejection comes from our children...yours from your father
No matter it all feels the same I think...maybe worse with our children as we bore them and cared for them from conception forward.
I much prefer a quick simple email like you said or a sweet hallmark card...very simple...not much room for rejection or more problems with that route and no setting up "expectations" on either side.
Perfect...for now
AllK
I beg to differ somewhat with AIIK. I think that a letter or Email is appropriate given your pregnancy. By the way Congratulations. I would amend your draft by stating exact boundaries that you expect from your EF. For example instead of "expose my child to your behavior", I would put it to the positive. as in...." I expect that you will be as happy as we are and will act in a most loving and respectful way to us and your new grandchild. We would like you to be involved in our life. "
By putting it in the positive, You are not going to the past behavior, you are moving forward. If your EF cannot meet your positive attitude, there is nothing in the email or letter for him to fault you. And keep it simple.
These are my thoughts.
I wish you many blessings and much happiness with your pregnancy and child. I'm sure your husband will be a wonderful father and that is a gift!!
I am deeply sorry you are experiencing such a tumultuous relationship with your Father. My heart cries for your heartache and pain. If one of my 3 daughters would reach out to me I would just hug them, tell them I love them and begin building upon the fact they reached out.