CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
I recieved a phone call out of the blue last week and today I got an email from my ED. Before you get too excited I will copy and paste part of the email.
"I might be coming down to Virginia this week, not sure yet, (name cut) paying for gas and hotel, I was hoping if we do come down if you could leave the garage door unlocked so I can stop by to get my stuff from your basement since you'll be working? [sentence cut] I was hoping though you'd leave it unlocked for me to go in so I can say hi to the dogs too haven't seen them in forever."
The last time she wanted to stop by to get things she asked that I leave them on the porch. I have very little of hers here. When she up and left the townhouse I was renting to her I donated just about everything she had. What she claims she wants is her old American Girl dolls.
She has asked for an answer today.
I have tried to write a response but I am at a loss for words. She wants to come in to see the dogs???? For the record, there is no way I would leave my house unlocked for her to enter. I obviously don't know this child.
Any advice?
"I might be coming down to Virginia this week, not sure yet, (name cut) paying for gas and hotel, I was hoping if we do come down if you could leave the garage door unlocked so I can stop by to get my stuff from your basement since you'll be working? [sentence cut] I was hoping though you'd leave it unlocked for me to go in so I can say hi to the dogs too haven't seen them in forever."
The last time she wanted to stop by to get things she asked that I leave them on the porch. I have very little of hers here. When she up and left the townhouse I was renting to her I donated just about everything she had. What she claims she wants is her old American Girl dolls.
She has asked for an answer today.
I have tried to write a response but I am at a loss for words. She wants to come in to see the dogs???? For the record, there is no way I would leave my house unlocked for her to enter. I obviously don't know this child.
Any advice?
Please do not see it as my taking side with your ED against you, I am looking for the most peaceful way to keep things from getting any worse that what they are for you.
Of course seeing the dogs instead of you hurts but she is immature.
- if you have the tv- I don't see how it is any different than the dolls. You saved them because you knew she would someday want them, and you don't want ths mistake to cost her everything she once held precious. (Good mom quality btw), so I would think the same terms apply- she can pick up her belongings at YOUR conveniene. Hold that boundary, Mama!
- if you don't have the tv-I think what I would have to do is gently, very very prayerfully, tell her that when she failed to take responsibility for her own belongings, and that responsibility then fell to you, you had to make painful decisions, "But you are an adult and you told me to disose of your things, and so I did."
One thing I do not think I would do under either of these circumstances is buy her another. If she is suffering for lack, wishing she had some of the things back that she threw away, the last thing I believe you should do is 'ease' her consequences. Suffering our consequences makes us grow-up.
Seems to me like she, at least sometimes, ascribes motives to you, whether they are your real motives or not. She may take your 'gift' of the tv and turn it into an attempted bribe or something. I don't want to offend you or anyone else who has a different opinion, but that just does not feel right to me.I'd be very careful about that, plz don't be offended, but from what I have read, it seems to me like she sometimes 'twist' your motives- thinks you are 'bribing' her to come home. Since she has ascribed that to you before, I'd pray and listen carefully before doing something she could easily twist into trying to 'buy' her love, or whatever. She doesn't know your true motive for buying another tv, but she will assume your motive is whatever she wants to think it is.
Motives. As I read back over your posts, the thing that kept coming to my mind was "What is your ED's true motive?" Have you ever thought you were doing something for one motive, only much later to get honest with yourself and realize you had other motives, deeper motives, you wouldn't even admit to yourself? I wonder if your daughter has deeper motives than getting her things, and if so, what do you think those motives are? Could she be getting a feel for how you wil respond to her after all that has transpired between you? I just can't help but observe her timing- mother's day is coming up and you have been on her mind- a call out of the blue? And now an excuse to have continued conversations?
I don't know, of course, but it does make me wonder.
So now, I'm back to the confirmation plaque that you ran across the other day- Let the Spirit of the Lord lead you.
-Carolinamoon said" Is the relationship with your daughter not more important than a TV? To withhold it is only going to drive her further away because she is probably going to be VERY angry if you take the gift back. " And that is an excellent point- if the issue is really only about the TV. on the other hand, what if she does have motives she doesn't even admit to herself? What do you do with that? NO HUMAN PARENT can do this alone- only with the wisdom of the Holy Spirit can we even begin to handle these things well. Each situation is different and each child is different-God alone knows the best way to repond to this situation with this child.
Please know I am praying for you, and so sorry you are in this tug-o-war with your child!! Our Lord said that if we, as human fallible parents, know how to give good gifts to our children- how much more will He give the Holy Spirit to those who ask HIm.
She now lives 8 hours away and the cost to drive down and stay in a hotel seem to outweigh the benefits of a TV. (it isn't that nice) The idea she wanted to come here when I wasn't home suggests to me that she wants to "shop" here. Maybe see what other things she can find that she doesn't think I am using or would miss. She did ask me what else I had from the townhouse. Honestly, I donated almost everything. I brought home the consumables like paper towels, laundry detergent, shampoo and have been using them. I donated the food to a food bank and the furniture and household items to a local thrift shop. I did save a photo album and her yearbook. By the time I was done packing and cleaning I was mad. (also still very sad) I figured if there was something there that she wanted she should have taken it. It was so heartbreaking to pack up her things.
I am still toying with the idea of shipping her dolls and buying her a new TV. Then if she would have no other motivation to contact me other than really wanting to contact me.
There are no coincidences - God had her contact me since I had been thinking of her so much over the previous few weeks. I really wanted to reach out to her. I just need to remember to continue to PUSH... Pray Until Something Happens.
From what I understand she has been having a hard time making her rent so I am not sure why in the world she would want more stuff! The man she left here for is a Canadian so she can't stay with him. She is being questioned at the border every time she tries to visit him. He can apparently enter the US without any concern. I think their game plan is to have him move to the US. Gee, did I mention he is on disability? If he leaves Canada the disability checks end.
Then they will both be without ANY income. Interesting concept.