"I'll be home by ---o'clock, you are welcome to come by after that time. I'm sure the dogs miss you and would love to say hi, but so do I and I would like to see you. Love, Mom

Just an example but I think it is important to put up boundaried to protect yourself. Your not saying"i don't want you in the house when I'm not here, you are saying 'you may come by and get your stuff when I am home.' It's an unspoken boundary, but it lets her know you have standards to which she needs to comply and she cannot run all over you. But you have to decide beforehand if you can stick to the boundary- it's no good if you give in later.

Is your schedule where you could take a day off and be home all day? If so even better because she can't say that after you get home is a bad time.

I know this is very hard-trust me, I gave in to my kids all the time, I didn't want to upset them. But if she emails back that the time you appoint is not good for her, I would suggest that you reply one of two ways:
"I can put your things in my car that morning and you can come by my office and we'll get them out together, maybe have lunch" or "I'm sorry you couldn't work that into your schedule. Maybe next time you are in town we can work something out."

I am so sorry you are facing this hard situation, I only know that in my situation, my kids didn't respect me(Stating the obvious) . Before they can respect me I have to act respectable and that starts with respecting myself and having boundaries.

I hope my thoughts help you clarify what your situation calls for-- and I will be praying for you as you face this!!

"Lord, your word says that if any of us lacks wisdom, let him ask it of you and you will give it liberally. Please help DS4me and all of us have wisdom from you, and discernment from your Holy Spirit when handling situations with our EC, I ask you to give her a revelation as to what best fits her situation. Guide us and teach us, Father. We know you will be with us whatever happens and will get us through.

I agree with warrior's advice.

I couldn't have worded it better either. That is such good God inspired advice.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I was having such a hard time not lashing out. I actually copied and pasted your response. I hate to say I hope she can't make that time. Not that I wouldn't want to see her but HE will be with her. I have no desire to meet this predator.

She has called me 2x tonight. I didn't answer either call. She wants something so she is calling. So sad.

This is just ridiculous... I sent her that reply and this is a snippet of her response:

....swing by your house after so i can grab my stuff, they'll be staying in the car so I can't take long, you can say hi to me when im saying hi to the dogs and grabbing my stuff.. what stuff do you have left from my old house?........ sorry that I won't be able to stay long to talk, but at least you'll be able to see me.

DS....It sounds to me like she is really trying hard to avoid having any kind of discussion with you at this time unfortunately.

I would suggest that when she comes to the house, be as nice to her as you possibly can be so that she does not leave with anything that she can hold against you in the future. When things are strained the least little bit of negativity only gives them more validation for continuing to reject you. If she ever comes to her senses I think it would make it easier for her to return home if the last time she saw you, it was of a peaceful experience. I would hold back on playing the mother role for now.

I wouldn't make a big deal over her wanting to see the dogs more than wanting to have a conversation with you. We love our pets because they are not our parents. Pets just bring only joy to our lives. Parents bring rules and regulations and express their displeasure when the rules are broken. I wouldn't take it to mean that she loves the dogs more than you. I'm sure she loves you too - but differently.

Just my thoughts.

Since her note said she was planning on leaving this morning I felt I had to write her back last night. I hate to admit I really didn't want her coming here. Even if I did get to see her.

GM thanks for the understanding on why she would want to see the dogs versus me. You are probably right and it wasn't said to intentiionally hurt me.
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Here is the response I sent last night:

If you are just coming to get your dolls I can ship them to you. The only thing I saved for you from the townhouse is your yearbook and a photo album. Send me the address in NY you want them shipped to.

As much as I would like to see you I would prefer they be under different circumstances and for more than five minutes. Perhaps with some advance planning we can come up with something feasible?

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Her dad sent me an email that she sent him and it said something along the lines of she and her fiance were still really upset about "some of the stuff I pulled" a few months ago. The only thing she could be referrnig to is email that I sent her. She said I was trying to guilt her. In one email I offered to pay for her school if she came back home no questions asked.

I am not sure what God wants me to do right now. I went from a resigned contentment about the estrangement to thinking about her daily again and wanting to contact her. When she contacted me randomly I took that to be a sign that God was letting me know that she was ok. Now this contact has me all twisted up agan.

I don't understand what kind of hold this man has on her how she could turn her back on her mother and I certainly don't want to make anything worse between us.

I pray for her enlightment, knowledge and strength that she may see that this man in not the person she thinks he his that her mother and her family love her and want her to return home safely. Please join in the prayer.

DS....It may take time for her to discover for herself just what kind of person he is. IF he is a pervert he is not going to be able to hide it for very long. Just keep your ED in prayer, your both going to need it.

I kind of chuckled when you said this: "I am not sure what God wants me to do right now. I went from a resigned contentment about the estrangement to thinking about her daily again and wanting to contact her. When she contacted me randomly I took that to be a sign that God was letting me know that she was ok. Now this contact has me all twisted up again."

Sometimes we just have to wait until the bigger picture is unfolded rather than trying to draw conclusions based on the mini-clips that are going on in our lives. That is what is happening to me right now. I have at LEAST 6 major areas that all need attention - now!! Two are disasters that need re-fixing that occurred during the last 7 years, one is an unfinished basement project started 2 years ago, 2 are gardening projects, a 6-7 month major infestation of Indian Meal Moths that takes about 1/3 of my day to try and keep in check until we can eliminate it, and then there is the commitment to this group. I keep saying to myself, I KNOW there is a message in this somewhere but I have not figured out what it is yet. My conclusions are therefore on hold for now! :-( So I can assure you that I am right there with ya!!

P.S. I thought your note was quite appropriate.

Thanks GM. Sorry to hear you have so many items on your plate...

I just went to the basement to get the box of dolls she so desperately wants. Inside was a plaque from her confirmation. "May the Spirit of the Lord rest upon you and Lead you to Wisdom and Understanding"

How appropriate for both of us. I suspect she wants to sell the dolls as she has already sold anything of value that she has. How a person can fall so far so fast I don't understand.

I think everybody has to find their own bottom before their lives can turn around and start upward - hopefully they see the need for Christ in their lives when they do reach bottom.

Keep strong my friend!

The truth be told....

I listened to the VM message she left me the other day when I wasn't taking the call. She is STILL after the TV that I gave her for Christmas in 2010. It was a flat screen 32" TV. THAT IS WHY SHE WANTED TO DRIVE TO VA.... it was for the TV, not the dolls! There was an oh by the way, if you happen to still have the TV. She has asked me on numerous occasions what I have done with the TV. Interestingly enough the neighbor told me that she told him that she left the back door unlocked so he could take anything he wanted from the house. Of course she knows the TV was still there as she had given another friend the KEY! I had to change to locks on the doors and the mailbox.

A part of me wants to tell her that I will buy her a TV at her local Walmart for her to pick up. Just so she stops trying to get it here.

Another part of me says NO WAY - she left it behind - as she did so many other things, forget it!

DS my heart goes out to you! Stay strong, you are right. These 'children' seem to keep pushing us to see how much they can get out of us. We have to resist the urge to keep giving to them because that is what they know we will do to get them to come back to us. We have to wait until they want to come back, no matter what we do it won't change their minds. This is THE hardest thing I have ever had to do. I pray daily for patience and for Him to keep her safe. HUGS to you!

DS....I do hope you are not offended but I have a different take on the TV. You say that you gave it to her as a Christmas gift in 2010? When you give someone a gift, doesn't it make it their property? If she had left it at a storage facility and did not pay the rent, the TV would have become the property of the owner. But, she left it at her mom's house. If there was a condition that she had to have had all her stuff out by a certain time or if she was told that if she did not take her stuff with her at the time that would be different. If not, then as I see it, it is hers to take.

Is the relationship with your daughter not more important than a TV? To withhold it is only going to drive her further away because she is probably going to be VERY angry if you take the gift back.

"Let us then pursue what makes for peace and for mutual up-building. Do not for the sake of food, [things] destroy the work of God." Romans 14:19

"We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves; let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to edify him." Romans15:1-2

CM - I am not offended. I want to hear other sides. Sometimes it is hard to see anything through this darkness. However, she was renting a townhouse from me (half of market rate and at a loss for me) and abandoned it and most of her belongings. She meant to take the TV but she forgot it. I literally had to pack the house up - dishes, pots and pans. It was overwhelming. She said "have a yard sale and make some money." I was so hurt and angry. I packed up everything and donated it. Furniture and all! I had given her all of the furniture with the exception of the bedroom furniture which her dad gave her. He didn't want it back so I donated that too.

I have been thinking of ordering her a TV and having it shipped just so she doesn't contact me about getting her things. I am sorry to say if she wants to see the dogs me than me... well that hurts.

Beaq - thanks for the hugs and prayers.