Based on things my friends have said who have children from first marriages, the children are constantly playing games to put a wedge between parent and step parent.

As much as you want to see your son, your husband should be first and foremost in your life and you should not go behind his back. Maybe talk it over with your husband and if he doesn't care if you meet your son for lunch or coffee without him, then meet your son, but not without your husband's knowledge of it.

Norske, good words. The post reminds me of when I wanted my son to come visit; we hadn't seen him in a long time and were willing to pay the plane ticket. He just couldn't leave the GF home, though. So what did we do? Of course! Stupid, stupid, stupid. It only allowed him to take more control of an already shaky relationship. Not the same, soverysadmom, but Who gets to determine the boundaries and terms? I don't know if he is really ready to talk 'with' you or 'to' you. But please as Norske advised do not let him put stress on your relationship with your husband by not tellin/asking him beforehand.

Ask husband how he feels about iy...and consider how you yourself would feel if son only wanted to see his dad and not you...it hurts

If hubby knows and says do it...thats okay cause you are not keeping secrets and letting estranged children call the shots on boundaries in your spouse relationship...that would be wrong IMO.

The best way to know what to do is ask yourself...how would you feel if you were the one "left out" ??
And who are you married to "for better or worse" ...your hubby or your son???

AllK

These are good responses. I believe this is how Jesus would handle it. Honesty to DH is being respectful to him.

I would not allow my son to cause trouble between me and my spouse.
I understand your wanting to see your son, but I imagine your husband wants the same thing.

If someone truly wants to see a person, they will not care or try to dictate who else is there.....your son should not be allowed to put a wedge between you and your husband.

As much as I wanted to see my son I told him that it wasn't right of him to put me in the middle and try to make me choose. I told him I'd wait until he could see us both. Somehow I think he was just playing a game anyway and never intended to really meet me.

Sovery, good for you,

Soverysad, God bless you for doing the right thing. I pray that at some point your ES will want to see both of you. I understand what you mean by games. A couple of weeks ago my ED text about seeing her sick grandmother. When I sent her a note with Grandma's # in it saying that Grandma would be happy to see her she went silent. It makes no sense to me. It is sad how these EC act.

Sovery - you are probably right. Right now your son was testing the waters, so to speak, to see if you would pick him over your husband. I have a friend whose daughter plays those games. She says her mother can meet her for coffee but her dad and sister are not allowed to come. My friend told her daughter that they were a family and until she wants to see all three family members, that she would not see her daughter.

I can't imagine how hard that would be. My DIL tried to get my ES to just be mean to me and nice to everyone else. They told him if he didn't respect his mother, they didn't want to be with him.

Why are relationships with adult children so tough - that's the question I ask myself all the time.

Yes, it's like they will give you a little hope, and then snatch it away.

Our EC have such an entitlement about them. They feed on each other, encourage each other and justify their behavior. They love playing games, control games. They want to be in control of us, their parents. Sovery- I applaud you.

Good for you sovery....always try to keep our heads up and dignity and grace as we walk this path...

AllK

It seems like our EC have very strict rules to protect themselves from anything that may be uncomfortable for them. Unfortunately they lack the empathy required to think about how anybody else may feel.

My ED put me in a similar situation. We did meet for lunch one day, and I was told that I would be welcome to come to her home during the holidays, but Not her stepfather. I let her know that we are a package deal when it comes to holidays, birthdays, any special occasion. She promptly decided that she would be uncomfortable with that situation and abruptly left me sitting there alone. It's gotta be her way or no way.

I see nothing wrong with lunch, shopping, etc with just Mom & EC as long as it is not kept a secret, but to keep Dad (or long time step dad in our case) away on special days is wrong. In my opinion, that could very easily cause many marital problems.

You are so right soverysad, they are good at dangling a little bit of hope in front of us, and even more adept at taking it away. So sorry this has happened to you. Lj2

LindaJean, Your first paragraph describes our ED. She does not want anyone surrounding her that will question her ways, make her feel uncomfortable, or make her accountable to anyone for wrong or sinful behavior. It is the easy way out that our ED takes. It seems true of most of our EC. Of course that is not God's way towards peace and reconciliation.

You could meet with your son and just tell your husband. It doesn't have to be a secret. I wouldn't mind if our ED asked to meet with her dad and not me since she seems to be mader at me. At least she'd be talking to someone other than bf and his family who're just encouraging the estrangement.