CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
4 hours sleep, things are finished....after a week of her dropping the kids off everynight and not saying anything to us, texting to pick her daughter up at school because she wasn't going to be there in time to pick her up, my husband said this is enough bullying. Well with that came taking of the kids away forever. She turns everything around and makes us the bad guys. I'm so sad so frustrated and know that I cannot stay in this because life has to go on even though I don't want it to.
She has taken us for over 4000 dollars, last year she called to say she thought her husband might be molesting her daughter, she called her best friend. We both sought a professional to see what they thought and they felt that yes something may be going on. She then threw us under the bus, her husband passed a lie detector test and said we started all this!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the heck. She came back last mothers day. Her car broke down 2 weeks ago we lent her a car and had hers fixed at our reputable mechanic. 400 dollar repair (on top of the 4000 she has no intention of paying back) She gets mad at us saying she is being ripped off. I phone 3 random garages and they are all same amount as she was being charged except our mechanic was giving her a 3 yr warranty and the others only 1. So she said she has no intention of paying us, I had told her to give me 50 dollars a week for 8 weeks. She gave me 50 probably because she needed me to watch the kids. My grandkids were getting so excited learning about God, and asked why mommy never listens to music about Him. I told them everybody makes choices as what to listen to. She used to sing Jesus Loves me to them when they were babies. I seriously think she is either mentally unfit or narcissist. My heart is broken once again. I know God is here, but I wish He would take me home, no pain in heaven.
She has taken us for over 4000 dollars, last year she called to say she thought her husband might be molesting her daughter, she called her best friend. We both sought a professional to see what they thought and they felt that yes something may be going on. She then threw us under the bus, her husband passed a lie detector test and said we started all this!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the heck. She came back last mothers day. Her car broke down 2 weeks ago we lent her a car and had hers fixed at our reputable mechanic. 400 dollar repair (on top of the 4000 she has no intention of paying back) She gets mad at us saying she is being ripped off. I phone 3 random garages and they are all same amount as she was being charged except our mechanic was giving her a 3 yr warranty and the others only 1. So she said she has no intention of paying us, I had told her to give me 50 dollars a week for 8 weeks. She gave me 50 probably because she needed me to watch the kids. My grandkids were getting so excited learning about God, and asked why mommy never listens to music about Him. I told them everybody makes choices as what to listen to. She used to sing Jesus Loves me to them when they were babies. I seriously think she is either mentally unfit or narcissist. My heart is broken once again. I know God is here, but I wish He would take me home, no pain in heaven.
Have you and your DH thought of writing up a guideline of what you will and will not do. Perhaps keep it strictly to watching the kids. She brings them to your house; she picks them up. And the next time she asks for monetary help, tell her that is her husband's responsibility to take care of her financial needs.
As far as the SIL accusing you of starting this drama goes, my guess is that your ED did not want to admit to her DH that she told you about her suspicions and so she lied to protect herself from him. Not good all the way around for sure. But, I'm not sure what you can do about that other than having a serious discussion with your ED and getting some family counseling.
Guelsmom it was ED that accused. She is separated from her husband, that is a whole other story, met a new boyfriend and had him move in within a week of separating.
God help us to take one day at a time and find our peace in Him.
It is truly a shame that people, not just your ED, will turn things around and start pointing the finger at others instead of looking within themselves. Romans 3:23 says that...."all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God". Yet, we gravitate toward seeing the faults in others before we see that every one of us commits sins of some type every day of our lives. Romans 3 goes on to say in verse 10 that "There is no one righteous, not even one." That pretty much says it all, finger pointing toward others is useless, yet we all fall prey to doing it at some point in time no matter how hard we try and no matter how long we have been Christians.
But, our goal should be to try as best we can to look within ourselves before we start finger pointing. I know when I do that, I instantly see the other person as just a little bit less sinful as I first initially saw them.
As far as the dynamics are between you and your daughter goes, only you and her know the details. We can only respond to what we are given. Having said that, you say....."I guess we just should have shut up and let her treat us like this." That could mean a lot of things like.... what was said, how it was said or if it should have been said at all. I would suggest that you look within yourself, determine if there needs to be an apology and apologize if necessary. That sets you free from her as well as God. Learn from it and work towards a better relationship in the future - if she will let you.
As far as "letting her treat you like this" goes, no, you don't have to let her or anybody else ridicule, physically abuse or overstep your boundaries if you don't want them to. You do have choices as to who you want in your life.
Turning things over to God is good when we are turning things over that are beyond our control. God is not our "Go-to guy" to get us out of the messes we create." And I am NOT saying that is the case here at all because I don't know the details of what you are referring to - again, only you know that. Whether or not you are the one that really "screws up all the time" or if you are referring to her perception that that is the case is something I can't get from what you write.
Lastly hon, I know you are in pain and I understand that from a parent and grandparents point of view because I have been where you are right now - not really wanting to commit suicide yet just wanting the bitterness and the fighting to stop. For now, even though you say it is finished, I'm going to guess that she will be back again in the future. Perhaps, it might be a good idea to develop a plan for yourself that is reasonable for you and for her to adhere to and then ask for a sit down discussion of these things that are bothering you and her. Perhaps you can agree on reasonable boundaries for the future - making sure they are fair for both. Understand what the consequences will be if broken. (i.e. I will watch your daughter if available, if not you need to have a back-up plan. If I have plans that cannot be broken (like Dr's appts) I will not break them, but if I have plans like going shopping, I can change that for you and do that another time.)
Not sure if this helps you or not, but I'm just tossing stuff out there for you to think about.
I truly hope you have a peaceful Sunday. You deserve it.
That really opened my eyes and reaffirmed what I have felt. We mothers think if we do whatever we can to make our children happy or help them, that they will love us more, and sometimes I think it is just the opposite. In your situation and in mine, I feel we have done enough. Now it is time for our EC to turn to God and recognize us - the people the Fourth Commandment was written about. Honor your Father and Mother.
I think setting boundaries is needed. I set boundaries and my DIL coerced our ES away from the family. But I could not allow her to treat us with such disrespect. That's why as I have prayed over the years he has been estranged for God to squeeze the hate out of my ES and DIL and fill them with love. Love for God is the only way they will appreciate us and love us.
"Peacemaking is also not appeasement. Always giving in, acting like a doormat, and allowing others to always run over you is not what Jesus had in mind. He refused to back down on many issues, standing his ground in the face of evil opposition."
Reading that gave me peace, knowing I tried with my ES and DIL but did not back down on many issues (Christianity, family, foregiveness) and because I didn't back down, I lost my son.
But I think of him as my prodigal son - always having hope that he will return, although it might not be in my lifetime.