CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

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chocolatecat 07/12/2014

I think I mentioned earlier last week that we asked our ES not to involve our parents in the issue we have with his gf. We told him in very clear terms. It just puts them in between us and they do not understand how much he wants to manipulate them and really believe he's calling them now because he misses the......we know better. Anyhow, I just got an email at midnight from my MIL telling me that she wants to discuss all this this weekend because ES called her about it. This kid understands absolutely no boundaries! I would like to go to the opposite side of the globe just to get away from all of this! This is the fourth or fifth email about this situation that I have received in the past week late at night. It is nearly 4 a.m. and I will be awake for hours still because I am so upset. What do you do with people like this?! We set boundaries and they find ways to go around them to get other people on our case. We have no problem whatsoever with any of our children communicating with our parents, anytime at all. We just told this ES not to involve them in the gf issue because we know how he manipulates. Our parents aren't swayed but then they are in the middle. My MIL just had a CT scan for a concussion. And my FIL has a condition that only gives him a few years left. My parents are both in deteriorating health, could go any day. They don't need the stress of being in between us at all. My ES does not care about that at all. He just wants to try to get them to pressure us. I would have never in a million years done that with my grandparents to my parents. He just does not understand any boundaries. I am so upset. I want to cut all ties right now. I'd like to get rid of this email address.....but I got a new one a year ago and that was such a huge headache to move everything over. This negative disrespectful contact is worse than no contact at all. I feel like I'm being punished by adult children just for having/adopting them!
Thank you all for letting me rant. I was tempted to write someone an email that I probable would regret! This site has saved me from doing that! Blessings.

sadmad11 07/12/2014

Leave it all in the hands of God dear friend. We know we cannot control what other people say and do.
Praying for you.

whyonlychild 07/12/2014

For some unknown reason (because I can't understand estrangement at all) our EC will and do hurt us in every possible way. Our ES has blocked all contact with us. He even blocked our phone numbers. Our 14 yr old GD does email us when she is at a friend's telling us how much she misses and loves us. She understands this is not our fault. However, the things our ES is doing to keep the GC away from us and stain the memories is incredible. To me, at least, the more pain they can inflict the better they feel. The center of their world is them and perhaps a GF /BF. Talking to them is like talking to a 2 year old who we tell no and they still have to do it. My prayers are with you since you are the one who is hurting the most plus all this stress to your parents. We can't control any one else's behavior. All we can do is pray and raise it up into God's hands. This is where our faith is so important. It's difficult some times not to want to be in control but that is when we most need to turn to Him. Prayers and Hugs

lindajoan 07/12/2014

I am sorry your ES is not respecting the boundaries. Is it possible that you can tell your MIL that you do not want to discuss it. Let her know this is not the way you want things to be and that you are done except to pray for your EC?

I am a little unclear as to what your ES wants from his gp.

Norske1 07/12/2014

I agree with lindajoan. I'm guessing your ES wants his grandparents to go against you and he will continue to try.

I might, along wiith DH, sit down with your in-laws, his grandparents, and just tell them your son, while you love him very much, is acting very immature and maybe some of that is because of his realationship with girlfriend. That you would just ask her to not talk with your ES about you.

Praying for you my friend.

Alana2 07/12/2014

In my case, I have faith that friends and family will not be so easily bamboozled. I tell them they have their own relationship with ED, and it's okay to. So far, they have not been bamboozled.

chocolatecat 07/12/2014

In a nutshell: ES wants the gp to pressure us into giving our blessing for him to marry his gf. He does not care about our blessing so much as he cares about using us to impress the gf and her fam. - apparently it looks bad if we don't approve, go figure. But, if we do not sufficiently dote (ie: full out love fest) on the gf,he will be livid. This happened once before. A little background: he met her online, they met twice in person, she then quit her degree 2 months before graduating and moved 2,500 miles to his city almost 3 months ago. He wants to be married yesterday and he would be if it weren't for us. We told him to go ahead and do what he wants just leave us out of it. He won't. He knows that if he could get us to cave and we somehow were magically suddenly happily on board there would be lots of benefit to him. This is deteriorating so much that now I wouldn't even want to go to the wedding. I might have before.
This is a pretty small nutshell. I'd write way too much if I went into our concerns about the marriage. But you all are in many of the same circumstances so you can imagine.
I know that kids are going to do what they want but being arm twisted and beaten into somehow being "happy" about it just isn't possible.
PS - I fell asleep somewhere around 6 a.m. My day is wasted again. But I was happy to find all of your replies. Sometime today we will speak to the MIL. I'm sure my ES is having a lovely Saturday frolicking with his gf somewhere.

lindajoan 07/12/2014

How old is ES?

texassunshine9406 07/12/2014

I don't understand why he would want to be married so badly, but have to have your blessing?? seems a little silly to me. I am wondering if something isn't "missing" from the story?? Just asking. Is he expecting you to buy him a house, car or other major item for his wedding gift? There has to be something he is expecting from you for getting married. I wouldn't speak to your MIL about it and tell her that you aren't discussing your ES anymore, just shut it down and he can't do anything!

chocolatecat 07/12/2014

Well, I knew it was going to be a long convo with MIL but didn't think 3 hours! Meanwhile, she really seemed to understand. She sounds determined to support us and make sure our ES knows that. She said she would call me from now on instead of emailing me. That will be better. It accomplished something to talk to her, I just didn't think it would be our whole evening. She is determined to tell ES about her concerns too and knowing her no matter what I said she will. At least we know she's got things clear and is backing us up. She knows we are exhausted from this and need a break and she cares that her son isn't too stressed about this too which he is. So, being fair, the conversation was beneficial.
lindajoan - he is 26, plenty old enough to marry. We've just voiced concern about his choice from the very beginning, not thinking he would take it this far.........
texas - he wants all the benefits that we bring to the table - yes, probably stuff or $, fanfare and hoopla. We like to celebrate big occasions kind of big. He knows there won't be that if we aren't in favor. He loves the fuss and being the star. Apparently we created a monster. There's still lots missing from the story! Just way too much to write!
We're ok with our kids making a "mistake" with who they marry, we just aren't ok with being "punished" now for not being in favor......and we're not at all excited about the future with a DIL that resents us. You all know how that goes.

lindajoan 07/13/2014

Since you are not in favor of this relationship I agree with you not giving your blessing and support. I am also glad that your MIL is on board with you.

deleted_user 07/13/2014

Chocolate, how sad that you weren't good enough to be included in his life before, but now he's determined that you will be there for him and supportive of him, both financially and emotionally. You're so fortunate that your in-laws are standing by you and not being sucked into his game. They're probably aware that one of their favorite things is to amass an army so they can isolate and torture their victim/victims, which seems to be you and your husband.

I hope you can find the strength to do whatever you feel is right. If you don't want to be a part of this and he has hurt you and pushed you to the side, you aren't required to do as he says now. ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

chocolatecat 07/14/2014

Thank you all again for your support and prayers. We never imagined ourselves in this position. We'd love more than anything to be excited and happy for a wedding. But instead we're stressed, very upset and feel like we're waiting for an execution rather than a wedding. Lord please give us all strength for these difficult days and times and give our EC a heart for You and for Your wisdom.

Norske1 07/14/2014

chocolatecat - I don't think any of us understand the behavior of our EC when Satan grabs hold of them. We just have to stick to our own ways, those of God.

When our ES and DIL were getting married, she wanted us to give her $10k for the wedding. We refused. Then they had us meet with them and her dad and step mom. Step mom suggested we each give them $6k and she said that the reception holds 225 guests and "they" were inviting 175, so we could invite 50 guests. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I should have said, well then, we will pay accordingly and written a check for, say, $3,000, and left. But we didn't; we were just in shock and said we would think about it.

Went from bad to worse. Our ES said if we didn't give them the money, we couldn't invite anyone to the wedding. We said that was fine. We would tell our friends and family they don't want to invite them.

We went to the wedding. At the reception "our" table was off to the side. It was obvious we were excluded. My Christian counselor suggested we go to the wedding and reception. I danced the first dance with my son, as required, but then we left. We did give them a gift certificate to a furniture store as a wedding gift. So our entire contribution to this wedding was the wedding gift ($1,000 gift certificate, so she couldn't say we were cheap).

It has been 7 years. Our ES, as you know, came to the hospital to see my DH when he had the surgery. He has called but is very guarded. I have told him it will be up to him if he wants to come visit us or spend more time with us. We will not chase them but we do love them.

lindajoan 07/14/2014

I have to say Norske that God is giving you His wisdom and His grace as how to handle this new development with your ES. It seems that your DIL is still leading in the decisions. I pray that he will remain in contact with you and DH. I believe he wants to.

chocolatecat 07/14/2014

Norske1 - that must have been a terrible time for you and DH. So many thoughts run through my head - the nerve of them to demand money from you, invite you then put you off to the side, the dance.......I just don't know if I could do it. Then I know from what others say that it is torture not to go too. I'm just praying for wisdom when the time comes. Praying even harder that there won't be a wedding. Praying for a miracle.

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