Whymom, Is this your ES you are sharing about? How much contact do you have?

Indiajoan:

Yes it is my son. Officially we are not totally estranged b/c of the circumstances of his graduate school. He has to communicate b/c of that. It is maybe about every week to week and a half between times when we hear from him. It know that it is better than a lot of folks on here have but it is not what I would like and it happened suddently, so sometimes I feel like I am experiencing cold turkey.

whymom - a very upsetting discovery for you. We've had similar with our ESs. I think that is part of them wanting to be estranged - they know better than what they are doing and they really can't defend their actions so they avoid us and the questions we would naturally ask about their relationships. Ours all know better than to be "shacking up" but we still see evidence of it. If they wanted the accountability that parents can provide they would be trying to spend more time with us. Instead they are distant so they can "live in sin" without being called out for it by us. That is God's department at this point I think. When they go to such great lengths to avoid their Christian parents because they want to pursue sin then it is just up to the Lord to bring them to account for their sin. On our part we just try not to enable their sinful pursuits. You might consider backing off of some of your financial support though. We have one who finished a MA with lots of support from us, only to have him turn on us quite quickly afterwards. We regret some of that financial support now. It made it too easy for him to pursue the high life afterwards and is getting him into trouble. Just some thoughts. I feel for you, it sounds so similar to our ESs. God bless.

Such good wisdom shared. How old is your son? If young this relationship may not last.

I,also, wondered about all of the financial support if you are not pleased with his behavior. So many of our EC have shown ingratitude. Can you talk with him?

My husband would probably not support withdrawing financial support. When I mentioned withdrawing financial support if we found out he was going on this trip with the girl, he got extremely upset with me and said things similar to "you would just throw him out". I told him that to begin with I did not approve of him taking such an expensive trip before h is master's was finished in the event that he might need the money later. I also said that if the girl went and they began a sexual relationship then there should be some consequences b/c that behavior did not correspond with God's expectations of him as a Christian young man nor did they agree with our morals. But again DH disagreed with me and threw out some events in our extended family to try and justify continuing to support him. Our son is 26. So he is not young. It has been quite a while since he had a girlfriend and I am afraid she is "sweeping him off his feet". She seems to be quite aggressive by the cell phone activity (she starts a lot of the texts and calls, contacts him all times of the day and night and when we did hear about it he said that everyone told him that she liked him. We have not asked yet whether or not she is a Christian. Hoping for some time during one of his contacts that we do have with him. Right now this is a distance relationship -- she lives 3 hours away but not so far that they can't see each other on weekends. So far b/c of his grad school work she comes here and her family lives here. If nothing more I want honesty from him about this trip rather than finding out about it by accident. If she were to go and stay in a separate room then I might, and I say might, feel differently about it. I just keep trying to remind myself that God is in control and praying that temptation, if this girl is providing temptation, will be withdrawn from his life or he will be given the strength to resist it. I fear to do more may make him withdraw from us even further. My only other hope would be that somehow the other members of our extended family who got into sexual relationships and situations outside of marriage would somehow ask questions about this trip, find out about the plans and feel led to talk with him.

It is right to agree with your DH if he wants to continue supporting your son's education. At his age, there is very little you can say to him about his relationships. The most you can do is pray and remind him of Christian values. It is very likely she would go with him on the trip. Again, prayer is the best thing we can do for our adult children. God bless you with His peace.

I don't understand why "You" would be paying for this trip at all. Does it have anything. to do with his education ? If it does, only pay His way, & let him know your not paying. for a second. person . I agree, there's nothing you can do about his love life. except pray. You could limit his expenses (phone minutes. etc...) & tell him you have created a new budget. for his education , which will not include a second person. for this trip. I have a 29yr. old son & two daughters , what I've found, is that our son is much more distant. than the girls. Especially once they marry. We can train our children. in the way they. should go, but ultimately. its up to them to do what's right. Pray, Pray & pray! ; ) Keep us posted. Blessings. to you