Dear Norske1,
I think that was a wonderful email. You cannot do anymore than that. Continuing to reach out sets you up in a way for abuse, and that abuse may come in the form of ignoring you and not responding. Sounds like you have nothing to lose by waiting it out and hoping he will come back to you someday. I am going through the same thing, only I was threatened with legal action if I ever contacted him or DIL again. Now I send cards to the grandchildren. I never would have imagined this type of horrible sickness in my family. I pray that I can forgive him.
Judi

I have the same questions as you, but you've been at it a lot longer. My ED left in July. I don't know where she is. Post office will only forward mail for a yr. so soon I won't be able to do that. I found an e-mail address that so far hasn't come back disabled. Nothing has been responded to and I assume it goes to spam and is deleted. I guess keep praying what you should do. Some say send a final letter and leave it for them, and some say to keep trying to stay in touch. Have you sent anything else since last fall? It sounded like a final letter. Someone (I think on the other site) decided to drive 11/2 hrs. to ED work and poped in. It actually worked. I don't know if it would for everyone though.

I got the email from my son threatening me with legal action if I ever contacted them again about 2 years ago.
I never replied or said anything. I always walked on eggshells with DIL and my son. I feel it is right for me to hold back and let him come back, if ever. I just grieve for my grandchildren. I guess these kids feel so much pain in their lives, they have to take it out on the ones that love them the most. So sorry about your daughter and not knowing where she is.
Judi

I spent the last 10 years reaching out, begging for a continuation of our relationship via letters, emails, gifts, etc. which were met mostly with silence. My efforts have become fewer, with less intensity. My begging turned into acceptance of their decision. They have made it clear they don't want communication or a relationship. In the last email correspondence with my ED a month ago, when I offered to send a package of some family heirlooms I saved for her and her sister, I wanted to know where to send it. The conversation went downhill since she did not want to reveal her address and her last words were
"(Calling me by my first name), leaving us was the best thing you ever did. (I moved out of state to remarry 10 years ago and the courts gave them a choice who to live with - I had custody, but they chose their dad...but in their opinion, I abandoned them!) We have a strong family and we are much better off without you." Now if that's not an incentive to back off, I don't know what is. So I hope that the old adage "a lady knows when to leave" will apply in your cases as well as mine. I cannot take it so seriously, as my daughters tend to be thrown to and fro emotionally from year to year. They hate me one moment and then I get a card 2 years later for Mother's day. I assume when they mature (hopefully!) and ever have kids of their own, they will see that they are missing out. My prayer is for their salvation mainly and if that happens, then a continuation of our relationship. You just can't force it. There are 2 schools of thought: (1) if they abuse you enough, they will respect you and see that you hung in there, and (2) don't let them walk all over you and they'll respect you for it later. I opt for door number two.

I agree. Don't let them abuse you any more and lose respect for you. There are some good posts on this subject at another group, "Parents who walk away." I refuse to grovel at their feet. My ES is the one who is wrong, but I have to accept that he doesn't like me or want me around. This was my 3rd Mother's Day without anything from him, but I did get a card from the grandchildren.

My DIL would probably love to get a court order but since I have worked in law for 40 years, my ES knows better than to try that. I worked for some of the most powerful attorneys in the twin cities so he knows he wouldn't get far on that one.

Rick Warren has written about trying to reconnect but to walk away from abuse (albeit it physical, verbal, psychological, etc.)

I have definitely forgiven both my ES and DIL; it's the "forgetting" that can be hard.

Since you're in the twin cities like I am and in law enforcement, I would like your opinion. I was thinking in July to give the police my ED's bf's cell phone number and have them do a well check on ED. I did this the day she left and when I talked to the bf in Dec. to try and get a Christmas present to ED I guess it made him very angry. I don't want to make anything worse, but how would I ever know if something was wrong. Also, if they had a baby would I be able to find out and does MN have Grandparents Rights?

I don't know if I would risk the police calling the bf's cell, since you did it once already.

As to grandparents rights, yes we have grandparents rights and I already checked into that. You would have to hire a lawyer and take your ED to court. If you got a judge that believed whatever she told the judge, then you would lose all chances for later. The advice I got was not to do that without really thinking it through.

I am leaning on God for his Almighty Wisdom. I hope someday my granddaughter will be curious enough to try to find my DH and myself, irregardless of what her parents tell her about us, even if they tell her we are dead.

Having worked in law all my life, and my ES knowing about all the attorneys who would help me, I still chose to not go the legal route. It can get messy, just like a divorce.

I wish I could be more positive about your questions. Keep praying that God will touch their hearts sooner than later.

You were a big answer to prayer. Thank you for your advice.

I reached out for about 3 years. I worked with my SIL to reach my ED with no sucess. For the past 6 months I have not reached out. ED knows I want to reconcile. When she is ready we can start.

If she is never ready we never start. I pray God will soften her heart. I also beleive God puts people in your life for a reason and He takes them out for a reason.

I liked the tone of your e mail. It was touching.

Norske1 Our ED left home at age 20 17 months ago There has been lies told, false allegations, and much done to ignore DH and I and the entire extended family including her 92 year old grandmother. It has been painful for DH and I on every level. The choices ( and she professes to be a Christian) that she has made are very sad and we would love it if she would desire to have a reconciliation and peace. She knows our desire but it must come from her. We can not make her choice to repent to God and to family. Only God can do that. We have reached out to no avail, thus far. She has not reached bottom, yet.

Your email to your son was right on and very loving from what I read. I stand back looking in,at times and read how our EC treat us. It is so ungodly and evil. It is so dishonoring to God. Whether it comes in the form of silence or threats of legal action it is totally against God's Word in how our EC are treating us parents.

We (DH and I) have forgiven of all done against us, without being asked ,but repentance must come from our ED and she must make things right. We must each do as we believe God is leading us to do but when we believe we have reached out one time too many then we give it to God and pray for Him to work and for Him to help us move forward each day.

For me I made the decision recently to stop attempting all contact with my EDs. I will not allow myself to be abused any longer. They will not know when or where I am moving. The heartbreaking part is not attempting contact with my GC, but I know they would tell their Moms where i am moving. So for now I am not contacting them either, but will later. I finally said "enough is enough." I continue to love each of them deeply and always will, but will not be punished any longer. They all have my cell number if they want to contact me.

The best thing I can do is pray for God to speak to their hearts and bring them to Jesus and I pray everyday for this.

Paul,
That was a great statement about God putting people in and out of your life for a reason. Really meant a lot to me and made me look at it differently. I suffered for a number of years from an indifferent attitude from my ES, nastiness, silence, and passive aggressiveness, and then finally the last insulting email, which was really an act of final betrayal and the actual cut off. I am now thinking that God might have been trying to spare me further abuse. When I started thinking of my ES as an emotionally abusive man, i started feeling differently about it all and it brought me a little peace. I didn't teach him to be emotionally abusive, he became that on his own. I did put up with it too long.

For me it has been since 1999 with my ES. He cut me out of his life when I left his father after 24 years of marriage. He has two children I am not allowed to see. He doesn't respond to anything; letters; emails; phone calls. I sent him an email about 8 months ago and told him I would not bother him any longer but if he ever needed me I was here for him no questions asked.

I used to write 3 and 4 page letters trying to explain why I left his dad. For 3-4 years I did this. I told him about things he and our daughter didn't know about because I kept things hidden so they would not learn disrespect for their father. I never believed he could go this long hating me...never. All the shrinks and counselors I have been to over these years have assured me that, "He'll come around - you wait and see". I just cannot wait any longer. It has taken years to get where I can speak of him without squalling. Years of "waiting" has not been healthy for me.

Your so right Paul, things happen for a reason, they are not in our lives for a reason right now..