Very good question. I have been in the same predicament. My ES and I have a connection that is very tenuous. Sometimes I email and there is no response. I wait along time. Then my ES emails a few details of his family. I have never phoned, only emailed. If you can figure out the answer, let me know.

This is a question I honestly struggle with. DH believes in leaving our ED in God's hands and praying. Once in a while I feel led to text our ED. It is her favorite form of communication. I always ask DH if he agrees first. It usually does not have positive results. She may respond or sometimes does not. This shows that she has not had a change in heart. I always pray first.

If you are feeling led by the Holy Spirit then reach out in love without expectation. Do not be discouraged.

Our ES cut off all communication including FB but recently he posted something in general but I was on the list to see it. It was just a funny little thing. Since our GD birthday is next week, I messaged him about having her for the day. Actually got a response although it wasn't very nice. And we are having her to do our special birthday place and thing a week from tomorrow. That to me was clear and definitive. However, I have messaged him 2 times since with absolutely no response. I think it is something that you have to feel clearly that God or the Holy Spirit is leading you. It is an extremely difficult thing to know

There is no right or wrong way; each situation is different. I emailed and no response; I sent gifts and found out they re-gifted them, so then I stopped. My DH told me it wouldn't get me anywhere and he was right.

Now we have limited communication and have gotten together twice but it is obvious that they want to be in control. That is fine. DH and I are just too tired of the games and are leading our own lives now so if they want to grow the relationship, we will thank God; if not, well, life goes on.

These EC love to have us chase them.

I'm kind of in this position and kind of not.......our EC rarely communicate with us and right now we are fine with that because we are also tired of any combativeness and confrontation. However, IF I was wanting to reach out to them I think I would only send/email/etc. something light that I know would lift them up like a funny photo of something they like (dogs, cats, horses, etc.), a comic, or a funny video that you know they'd like. Something non-confrontational and light without requiring a reply. Just say "this reminded me of you!" If they think that all communication from you is heavy and wanting some kind of action from them they will continue to dread hearing from you and make it even harder. I wouldn't badger them with lots of it though. I don't mean to be sneaky by suggesting this but rather think that maybe a lighthearted relationship for some might be the only option and more desirable than nothing at all. Just a thought, this isn't going to suit all situations but maybe it is one option.

Chocolate, I agree with you. A distant cordial relationship is the best I can hope for from my ED at the present. So I keep it light and not too frequent, as she does. Some may see it as crumbs. But it is better than nothing at all and it leaves the door open.

I have quoted this verse before on this site. But it has given me so much wisdom and strength to accept what it is for now.

Eccl: 3:5 "There is... a time to embrace and a time to refrain."

My ED's have never responded to cards, emails, gifts, so after a year and a half, I stopped. They want NO contact, that's what they will get. they have to grow up....although at 23 and almost 28 and married, you would think they were grown, but not in today's society. They want to "act" adult and do adult things, but don't have a clue what they are doing in this great big world. It will take a few of life's lessons, some good and some not so good for them to possibly come around to actually being an adult. I will God handle them!

Thanks for the replies. It seems we all have the same struggle in this respect. It hurts to walk on eggshells especially when we really want to do God's will and be peacemakers and reconcile. Our dear Lord humbled Himself even to the point of death for us ...what an example! When I reach out, my best is often either inadequate, misinterpreted, or rejected-- all which hurt me and cause me to shrivel emotionally, and damage the relationship more. If I do not reach out I am considered distant and uncaring. I am at His feet daily in prayer. May God give us peace, wisdom, humility, and courage to act when required in a manner that brings glory to Him! Thank you dear ladies.

Thank you all so much for contributing to this group. I am new but have been facing these challenges for a few years. My oldest ES says he is depressed and does not like to talk on phone or visit. He somehow manages to keep a PHD level career by talking, so that does not make sense. Younger son has always followed his big brother (like moving far away) and is slipping away also. Maybe the emails with light things will work. Sounds like a good idea. Never thought my life would end like this, we were always such a close, church going family. At times this brings me closer to my Lord, other times the unanswered prayers make me doubt my salvation! God help us all in this situation.

Chante, We can't control our EC and that includes God. They have free will. Sometimes when prayers go unanswered we start to question God. Sometimes I feel the Bible is for everyone else, but me. That's Satan talking. We're called to love God no matter what happens.

My new way of dealing with all the dysfunction and turmoil is to simply ignore it. I mailed a birthday card to my son, decided to attend Thanksgiving, and will simply go on as though nothing is out of order. I have sent a couple of emails to my daughter and when they are not replied to (I don't know whether she has me blocked or is just ignoring), I just tell myself that she is busy and will get back to me when she is able.

The turning point was in realizing that it is their problem, not mine. ….. I mean, REALLY realizing this. Therefore, I cannot change it so will simply carry on as though everything is normal.

Not sure I'm explaining this correctly, but I'm simply not going to engage in the nonsense anymore. Life is far too short!

I have bent over backwards for my ES and it does no good. He doesn't respond to other family members as well. Lately I have given up trying because it is too painful and I feel like it is draining the life out of me. If he wants to put effort in , I will but I won't be chasing someone who has no interest in me. Especially the way he did it. I have visualized myself placing him physically into the hands of God to take care of, since I am unable to do it. Do what you think is right for you but do not expect anything or you will be crushed again.

I am a new member. I have been struggling with our son for about a year and a half...ever since I got off on the wrong foot with his girlfriend . So many phrases that I am reading is exactly what I've been thinking...about when to contact and when to pull back...letting God handle him...knowing that he needs some hard lessons in life to help him grow up (and his brand new wife)...and the vying for control. For such a long time (it seems long, anyway), my focus has been so aimed at this son. Even when we have contact, I believe I sabotage the relationship myself by bringing up the hurt - every time! I probably should just strive for light-hearted communication and not stress so much over my hurts and what I see as loss. One thing that is helping me right now is expressing thanks. It is helping to change my outlook some...but then there are those days when I feel like an idiot chasing this son via texts/calls which rarely get a response. Do others go through these cycles, too of reaching out and then pulling back? He was just married 3 weeks ago, and can't seem to find the time to text me his address. I resisted telling him to get an old phone like mine so he could text more quickly! That thought made me almost smile. I did send him a funny text this evening about his dad breaking a chair, but not spilling a drop of coffee from the cup he had given him. I sent the text knowing full well that he won't respond...but always hoping he might!

always, Welcome here! It is a difficult adjustment when our sons and daughters get married whether they are estranged or not. Getting along with the new wife, if possible, may help. I know it is not always possible depending on the new spouse. We have many wonderful mothers, here, who may share with you what they have experienced. Our ED is not married, yet. Sometimes, it is best to give it some time since he was just married. God will lead you.

God bless you and please post, often.

Always, I have been in your shoes. Our ES married a woman who didn't want him to have any connection with his family. I can't blame my DIL entirely, some of the fault lies with my ES. It took my DH's cancer to bring him back, but only for a brief moment. We don't hear from him any more and have told him the ball is in his court to have connection with us.

Your son is newly married. Give them some space. And then I would maybe suggest in a few months inviting your new DIL out to lunch. It is a tough one when the DIL isn't someone we would have chosen for our sons, but believe me, DIL controls what our sons do.

You are in my prayers.