CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

561 Members
3,756 Posts
0 Online
Children's Health & Parenting
/ CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Support Group

help me find a answer

edr1961
edr1961
I am wondering how to handle this.My older sister asked me to go to tennessee to see my sister in the nursing home,she does not ride airplane,no one can drive us,my sister is 70 yrs old and has bad scaitica nerve,her feet swell,i am 55yrs old,plates andscrews in neck,fracture in mid-back,disc issues in low back,cancer on my woman part to where they had to cut and recontruct down there and its lopsided lol {have to laugh now about it},and swells if i sit to long including my feet,depression,anxiety,andmy DH still not 100% on his major surgery,plus she wants to go by bus 16 hours ! then we will stay withmy other sister and her family and oh my goodness they smoke so much lighting one cigarette off of another and she had copd, and very dramatic,my 70 yroldsister doesnt want to stay at hotel due to hurtingfeelings, And i dont want to smell all that smoke for 5-7 days,in there home,inthere car. I love my sisters but i do not want to go,and become sick,and i dont want to hurt feelings either,and i dont want to be made to feel guilty.Any suggetions?
agrandmothersheart
agrandmothersheart
You need to do what is right for you. Putting your own health at risk does nobody any good. If it is dangerous to your health to travel, tell them so. You can Skype instead if they wish to communicate. It's almost as good as being there in person... and poses no danger to your health.
barbyzhere
barbyzhere
Your health, and your husband's come first I think. If they know about his surgery I'm sure they wouldn't want you to leave him alone, especially for that length of time. Grandmother had a great suggestion with Skype or FaceTime. I've done that with my nephew in Japan. It's wonderful. You're dealing with lots right now, so I encourage you to put yourself first in this case.
butterfleye
butterfleye
I agree with the above advice.
lindajoan
lindajoan
I agree. That kind of a trip sounds very difficult and you are really not up to it. Please be honest with her and take care of you and DH. The Lord understands.
edr1961
edr1961
Thankyou i dont feel up it, but i think my 70 yr old sister wants to put a guilt trip on me. I am listening to my body and mind. thank you again
Norske1
Norske1
I agree completely with what everyone here has said. You need to take care of yourself and your husband first. If you can't skye or facetime, talk on the telephone. Tell your 70 yr old sister to not put a guilt trip on you. Does she have a son or daughter that could take her down there?
edr1961
edr1961
She lives with my oldest ES but him and his wife have to work, my opinion she doesnt need to go either we are not young and not in best of health.My Dh would not keep me from going but i dont want to be put in all the smoke,drama,the sister we would stay with is very unstable when i talk to her on phone for a little bit i am frazzled so i cant imagine for days with her. I love her but from adistant.
edr1961
edr1961
Help my guilt is starting to sneak in on me,spoke with my sister today and she has told my son and dil that i wont be going to tennessee to see my sick sister because i dont want to leave dh by himself due to his health, its makes me feel selfish,she isnt telling the whole story. She has forgot about my health,and the smoke we will have to inhale,drama my one sister is always in.I speak to my sick sister every couple weeks and i love her and all my siblings how do i overcome this guilt?I amso tired of bending over backwards and feeling like i dont do enough.
lindajoan
lindajoan
This guilt is not coming from the Lord. Many people in our lives put guilt on us which causes stress. There is only one voice we must obey. That is God.
Norske1
Norske1
edr - do not let your sister throw that guilt trip on you. Call her up and gently remind her that she isn't sharing the whole story. Does she really want you to go to Tennessee when your OWN health isn't good now, does she really want you (and her) exposed to all that smoke? Ask her and if she doesn't answer, tell her you deserve an answer.

I have a friend who is always throwing out "stuff", be it brag or guilt, and finally I have asked her why? It stops her in her tracks and I think makes her think a bit. Self-centered people need to be reminded of what they say.

The bible says to (1) love God first, (2) love your spouse second, and (3) love your children third.

You spouse needs you home.
edr1961
edr1961
I have really started to feel a little less stressed, my one son and dil we are trying to make our amends in our family,and taking babysteps he told me yesterday"Mom i have no negative thoughts in my head" i told him i am so glad thats the way your supposed to feel.So we are moving on and trying to repair what is broken i know it will take awhile and we are not pushing anything,my mental state is better and i dont need to go backwards with guilt trips,i have been through so much mental,physical,emotioal sickness since 2009 with myself,ec,gc,dh,havingto retire due to my health,and no one has been there but my dh,and occationally one of my es when i needed togo to dr appt,.My siblings never called,but at least i contact them so my dh and i have been accustomed to be,do things on our own.I am sorry for blabbing on and thank all of you for making me feelbetter
ruthsandraschilling
ruthsandraschilling
You need some sort of compromise with your sisters.
bettyshe
bettyshe
Dear sweet edr, I understand the pull you feel to "go along to get along" but the truth is you aren't well enough at this time to do it there way. Your DH needs you and the stress of the long ride and the smoke and holding in emotions sounds like a formula for great disappointment to you. We all still want their love and would kill ourselves for it. Have someone do a video for you telling your sister how much you love and wish you could be there but can't because you are not well but you wanted her to see your face and maybe some at the nursing home could do a cellphone video of her and send it to you. Call the nursing homes recreational activities director and ask if she would play a disc from you to your sister. Use a cellphone to make the video and go to Walgreens to have it put to a disc. Send her a few other pictures, and items etc. we don't have to kill ourselves to show love. A big Bear hug to you my friend.
With great love,
Betty
claudiacazanas
claudiacazanas
I agree with all of the advice! Be honest , take care of you and your Husband. Don't allow your sister to play that guilt card. Tell her you are just not up to it !
edr1961
edr1961
Hello good friends,sorry have not been on site for awhile,i am taking all of the advice and going to put meand dh first. As far as my son and dil are concerned its going ok, taking very small steps and so far so good.I wont let my walldown ever again. my DH and myself have backed away and dont ask anything.I am alot more at peace right now.