CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
GRIEF: LOSS DUE TO ESTRANGEMENT
One of the most difficult journeys in life is the journey of grief that accompanies the loss of a loved one.
There is another kind of loss that is similar but also very different. Unlike the loss of a loved one through death, there are no flowers or words of comfort offered and no service to bring closure.
Mothers and fathers are almost always caught off guard when an adult child becomes estranged. Unlike cases of estrangement resulting from abuse, there is often no reason that can be seen for the estrangement.
The parents are often good and loving parents who are tossed aside emotionally by their child for real or perceived shortcomings.
The parents are left grieving a loss that is beyond comprehension and all understanding. The adult child may suddenly move out of the parent’s house or move far away without even saying good-bye.
The adult estranged child may suddenly stop returning phone calls and emails and stop visiting. When parents try to call or visit, they are stonewalled by their adult child.
Sometimes the estranged child will deny that there is a problem but a mother knows in her heart that there is something wrong.
It is a difficult and traumatic journey for parents and they often don’t feel comfortable sharing details with friends.
Even well-meaning friends don’t know what to say. Friends often assume that the parent must have done something to deserve the estrangement.
In some cases, the estranged adult child is a child of divorce who now blames the parent with whom they lived for the divorce. In other cases, the estrangement has nothing to do with the divorce.
Often the estranged child will even cut ties with some or all of their siblings and other relatives. These relatives are guilty of nothing more than being related to the parent.
Because there is no explanation or reasons given by the estranged child, the parent is left with only questions and no answers.
There are good days and bad days. Often past memories will suddenly flood the parent and will feel like daggers through the heart.
Parents’ stages of coping are much like stages of grief
• Complete bewilderment
• Deep and lasting sadness
• Search for a way to fix it
• Anger
• Acceptance
• Semi-reconciliation
Issues parents must deal with
• What to do about birthdays and holidays
• Who to tell about the estrangement
• How to handle relationships with family members who are not estranged
• What to do about grandchildren they don’t know
• Whether or not to keep the estranged child in their will
• Whether or not to view Facebook and My Space pages
• Whether to keep trying to fix what’s broken or give up
One of the most difficult journeys in life is the journey of grief that accompanies the loss of a loved one.
There is another kind of loss that is similar but also very different. Unlike the loss of a loved one through death, there are no flowers or words of comfort offered and no service to bring closure.
Mothers and fathers are almost always caught off guard when an adult child becomes estranged. Unlike cases of estrangement resulting from abuse, there is often no reason that can be seen for the estrangement.
The parents are often good and loving parents who are tossed aside emotionally by their child for real or perceived shortcomings.
The parents are left grieving a loss that is beyond comprehension and all understanding. The adult child may suddenly move out of the parent’s house or move far away without even saying good-bye.
The adult estranged child may suddenly stop returning phone calls and emails and stop visiting. When parents try to call or visit, they are stonewalled by their adult child.
Sometimes the estranged child will deny that there is a problem but a mother knows in her heart that there is something wrong.
It is a difficult and traumatic journey for parents and they often don’t feel comfortable sharing details with friends.
Even well-meaning friends don’t know what to say. Friends often assume that the parent must have done something to deserve the estrangement.
In some cases, the estranged adult child is a child of divorce who now blames the parent with whom they lived for the divorce. In other cases, the estrangement has nothing to do with the divorce.
Often the estranged child will even cut ties with some or all of their siblings and other relatives. These relatives are guilty of nothing more than being related to the parent.
Because there is no explanation or reasons given by the estranged child, the parent is left with only questions and no answers.
There are good days and bad days. Often past memories will suddenly flood the parent and will feel like daggers through the heart.
Parents’ stages of coping are much like stages of grief
• Complete bewilderment
• Deep and lasting sadness
• Search for a way to fix it
• Anger
• Acceptance
• Semi-reconciliation
Issues parents must deal with
• What to do about birthdays and holidays
• Who to tell about the estrangement
• How to handle relationships with family members who are not estranged
• What to do about grandchildren they don’t know
• Whether or not to keep the estranged child in their will
• Whether or not to view Facebook and My Space pages
• Whether to keep trying to fix what’s broken or give up
I am experiencing both these situations and the issues and questions of estrangement do create confusion. For 2 1/2 years I did send cards, emails, left voice mails etc. with each my daughters and never once received a response. I finally made the decision to detach myself from them and I did it because it is best for me and gives me back my power. In addition, the repeated feeling of rejection is no more. I had to let go or continue living sad, depressed and angry which I chose not to do. I did close my facebook account because it brought continual sadness to me. My daughters are still in my will and this I will keep. I have stopped trying to "fix" something that I cannot.
Other family members are still a part of my life and are aware of the situation. The one thing I refuse to do is stop contact with my grandchildren and only one of my daughters does not allow this. All but one of my grandchildren are teenagers with the youngest being 8 and living 1000 miles from me.
I have tried in every way possible to bring a healing and now all of this is the Lord's hands - only He can heal their hearts in His time and way. At this point my energy needs to be continuing the journey of grieving my husband's death. For a while I put this on hold trying to cope with the estrangement, but this is now my priority.
I love my daughters very much and always will and if either of them want to contact me they do know my phone number. Their issues with me are now their issues since neither of them have given any explanation. I cannot heal what I do not know.
Thanks for the article.
I got this article from the following site. When I clicked on the links for more support, it came up with nothing.
http://www.examiner.com/article/a-different-kind-of-loss
So, Im sorry. You are right, it definitely needs a part two. You might want to look into Kubler-Ross's stages of grief, though I don't know if they come up with suggestions re coping. There seems to be a dearth of information about estrangment out there. Someone really ought to write a book. The only book I know of is:
When Parents Hurt by Joshua Coleman.
http://www.examiner.com/article/a-different-kind-of-loss
Although we may have varying circumstances, the sense of betrayal and true suffering is the same for all of us.
I am sad and hurt by my ED's actions, but I will not let her define who I am, nor will I allow her to steal my joy. I can look upon things as they are and not hide my eyes from such a reality. I will do what I can to make me happy in this alien of all situations forced upon me. It and I will evolve ... Just like a process, and as time ebbs by, there will be change.
I don't deserve this. My grandson age two and my granddaughter, a newborn, deserve to have a loving and caring grandmomma in their lives. My SIL is a perfectionist and has OCD He cannot find satisfaction. I don't know how my daughter stands it all. But for me to be part of their lives is to subject myself to his and now her abuse ... And I won't do it.
But alas, I can see ahead I do believe. His controlling, and dominating manner will only entice his children to hate him; and ultimately to hate their mother for acting as an enabler. At some point my daughter may come to her senses and leave him...time will tell. But it will be because of her children I do believe.
I wish I had known of his affliction...I could have been more aware when interacting with him. He had rigid schedules for my grandson ... He would dictate to my daughter when the baby could be washed with soap/baby wash. The schedule was more important than the baby's needs. Horrid. My daughter would call him 'baby god'.
He would hold the baby down by the leg and torso to feed him his bottle. When I witnessed him doing this I told my daughter it was wrong. I would get up and leave the room.
I would take care of my grandson babysitting until I found it impossible to please my SIL. That's when I told my daughter that I adored and loved my grandson, but that since I could not please her husband I would not babysit anymore.
Basically I could not satisfy my SIL. Of course at the time it would have been helpful if I knew of his mental health problems. The thing was and is, he must exert total control...and in doing so uses all kinds of manipulations. Fortunately for me, I recognized his actions and attitudes for what they were. I just was unaware of their source. I thought he was rude, unappreciative, and acted like an entitled nitwit. I didn't know the demons that he was battling when it came to his anxiety and stress caused by his disorder. That is why I pray for him.
But again HE Knows about his condition. And I am sure my daughter knows of his condition. So I pray for her too. She has her hands full.
But then she has been isolated in the middle of nowhere...thousands miles away from her and his families.
Her life is quite something now..isolated in the middle of no where with 40+ miles to drive to get to a town; in a house that has no central air or heat but wood burning stoves; with a two year old, a newborn, 2 German shepherds and 3 cats.
Her first winter this 2012/2013 and it got so cold in the downstairs that the dog's water dishes froze over night. You keep one stove burning per night since you sleep upstairs.
So this is where she is now with her beloved husband....alone. No family, no friends living in the middle of nowhere... Really.
My daughter married when she was 32. Her best friend for over 5 years and her matron of honor is no longer in her life. The same kind of estrangement happened to her. I can only say that my daughter has changed so very much that I don't recognize her.
How horrid to think you know someone and then to find out you really don't. I am lucky though..when the manipulation, name calling, irrational behavior started, I reacted immediately to stop it. I had not suffered such since I dealt with teenagers.
There is a saying about 'teaching those around you how to treat you'....well I don't believe you throw relationships away..you fight for them...but there must be a two way street. One-sided relationships are just that....you do and do....
So I pray and ask the Lord to intercede.
The words resonated with my soul.
God bless you for sharing it.
I was thinking of Job in the Bible. He lost everything. All his children died. And I was thinking well he knew at least they were dead and had not rejected him and I wondered which was worse...
Thankfully, God restored to Job all he had lost and more.
The questions raised by this article are shattering in their silence.
I have often wondered if there was to be a family tragedy - would it take that to bring them together? Would they all gather for a funeral?
It is reprehensible of them to treat the mothers who brought them into the world like so much garbage under their feet.