Well, I haven't seen my grand children for 3 years either. Makes me sad for you too, since 3 years old is such a sweet, adorable age. I had sent cards, but this year I sent checks for their birthdays and was sent thank you notes in their handwriting. Nothing since then, it has been several months now. But, at least they know I am ALIVE and care about them. Hopefully, someday....

Isn't it a shame that we have to be in such a tizzy about whether or not to acknowledge perfectly normal events like birthdays, Christmas, weddings and graduations when other "normal" families can do it without even thinking about it???? Absurd isn't it?

Having gotten that off my chest, if you feel inclined to do something because YOU want to do it and not because someone else wants you to do it, then how about a McDonald's gift certificate? I have done that in the past even though I never got a Thank You for it.

Shameful...yes, I agree Mom2

I have sent gifts for the last year...for occasions and holidays and was told by ED that she did not want me in the children's lives! AGAIN.

I can sometimes miss a hint, but when I am blugeoned with her rage and she goes on about how my Christmas gift to my GS was inadequate ? goodness, no more gifts or any thing from me to them.

But I will set up a bank account for each one of them. I don't have their social security numbers, so I have to see what I can do to earmark the monies deposited for them. I will make deposits in THEIR bank accounts and when the day comes, they will see that their Grandmomma loved them. They will have a full accounting of the deposits I have made on THEIR behalf.

And depending upon how long it is until I see them, or if it is upon my death...whichever, they will know I loved them. Just a thought.

When I say ...bank account for each of them... I mean one for my GD who is 3 months old and one for my GS who is 2 years old.

So My happiness in giving will come in the future when they are old enough to understand.

My little grandson will be three in December. The last time I saw him was in January. My son who was still seeing him came to a restaurant for a few minutes, and we had a sweet time. One of my favorite memories was of helping the little boy draw circles on the place mat. He said, "Look Daddy, circles!" I have that sweet little memory of him calling my son Daddy. That means a lot to me.

I think my son had to lie to the mother because he couldn't stay long, and a month before when he brought the baby to the house for 20 minutes she called, and he just said, "I'm in my area." At that point they were broken up, and my son was trying to still see his son.

This is the way it has been from the start even when my son was involved with the mother, and they were planning to get married. At the hospital I brought the baby a little elephant and tried to be friendly. They wanted no part of me. I had to go through security when the baby was born just to hold him for 10 minutes. I didn't see him for a year after that even though I brought presents and diapers and sent letters of pleading.

A year later on his birthday, I left a package at my son's door. He prevailed upon the mother who brought the baby to his apartment for an hour. She was very cold although I was as friendly and appreciative as I could express. The baby warmed up to me quickly and was playing with my face within an hour. I thought then that maybe things would get better, but they didn't.

I saw the baby near my birthday and near my son's birthday, again I believe on the sly, because they were very short meetings. But I have some pictures, and I am very grateful for that. Many months passed. On the babies birthday I sent a package to their house with a little outfit in it and a toy. I have also given my son Easter baskets that didn't seem to leave his apartment.

Now my son doesn't see the baby, and he will be three in December, and there will be Christmas. I have decided that I will buy a toy and little outfit much as Hannah did for her son that she couldn't see. I will put a card with it telling the little boy that I love him and I am praying for him. I may put a note inviting the mother to dinner if she wants. They only live 10 miles away.

I want my grandson to know that I did not reject him. That I always loved him. They may throw the gifts away and tear up the card, but I know that I have reached out in love to my precious grandson. One thing they can't stop. He is going to grow up. And one day I will perhaps meet him and be able to say, "I sent you gifts and cards. I loved you. I'm sorry that they didn't allow me to know you." He will grow up. He will be free some day. I may not be a very interesting old lady at that point, but he will still be my grandson and I want him to know he was never rejected.

It's such a hard decision for me. My son told me 6 years ago that he wanted nothing from me - no emails, no cards, no gifts, nothing and then he wrote "I will contact you if I am ever up for that again."

So all my attempts to touch base with him have gone on deaf ears. I am torn as what to do. I think I will pray about it tonight and see what God tells me. She is only 3 and doesn't have a clue who I am. Maybe the best idea is to start an account and maybe a box of b'day cards that tell how much I have deposited for her in an account. But then I wonder why do that - will I even be alive should she want to see my DH and me?

I have friends who push into their kids lives with gifts, phone calls etc. and it has worked, but hasn't for me.

PS - I don't believe in buying someone's love with money. Is that what I would be doing if she came to me as a teenager and I had this gift?

When I was a child, my maternal grandparents were practically strangers. I would have loved to have the attention that they gave to my cousins who lived near them.

If Upon my 18th or 21st birthday received a monetary gift that included birthday and Christmas cards and such, it would told me I was loved. I would know.

I will never have them in my life - my grandchildren. I have to let go.

I can not and will not suffer for years to come. I am too old for that. If I was 40 or 50....maybe, but I am older...and I have given and given to my ED. I have to give to myself now. I have to think of my needs and I have to get on with things without thinking of her or my GC.

The Lord knows my heart and my pain....and He will handle this estrangement from now own. Everything I have done has made absolutely no difference.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

Norse, do what you want, Send a card, do a bank account, keep a journal, let your GD know she is loved, in your thoughts, when the time comes she will ask why you were kept from her.. When she is of age, getting cards and notes of someone who is a stranger, and happens to be her grandmother will perk her interest, you are not buying love, you are telling her, she was always in your heart, thoughts, and whatever issues you had with your son, was just that.
Just my 2 cents

claudiajane. Every one of us is different, and I don't believe there is a right way to do this. For some, we may have to just cut the tie for our own sanity. That is not wrong. It's just the way it is in your life. For others they may want to send gifts or set up accounts. That is the way it is for them. I don't believe we are doing wrong either way. The thing that is wrong is that we are put in this position in the first place. Even adoptive parents who take complete custody of a child very often send pictures to the birth mother and tell her how her child is doing. That is a simple kindness to someone who cares and is hurting for their loss.

Norske1 I know it is a difficult decision because you want to do what is right for you in God's sight. Praying about it first like you mentioned is always best. I know you have "detached" and so have I but at times we are faced with what to do. I am going through that right now regarding my sick mother and whether to let our ED know. (may post for opinions later).

If you do send a gift it always goes to the parents first. It would be their decision on what to do with the gift. When the child is a minor they are in charge of what the child receives and knows about. My ED is unmarried and does not have a child. You and the other grandmothers (and grandfathers) who are not seeing these precious children do not deserve this treatment. I would say that it is a great loss for the gc but mostly for their parents. They know no one can love their child as much as the grandparents do. How foolish they are. All of our EC are missing so much due to their sinful ways. God willing, they will one day wake up and realize the truth.

I agree completely. Each of us must come to our own decisions. I do not judge anyone else's actions. I am simply speaking for myself.

I have done what I felt was appropriate when I did this or that. What is appropriate for me now is to withdraw from the situation I have with my ED. When the efforts I have made are met with more ugliness and lies and rants - it is time to stop.

I told my mom and sister I would send presents and such to my GC and my ED until I found that it gave me no joy. I sent things because it made me happy to do so.

However I no longer find that doing such gives me any joy. I will not do such out of a sense of obligation. When my daughter can continue to say the things she has said to me, there is nothing but hatred and disrespect.

If there is any change on her part, I will consider my choices.

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. My DH and I have decided that I will get a little box, put b'day cards in there, date them and write the amount of $$ we would have given her. Then we will open some sort of account for her, even though we don't have a SS number. Hopefully some day she will look us up and we can give her the box.

This issue of sending gifts has been a source of pain for me too. Sometimes I'm torn, but it hurts a lot to get no acknowledgment of a package sent, so I haven't sent any in awhile. I heard an idea--to send a card to a GC, and buy a duplicate card to keep. Someday, when the GC is grown and hopefully you will see her/him, you can show her/him your box of cards sent, in case she never got them.

In stronger feeling times, I send something. But not hearing back feels bad. I personally think that to be able to reach out again and again and hear nothing back, is for those who have a support system in their lives, such as a loving spouse or friend. God is still increasing my ability to be strong in the face or meanness and rejection, which is really the practice of unconditional love, not easy, need's God's help.

I heard a gal in her 20's share about the birthday and Christmas cards that she got from her grandpa during her childhood. Her parents had estranged him, and she never got to see him, and she was so sad about that, being an only child. But she cherished the cards! I am going to try to be faithful to send a card and gift to each grandchild for their b/day and Christmas, and put aside my ego/flesh/pain and do it anyway.

Oh why can't people just love one another? !

foreverlovingmom: I think the idea of keeping a duplicate card is good. I struggle in this area too. It just seems to be part of what a grandmother wants to do, to buy a toy, to give a little outfit, to tell them how precious they are to you. And yet we are ignored. With grandchildren, if they are tiny, they don't even know what is going on. If they are older and they get the gift they might wonder, "What's the story on this?" You wonder what the parents are saying to the child about you. Are they just throwing the gift or the card away. That then makes you even angrier: I mean, I could give this gift to some poor African child, and he would love it.

That's a thought! (I'm thinking out loud here.) Buy a really nice gift for whomever you would like. Send a note saying what it was and how you would have liked to have given it to them. And then give it to a charity where the person would really appreciate it. Is that mean or what? Take a picture of the gift, put it in the card and say I wanted to give this to your child, but instead I gave it to this little boy at the prison ministry. He wrote me a card saying, "Thank you grandma! And it made me feel so good. God Bless!" That's probably vindictive and rotten right?