I feel like "I'm" losing myself

Gordos, I can understand why you would put up walls. When our own EC betray us and treat us so poorly we do put up walls and protect ourselves from others. We come to a point where we are afraid of being hurt again. Be kind to yourself. Guilt and condemnation is from the enemy. Jesus saved us from that. The enemy wants to destroy us on every level. The Lord wants to heal us and give grace. We care and we understand. We pray for each other.

I know what you feel like and I think it is normal to put up walls after being hurt. It is a protective mechanism, I have several layers. I agree with linda, look to God for healing, and be kind and compassionate toward yourself. God is grieving with you , as are all of us. You need to focus on yourself and your recovery.

I find nothing wrong with walls personally. If something hurts my foot, God built in a callous mechanism. It's natural. After a friend betrays us, we're more careful. After a colleague betrays us, we're more cautious. After a child rips our heart out, what else are we to do but build up a wall? I'm guessing Jesus tried to build healthy relationships with his siblings. When they chose to reject him, he didn't spend time pining away for them or feeling guilty. He had offered them the best He had and they made a mistake and declined. Even though I spend hours every day thinking about my son, and praying for him, speaking words of blessing over him, I know my heart is not soft towards him anymore. A line was crossed, and something in my heart died. It wasn't my love for him. It was hope for a close relationship. Call it a wall perhaps, but I am comfortable just leaning on God and leaving it in His lap.
Unless my son has some kind of epiphany, I don't want him coming to anything when I die. He can read it in the paper.
When I get to heaven I expect to understand this, and I expect reconciliation with him, but not before.

I agree barbyzhere. I love my ED very, very much, but will no longer reach out again. My hand has been bitten too many times. I will pray for her as long as The Lord gives me breath, but I will not chase her.
It's funny, she will only give her address to those who promise not to share it with me. Little does she know, she has nothing to worry about. I have no intention of visiting.

It's amazing how much our EC hurt us. They KNOW they are doing it, but don't care. My son KNOWS I am suffering, worrying about his well-being. If he +DID call, I would be scared. The last 3 years, he has only called when he needed money or needed my husband to fix his car. My other son who claims to be an atheist, he has little respect for me. That doesn't surprise me though, he has no regard for God, so how can he have any for me? I have always been willing to do ANYTHING for my kids..not so much anymore. I find myself also not wanting to make any new friends, because I have a hard time trusting people. My ex-husband really did a number on his 2 sons. I guess when he died, he had to face what he'd done. Since I don't feel well most of the time, I pretty much just stay home, go to church, grocery store & post office. I make extra money selling on ebay, which has been good lately. I will probably do this until I cant afford to anymore and get a job again. My youngest is going through a hard time as well. Makes me feel like I did a bang-up job as a mother (sarcasm)

barbz, I agree with you. My son can hear about my death through the grapevine or in the paper. On my bad days, I have even found myself not caring if I live or die anymore. I know that's awful, but the world is cold, dark place. The only person that brings me joy is my grandson,

You are not alone. Your situation is my own. My sons txts are vile ... He calls me the filthiest names and lies about me. I'm sitting here watching mph mums heart BREAK over what this narcistic boy has done to us. I'm not crying now; I'm NUMB; I HATE HIM.

Whoa Whichypoohs. I understand you're upset. You have every right to be. Try to take a deep breath though. Your words sound a wee bit harsh. Your heart is so broken and your emotions so raw that you're saying things I believe in time you won't really mean. To hate your son is something you likely don't really want to do. We've probably ALL felt that at times, when the pain is indescribable. I understand that. Maybe it's better to feel numb than to feel hate. Perhaps anger is dressed as hate right now. That's okay. God understands our emotions. He has big shoulders. He'll help you find the balance. Can you block his texts so you don't have to read his crap?

indescribable hurt can unfortunately cause us to be bitter with hatred but we can heal and return to being human with Gods help. He doesn't want us to live a miserable existence. If someone causes us that much grief and sorrow, we have to let go of that person and stop engaging with them. We have to live, think of ourselves, and do whats best for us. Block the texts, and remove yourself from the hurtful things to preserve yourself.

The sad part is that we can not change our EC. We can not make sense of the senseless. I don't believe the good Lord would want us to accept bad treatment. He said in His Word that parents are to be honored. There is a time to step away and let God take this. Our EC may change one day but until then the best thing we can do is move forward by God's grace. He will be with you.

Whichy, You are very hurt. Sometimes in the greiving process it may appear like hate but that is the hurt talking. It is too difficult to heal when the verbal anuse is so constant. Please step aside from it and let your ES know that you are done accepting it from him. Seek counsel from someone who understands greiving and loss. Jesus will not leave you. Please stay with us.We care.

Im sorry your feeling so bad,and even told my husband we will die of broken heart,and often ask what have wedone.Why do people treat us so wrong.

The longer I am estranged from our ED the more and more I see the huge part that the enemy has played in it. He has lied to our EC and with their free will they have made bad choices. Sadly, we live with the consequences of these sad choices. Only God in their life can change them.

True Barbell. It is true that our EC have free will. God will not force any one. I do believe He is also in control of all things. Let's pray that our EC will be led to know the Lord or to return back to Him. We do not know by what means God will work. He can surprise us in what means He will use. I think it often is when a bottom is reached in a person's life that the most change occurs. We keep praying.

I love him