CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Daily Inspirations spoke to me today. It speaks about enabling our children:
The younger son told his father, ‘I want my share of your estate now before you die.’ So his father agreed to divide his wealth between his sons. A few days later this younger son packed all his belongings and moved to a distant land, and there he wasted all his money in wild living." - Luke 15:12-13 NLT
Thoughts for Today
Enabling is anything that stands in the way of or softens the natural consequences of a person's behavior. Enabling behaviors may actually hinder what God is doing in our loved one's life.
In Luke 5:11-32, we learn that the father of the prodigal son understood the dangers of enablement. The prodigal son chose to take his part of the inheritance and leave home. He went to a distant country and wasted his wealth. Finally, out of money and working in a field feeding pigs, he came to his senses and decided to go home and ask his father's forgiveness.
Consider this …
Although it had been painful to see his son leave, the prodigal's father allowed him to be responsible for his own actions … all the while, praying for him and waiting to receive him with open arms when he returned. But in the meantime, the father did not send care packages to the pigpen.
When the son recognized his sin and confessed it, his father welcomed him home and showered him with mercy and love.
It is vital that we don't try to deliver our loved ones from the natural consequences of their actions, but instead allow God to work his perfect plan in their lives.
This reminded me that as strong as the urge is to reach out once again to my ES, I need to be patient and wait on the Lord. Maybe God is working in my ES as he watches his wife estrange from all family members. I pray he opens ES's eyes to how lonely it is without family.
The younger son told his father, ‘I want my share of your estate now before you die.’ So his father agreed to divide his wealth between his sons. A few days later this younger son packed all his belongings and moved to a distant land, and there he wasted all his money in wild living." - Luke 15:12-13 NLT
Thoughts for Today
Enabling is anything that stands in the way of or softens the natural consequences of a person's behavior. Enabling behaviors may actually hinder what God is doing in our loved one's life.
In Luke 5:11-32, we learn that the father of the prodigal son understood the dangers of enablement. The prodigal son chose to take his part of the inheritance and leave home. He went to a distant country and wasted his wealth. Finally, out of money and working in a field feeding pigs, he came to his senses and decided to go home and ask his father's forgiveness.
Consider this …
Although it had been painful to see his son leave, the prodigal's father allowed him to be responsible for his own actions … all the while, praying for him and waiting to receive him with open arms when he returned. But in the meantime, the father did not send care packages to the pigpen.
When the son recognized his sin and confessed it, his father welcomed him home and showered him with mercy and love.
It is vital that we don't try to deliver our loved ones from the natural consequences of their actions, but instead allow God to work his perfect plan in their lives.
This reminded me that as strong as the urge is to reach out once again to my ES, I need to be patient and wait on the Lord. Maybe God is working in my ES as he watches his wife estrange from all family members. I pray he opens ES's eyes to how lonely it is without family.
"…a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief."
Christ died for us while we were in the midst of our sin. He did not wait for us to repent, he did not wait for us to clean up our acts. He died for US (that's you and me) when we were still unclean, filthy sinners.
My model is Christ. If he died for me, endured that suffering and pain, surely I can forgive my own children even while they are hurting me. …then let God work in their lives.
There are times when I can't get away from those types of situations and just get through it with the Grace of God. My mom's and my sister's funerals were the last situations like that for me because my estranged brother and his wife were there for both. It was hard for sure but I just focused on those that were easy to talk to and ignored the others. It was not pleasant but I just felt that they had a right to be there just as I did. Quite frankly, I just felt sorry for them. It was their bitterness, not mine.
Just as a thought for you, I looked back to the first couple of topics you posted when you joined this group because you don't post all that often so I couldn't remember much of your story. There were two that were pretty much the same concern then as it is now. But, it was what your grandchildren did and said that brought tears to my eyes as well as your SIL that is an absolute gem I must say. Perhaps if you go back and read those again, you might find your answer to your prayer in your own writings?
The quick links to them are:
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/estranged-parents-of-adult-children-seeking-peace/discussions/messages/14215944
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/estranged-parents-of-adult-children-seeking-peace/discussions/messages/14258385
After missing my beloved granddaughter's skating shows for many years due to my ES's anger towards me, I finally decided I have a right to be there. Last year I went (letting the local police know first), and was delighted to see here spinning and twirling, huge smile on her face the whole time.
I was later told via email, "It's not ok for you to show up like that." Of course it upset me then.
A year later I'll go again tonight. The issues he has with me are his issues. He has to deal with those. I will not allow him to control my life. Tonight I will go, enjoy watching my granddaughter skate, and leave. If I get in trouble, so be it. I need to have a full life and my granddaughter is a part of that life.
In regards to my previous posts about welcoming our children back with love, I had a meeting with my on to try to repair our relationship. I welcomed him into my home. The minute he started putting me down, however, he was asked to leave, and did. When I say I welcome them back with open arms, no apology required, does not mean I allow them to mistreat me again. There is a big difference. One is unconditional love, the other is enabling.
We all continue to pray, I know, that God will work in the hearts and lives of our EC. Only He can bring change to them. Estrangement is hard and it sad for all involved. It is so against God's plan for families. We all desire to have reconciliation and peace with our EC. If this becomes the desire of our EC I know at that timebGod will give us the grace to respond in the best way.
God bless you tonight.
Almost 2 years ago my daughter got married. Prior to her wedding there was no estrangement between her and me. I knew there could be tension at the wedding since my ex-husband's new wife would be there, and she was closer to my grandchildren than me for various reasons.
I felt God telling me, "you need to let go of your children--I have other things for you to do." I was incredibly confused by this, because I had just gotten through a difficult time in my own life and was now feeling I could hopefully become closer to my son and his children (my grandchildren). I asked to have coffee with my ex-husband's wife, and shared this with her (she is a Christian). She looked puzzled and I could tell she was questioning my very sanity.
A month after the wedding (which went incredibly well) things started to happen which created tension between my children and myself, and left me estranged from both of them. I had no way of knowing these things were ahead.
I resolved to make myself busy and I wrote a book which has helped a great deal of people. I did a significant amount of public speaking. I had no way of knowing I was going to do this since both these are not something I had done before.
My point is this…
God is in control, even though we don't see it. We must trust that He has our backs. He has a plan that we cannot see--we might never see it until we are in glory. But, we must trust, hard as it is at times (and yes, like all of you I spend hours crying my eyes out in sorrow).
I am still estranged from my son, and it still hurts. I worry for him and I long to see him and my grandchildren. But, God is working in my own life, and I must trust that he will also work in their lives.
One more thing. I don't pretend to have all the answers. I struggle just as much as anyone else. My experience has shown me, however, that we have a big God and he can and does move mountains still.