I have felt and do feel this way sometimes.

I remember talking to a friend of mine (she has 4 children, and even though they are not estranged, they do a lot of things which cause heartbreak).

Anyway, I told her (and maybe this is selfish of me), that it seemed like my whole married life was a failure. I had wanted to be a mom (and a stay-at-home mom). When ED estranged herself from us 6 years ago, it was like saying I had been a failure at the one thing which had truly been the only thing that mattered--raising a family.

I do think these estrangements take a toll on our health.

Allow me to give you a shot of reality about not staying home to raise your family and today feeling like a failure for the way things turned out. Your only failure is your thinking that things might have turned out differently and what most matters to you, you might have today. Take that little thought and burn it.

My children and their welfare, my family mattered to me more than anything. This was something I felt I could excel in because I was a loving, caring and attentive mom. I breastfed my son till he was 31/2, my daughter till she was 2. I was a stay at home mom who's life and dreams revolved around her family.

Shit happened and we got hit by a financial tsunami. It was nobody's fault but government politics. It put our little ship into a tail spin. I fought like hell for the survival of our family, for the survival our home, for our future, for my children's future. I know I was a good mom. When our nest began getting torn apart, I became a Super mom. I found strength where I didn't realize I even had any. Shit hit us from every side, front, back and center. I went to extraordinary means to save my family, our home and to stay off of welfare. At the same time we experienced the financial hit, we got hit by our daughter's ADD in grade 2. Then we got hit by our son's school yard bullying in grade 5 which produced in him symptoms of PTSD. I personally got hit by my husbands inability to handle the stress. He began to wander and strayed into behavioral addiction. We lost cabin pressure and I had to don my oxygen mask and secure it to my children. It was one wild ride on the side of insanity. At the end, I felt like Swiss Family Robinson emerging from a broken hull. In real life, storms don't end the way the book does. Acute Stress takes it's toll. People are not rubber bands that can just snap back. Our storm was more like the ordeal of New Orleans. I've had my share of challenges, heartbreaks and heartaches. Today I have two estranged children, not one. I am the cause of the estrangement although it was inevitable had I not set boundaries on abuse. My daughter doesn't want to come home because she doesn't want to face Reality. She is comfortable living in her False Self, lying to herself and other's. She doesn't want to face accountability and take responsibility for the $40,000.00 debt she saddled us with "Something "owed" a 22 year old child, like hockey lessons she said". I disagreed. We have a lot to talk about but she avoids. In order to insulate herself from responsibility, she has resorted to "Scapegoating" and has launched a "Smear Campaign". This same girl who wrote appreciative love letters to Mom at age 18, had at age 36, invited her "Abusive Parents" to her wedding, not as participants but as guests. Our self respect wouldn't allow us to show up on this occasion which was being planned by my estranged sister (paranoid personality disorder). When I showed my daughter the love letters she wrote, she explained that she didn't realize at the time that she was being abused. In addition to being Abusive Parents, I'm now being painted as a Mentally Ill Mother. I've lost most of my family members due to my adult children's smear campaigning. This goat finally packed all the sins of the family onto my back and headed into the wilderness. I had enough. I know what death feels like and my insanity cleared up immediately after I left the insane behind.

My family was the only thing that mattered to me, (besides God) I'm a good mom. I'm not a failure. My children when they became adults had Free Will. They could have chosen to Love or to Fear. They chose to Fear and went into that dark place where Fear lives.
The last time I had contact with my daughter, I raised the issue surrounding circumstances around her behavior which created a painful betrayal of trust and encumbered with a whopping debt which we spent ten years repaying with nothing to show for it. My daughter refused to talk about it. In fact, she began to intimidate me saying, "If you don't shut up, I won't be around to wipe your ass when you get old". My reply was, don't worry about wiping my ass, worry about who's going to wipe yours. when you get old" Life has a way of turning on us, who's to say you don't end in a car accident and will need me to wipe your ass?

Abusers all try to silence their victims. I recognized this as an invitation to submit. I told my daughter that the only time I will be silenced is when I'm laid out in my casket. I will speak my mind, I will speak my truth and she'll have to get used to it. I haven't heard from her since. It's been a few years.
I realized that the only thing worse than losing your child is losing your "Self".
Also, If your child fails to respect you, they really don't love you. It's not the face, not the voice we grieve for but the love. You can be in a room full of people and feel very alone.

Another mother

Donnarose.... you cant blame yourself for reasonable choices made when raising your children. Some of us didn't have a choice in whether we could stay at home with them or go to work. For me, I found that I was not good at the stay home mom part. We all have different gifts, and at that time in my life, nurturing little ones all day and night every day was definitely not mine. I felt I was a better mother when I got out of the home. My regret there is that no matter how careful you are with who you leave your children with, you cant always protect them and people I entrusted them with either abused them personally or allowed them to be abused by others. Terribly. The kind that writes on the slate of ones soul, to never really be removed. Obviously for that I have regret.

My point is that there are many people on this site. We all made choices that influenced our children, both negatively and positively. As you read these comments you find that these estranged children were all raised in different circumstances yet are still estranged. So we cant continue to kick ourselves for the past. I know, trust me how the enemy likes to make us feel responsible for all that has happened. I have culpability in my sons actions. But do I deserve what has happened, the pain he has caused us, no I do not. I have asked him and God for forgiveness. That is all I have left besides prayer.

God knows our regrets, our mistakes and loves us regardless. When our children truly turn back to Him, I think that this madness may end. Only God knows.

Oldandbroken and others who are interested...I have mentioned before a book that I truly love...It is by Charles Stanley and called The Blessings of Brokenness. He talks about why and how we suffer and are broken and how that brings us to a safe place in God. He is such a tender speaker and writer. I love this book. Hope others see this recommendation.