Dear friend, you are not alone. I am only 50 and have 7 children but since the estrangement of my 3rd child, a most beloved daughter, over 18 months ago I have lost my "spark". I know my other children and loving husband are just as valuable, but it is like my heart has been searching for my own "lost sheep" like the parable of the shepherd who left the 99 safe ones to look for the one that was lost. Physically, I know my body is suffering. I have struggled with my weight all my life but had successfully lost 65 lbs and felt so much better. Since my daughter abruptly left, I have quickly gained back all the weight and have constantly swollen ankles now. I fear I may be developing congestive heart failure. One can truly die from a broken heart. I pray mostly now that God would give me the strength to endure however many years I have left on this earth. It is natural when enduring daily anguish to long for the day when "there will be no more tears or heartache". I try to remind myself that God endures a deeper pain than we can comprehend knowing that so many of His precious children will never return to Him. That thought gives me some peace, though in all truth, I would trade being allowed to "enter into His suffering" even in the small way I have, for the return of my daughter any day. Romans 5:3-5 helps me when I'm spiraling:"... Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. " May God strengthen you my friend and give you hope again.

I feel this way on occasion and it seems especially after my ED has done another cruel thing to us. All I want is for the pain to stop. I am just tired of the pain.

I have progressed now that if I can sleep on it and make it through to another day, I am ok now.

I know exactly how you feel but you are not worthless and do not let anyone make you feel that way. I know it is hard but do not translate their actions on to yourself. Love yourself and find what makes you happy and allow yourself to heal. I know how it feels to be beat up emotionally but don't beat yourself up too. My ED does not value me either but that doesn't mean I am garbage it just means my ED has issues if she cannot see that I am a viable human being with much to offer. Since you love life go on living it and show her you will endure.

I wonder what God thinks about our actions - pining for our EC and overlooking the wonderful children, spouses, family and friends that love us - gifts from God. If we don't cherish those people, will God remove them from us to let us destroy the life He gave us? Our life is a gift from God; he is crying with us that our EC don't want us in their lives, but because he loves us so much, he has given us other people who love us.

Let's embrace those other children, spouses, friends and extended family with love, and let them know how much we love them. I am doing that with my other son who loves me unconditionally. We need to verbalize to these loved one how important they are in our lives. I still think about my ES, but at this point there is nothing I can do to reunite with him except to pray for him.

I believe showing love for those who love us is honoring God.

I agree with those who say what our EC think of us does not define us. Only Christ does. Our ED has no use for us at this time. That is her issue and I dare say mental problem and disregard for God's commandment. I speak truth but not to judge her. We would show her nothing but grace as our Savior shows to us.

I have found that time and staying busy is a good thing. Work has helped me. Time with God is the best help. We only have one life to live and we can only do it one day at a time.

I can relate to you all. I too had lost weight and was feeling much better 5 years ago. Then I had an emergency gallbladder removal, a sister in law get brain cancer and cared for her in hospice in my home, watching her pass away before my eyes. She came to my home unsaved, but went into glory with her eyes on the Lord, having accepted Him as her savior before she passed. It was after her funeral and the loss immediately of a close friend, that we received the email from our son that broke us. I became so depressed with all that we had been through that I crawled away and let it eat at me as my health went downhill. I admit I was angry and hurt and blamed God for not stopping it. It wasn't all related to this but it certainly didn't help. I do believe that we can get to a place where we can die from this. If we let it absorb us to the point that we no longer care to fight back for our lives, we most surely will put too much on our bodies.

I cant tell you not to feel this way, as many days I do. I have to say that yes, it is wonderful for those of us on here when we have other children and certainly grandchildren. But I ask us all to be mindful that there are many who have lost their only blessed child to this curse and have no one to turn to, unless they are blessed with a spouse and or family that understands their pain. But in conversations I have had with these friends, usually the extended family does not understand, neither do friends. They feel alone and completely helpless, trying to get through one day at a time without the back up we have. For those friends, especially the ones that have the faith that they do in Christ even though left alone, my heart truly bleeds for them. There is nothing in this world that gives me more joy than the grandchildren I have do. They love unconditionally. I could not imagine if I didn't have my daughter and her children. So for these friends, I love you and pray for your pain to be healed. I pray for all of my friends on DS. I don't mean to criticize, just to remind that many are much more alone than we find ourselves.

I have had people remind me that someone always has it worse somewhere. And we all know that. I will admit that I have been angered at times when told that. To tell me that makes me feel like I am selfish and honestly stupid. I do know that so many have so much more than I will ever have to carry, but it doesn't change the circumstances that I have at any given moment. I have learned to be much more mindful of the pain of others since coming on DS. But there are times when we are overwhelmed by our burdens. It will come and it will pass. So please continue to have faith like a mustard seed. You will get through this and may even someday, find the reason you went through it. Blessing to all here.

Answer: You join others who are 65, and feel the way you do.

65 is young. You feel old and broken because your heart has been ripped out. Move over. This is when we really need to rely on God's strength.

Ask yourself this question:
If you were given the choice to keep your child and lose God, which one would you choose?

I would choose God and Love and hope that my child would also choose LOVE.
By the sounds of it, you chose God over following your child into hell. You made a powerful decision. You're not as old and broken as you think. You are not powerless, just hurting because you had to leave your child behind to find their own way. Can you imagine where both of you would be today if you chose your child over God.

You're on the right path, keep going. At the moment, it may look like a tough climb but you've made the decision. Stick to it. Your child has made a decision. It's a long way back. God gave all of us "Free Will". Seems your child chose to destroy Love. You are in a far better place than your child.
You may be old, but your child is the broken one. Lets keep things in perspective.

You have choices. You can crumble and fall or you can stand on your rock like a lighthouse shining over dark and troubled waters.

My advice to myself is: Find your strength, plant your feet solidly on this rock and shine your light, your truth, to those who are lost. My children won't benefit from having me crumble. If I'm in a fight with Satan, it will be Satan who will have to back down. I"m solid with God and I'm entrenched in my position. Love gives me strength.

Sending you love and strength. Believe in the Power of your Love for "others". Believe in Love. When you have love in your heart, you have God.
"Power With" is a good place to be.

Another Mother

lightedpath made a great point in saying that if we had to choose between God and our child, we would most likely chose God. During childbirth if we overheard the doctor quietly telling someone that "only the mother OR the child" could be saved, (and they are required to save the mother not the child) what would be your cry to the doctor? I suspect that most of us would insist on saving the baby. Even today, I suspect most of us would choose to save our C over ourself, because b/c it's from our LOVE that we suffer. Even though my EC seem like strangers, with cold hearts and contempt for me, I would still choose for them to live. I know that deep within those stranger's lies my real child needing a spiritual awakening or re-birth --i hope with all my heart they get it someday, for their own sake more then mine.

I know the pain beyond description that doesn't ease up, in knowing they knew of my sorrow and chose to do nothing about it. I thought that in hearing of my pain, they would have compassion for me and reconsider their words and actions. Shockingly, I actually set myself up for deeper anquish, because they had no compassion or empathy at all. I was accused of trying to cause GUILT in them by saying that, was told that I'm weak and needy, am enmeshed, lack boundaries-- all the worldly teachings that justify lack of love. Contempt and disdain are what I got. I know that they have NO idea at all how much pain it is for a mother to lose a child of any age, because they have not felt that pain. Adults older than myself, who haven't suffered this loss, also have NO idea. I MAY be judged or blamed, especially when more than one C is E. Adults, pastors, even therapists cannot know this pain unless having lived it, imo. I think a therapist would not judge or attribute blame, or shouldn't! A middle aged single male therapist I went to only once, told me on my first visit that I was "using my C as a crutch to "PROP myself up". I knew he was wrong. I loved them as a mother does-that was/is the 'problem'.11 years after hearing that misinformation, I went back to see him for 10 minutes to tell him he was incorrect, he must not know about the powerful and unbreakable bond a mother has for her C.

Grown children and others who lack compassion, aren't deliberately choosing to be cruel, they are just ignorant, and havent suffered in life themselves, enough to have developed compassion and empathy. It feels like cruelty, definitely. I didn't want to pray for my EC for years, as i worked thru the stages of grief. Eventually I was able to forgive them and now I pray for them a lot. They need it and I pity them.

Those who have no incoming love from any other human source, as with myself, suffer more I think. it's a feeling of being caught in a vast sea, and having no thread of connection to humanity.

A song gave me comfort at the worst of the pain "Held" by Natalie Grant. You can hear the pain in the song and asking how could this happen? My daughter included this song on a custom made CD for me one Christmas eve, handing it to me through the door--and later she told me that she KNEW I would relate to the pain.There you go! Maybe some day she will too.

oldandbroken, I google that question once in a while, and there is now scientific evidence that we can die of broken heart. I thought so!

Lightedpath....first of all, you are not old. I am also 65 and don't feel old (except when I see those grey hairs and facial wrinkles - haha)

Seriously, reading Rick Warren's book "What On Earth Am I Here For?" helped me a lot. Also the topic on this site called "detachment". Detachment helped me to tell myself to "detach" from my ES right now, not "throw the baby out with the water" as the old saying goes, but to just take a break from thinking about him so much. He certainly isn't thinking about me right now. I put my energies into a list of other things that I have always wanted to do and that list keeps me going.

You are a wonderful child of God. Don't ever forget that!!

I think the fact that we can die from a broken heart makes perfect sense. It is actually our spirit being broken to a point that we cant or dont take proper care of ourselves. Ive been broken so many times to that point. I have dealt with abuse, loss of loved ones that I will not likely see in Glory, loss of those who I will see again but still have to endure life here without them and health issues that have put me through an earthly hell. It makes me very sure that I want to be in Glory...so I wouldn't be able to choose my son over God. That is hard to say. This is my child, part of my body. Was it easy for God to send His son to die? Of course not. Did Abraham struggle with his command from God? Of course he did. God rewarded his faith and spared his child.

This comes down to the fact that This world is not our Home. We must get through it, spreading Gods word to whoever will listen. We cant force salvation on anyone, not even our babies. All we can do is struggle through the best we can and Pray without Ceasing. And be there for others who need lifted up through situations we do understand. Its an easier job when we have been in each others shoes a bit. I believe it is one reason we do go through so many trials. Meeting people where they are is so very important to help them.

Rambling on, praying for all...Nana

I am 68 yrs. old and in the past 3 years my husband died and 8 months later my 3 daughters walked out of my life. I had many, many days where I did not want to go on. Many days I did not want to get out of bed. Many tears flowed. One evening several months ago I cried out to God on my knees in prayer asking for help and what I was to do. He said "Be Still and Know That I am God." He said to me he is in control of this estrangement. I cannot change their hearts only God can. Since that evening my focus is on having a much deeper relationship with Jesus than ever before. I continue to have sadness about all of this, but am able to move forward with my life.

It may sound simplistic, but I only know God's words to me that night changed my heart and mind. I was broken emotionally, mentally, spiritually and my heart was broken. It is said God loves broken people and I decided He must love me fiercely because I don't know how one could be more broken. Keep seeking and believing God's guidance for you. He will provide what you need.

So much wisdom, here. It is a blessing to be a part of this group. It is a God send.

Life is hard. Estrangement is hard and not of the Lord. The enemy wants to destroy us all on every level but that is not God's plan. "In our weakness He will be our strength." We must trust His promises even when we do not feel like we can face another day. We must trust Him even when we do not see the light in the tunnel. He wants to be our best friend. God willing, He can use us to help another because we have walked through this deep loss. He will not waste our pain. He has promised to make beauty from ashes.

PS Oldandbroken, You are not old and broken in God's eyes and in ours. You are a special person.

foreverloving, thank you so much for that song by Natalie Grant. Here's a link to hear it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-hJ87ApWtw

I didn't think I could survive the rejection of my son and the loss of my grandson. I didn't think I could stand "how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive."

I have been thinking today of Romans 6:3 "Know ye not, that so many of us as were baptized into Jesus Christ were baptized into his death?" And then Colossians 3:1-3 says, "If ye then be risen with Christ seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God."

I have been a Christian for 42 years. But never during that time did I ever die...not until now. I have been through the rejection of several men, the loss of two unborn children and the death of my first husband and both my parents after extended illnesses. I have been betrayed by friends and I have lost many dreams. But not until now with the rejection of my only son and the loss of my grandson from my life, did I die. Not until now can I say with understanding, "I am dead and my life is hid with Christ in God."

It actually brings me comfort to think of myself as dead and on my way to that place where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. "For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Phil. 1:21

If hope is born of suffering, if this is only the beginning,
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it is to be loved. And to know that the promise was when everything fell we'd be held.

Can you die of this heartache? Yes. And that will be the only way to find peace.

I felt overwhelmed by all the wonderful replies. I'm in the company of God's angels. Guardian angels, that's what parents are. We must be good people (and therefore perceived as a threat ) or evil wouldn't be focused on destroying us. Isn't it just like the devil to use our children against us in order to cut us down to our knees. Evils main goal is to destroy Love and to divide. I don't know about the rest of you, but Evil will not destroy me or destroy the love within me.

Yes it's true, that one can die of a broken heart but we can also die fighting.

I remember a poem:
Then up spoke brave Horatio, the captain of the gate,
"To every man upon this earth, death cometh soon or late,
and how can man die better than fighting fearful odds,
for the ashes of his father's and temples of his Gods".

Yea, thou I walk through the valley in the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil for thou art with me, thy rod and they staff, they comfort me.

When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high, and don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of the storm is a golden sky and the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain, though your dreams be tossed and blown,
Walk on, walk on, with Love in your heart and you'll never walk alone,
You will never walk alone.

We've been given a heavy cross to carry.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
I say, "lets get at it". We've been handed a challenge, our job is not finished until we are.

Another mother