CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

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whymom 02/07/2015

Because I don't hear from my son I sometimes feel like I am losing my mind. I read some articles the other day from one lady whose children had just moved out, she wasn't necessarily estranged, but she said that for her it was just the loss of knowing about their lives on a day to day basis any more. Not to be nosey, but just that loss of contact. How much did it bother all of you to not know who your child is socializing with, the girls or boys they are meeting and dating, their morals, etc. I guess I worry too much but I work at the same college my son is attending and I see how the girls dress, I see their behavior, I hear the boys who work for me talking about getting drunk, etc. it just scares me to death. I also hear stories from a lady at our church who is a sorority mother and she talks about how the girls dress, how they come home at all hours, sometimes drunk and she has to stay up with them while they throw up in the bathroom. I honestly feel like the world is going to hell in a hand-basket. Sometimes I just have such a hard time praying b/c sometimes I now question God and why this is happening. I lost trust in my son about 9 years ago when we found out he started drinking at age 16. We never drank, never had alcohol in our house but he started this when spending the night at either of two friends houses. I think, maybe not totally, I had regained trust in him but then when he made plans to move out and didn't tell me until forced to do so after I got an email doing a credit check, that now my trust level in him is somewhat gone again. I guess I don't trust him not to hurt me again. I feel wrong in saying that and my husband chastises me for it but both times I have been extremely hurt and disappointed in him. Now with no communication I am somewhat hurt on a daily basis each and every day.

I don't expect any answers from anyone but I just have to talk to someone, somehow. My husband just really doesn't understand and I think he wants to hold out hope that our son is just so busy on his graduate work that he doesn't have time to contact us. My answer is that there is always time commuting, time waiting in lines or while eating lunch to text. Someone shared with me the other day that one meaning of busy is "Bound By Satan's Yoke". That we use busy (all of us) to find ways to not do what God would want us to do, which in some of our cases is our children not communicating or treating their parents correctly. I have rambled long enough. Thanks.

lindajoan 02/07/2015

whymom, It is hard for us to have EC who desire no contact. It is even difficult when our children leave home and the communication from them is almost nothing. Less communication from grown children is normal. It is hard to pin them down and it must come from them. We all understand and you are not alone here. At times, people have found temporary Christisn ciunseling helpful to gain insights. Our DHs often do not understsnd and are often dealing with the hurt themselves in a different way.

The one thing I have come to realize more and more is that our only real help comes from the Lord. He alone can fill our emptiness and heal our aching hearts. Whether it is spending time with God or attending a good Bible Study or prayer group it can help us focus on Him. We can not change our EC but God can. This is not His plan for families. It must make Him sad, too.

Some days are so difficult especially special days and holidays. Please join us here often. We need one another because we understand. God bless you and each wonderful mother, here.

deleted_user 02/07/2015

You are not alone. My ES also quite suddenly decided that he wanted no contact with me. Previous to him going to college in another state, my ES and his then-girlfriend and I had attended the same church together for more than 2 years, and had coffee together after church every Sunday, and I got to learn everything that was going on with them, and ask questions, and have my questions answered. I had worked hard to gain my ES's then-girlfriend's trust, and when he was on shipboard, she and I would go to church together and have coffee after, just the 2 of us. They then moved to another state to attend college. 2 years into that, my now DIL suddenly decided I had done something to hurt her, and make her not trust me at all any longer, and she just basically stopped having contact with me and anyone else in my ES's family of origin. My ES went along with her, and completely defended her position, and then adopted it. My ES has always been very poor at communicating, or prioritizing, so when my now-DIL stopped communicating with me, and totally blocked me on Facebook, I very suddenly had NO information about my son and then-girlfriend, or their lives. It was a tremendous shock, and it laid me so low, I was SO not expecting it, I went into severe depression, that I am only now, with the help of a therapist, coming out of it. I have a close friend who says she cannot understand why my ES had to cut the apron strings so short. But yes, it is terrible when your own child, who you raised with Christian values, suddenly decides that you, his mother is worth nothing, and that he will do anything to avoid sharing himself or his life with you. And I too, really suffered from empty nest syndrome, and tremendous grief at the loss of those important relationships, too. I was utterly unprepared for it, didn't expect it or have some sense beforehand it would happen, I was just blindsided, and just sort of had to learn through tremendous pain and grief how to grow used to it, and accept it as the new normal. At the time it first started, many of my friends told me all young men do this, they switch their allegiance to their GF or wives, and HER family, and suddenly the ES's mother becomes less than human in their eyes. But for a long time, knowing that it happened to other people, didn't help me at all. To some degree, time passing, as you adjust. I returned to the church where my ES was very active in Youth Group from age 13- age 21, the church that my now ES and I attended together for more than ten years. The people at this church, now my current church, knew me as a mother, and knew my ES for many years as he grew up. None of them can fathom his current behavior, and he has also completely broken off relationships with his Youth Pastor there, who was like a father to him, after I divorced, and my husband, my ES's father, moved out of state; and my ES also has no contact with any of the other young adults who were in that tight Youth Group, where they all were for over 10 years together. So, I feel like not only is the old adage true: A son is your son until he takes a wife, a daughter is your daughter for the rest of your life. Not only is that true, but ALSO, today's young adults are a new breed, a new epidemic, that I think can only come from the Devil. Sorry to go on so long. But yes, I have felt your pain, and I know how painful and difficult it is. Prayers and hugs to you.

lindajoan 02/07/2015

Erin, Very sorry for this sad life experience you have had. It is so much from the enemy and is sin. In our case, our ED is the one who estranged not our sons. It seems the enemy works in girls and guys. It must not be easy for you to attend the same church. It is not easy for me to attend where our ED was so involved.

God bless each one.

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