CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
I am in a bit of a dilemma and was wondering what your suggestions might be.
Our ES is getting married in two months. He apologized for his bad behavior towards us a few months ago after getting engaged. He said that "it wasn't worth it to him anymore" to be on bad terms with us. Not so much that he had hurt us, notice. He wasn't getting anything from the relationship. He has a history of making nice with us when he wants something. So we found his apology timing a bit suspect but we accepted it and have been working very carefully and slowly at communicating again. We don't want to say or do the wrong thing and set him off again.
Meanwhile, we received the wedding invites this week. We were named as parents, which was lovely, but there is no mention of a rehearsal dinner or an invite for one. We haven't offered $ towards the wedding because frankly we didn't think he deserved it after what has gone on in even the last year and we felt he only apologized to us so we would chip in to the wedding. But we don't want to diss the new bride and her family. If we ask about the rehearsal we may as well just sign ourselves up to pay for it right then because it seems that is what is being waited for. DH's response when I told him there is no invite to the rehearsal was "good, then we don't have to pay for it."
It might sound like "taking the high road" to offer to pay for it but I think we will feel used and it will be a lot of money. It is a very big wedding and it will easily be a lot of people for a dinner. I hate to assume other people's financial situations but from what I gather this wedding isn't a hardship for her family.
I won't go into all the history with our ES here, it is too long, but go easy on me folks! It has been a long hard road just to get to this. Thanks!
Our ES is getting married in two months. He apologized for his bad behavior towards us a few months ago after getting engaged. He said that "it wasn't worth it to him anymore" to be on bad terms with us. Not so much that he had hurt us, notice. He wasn't getting anything from the relationship. He has a history of making nice with us when he wants something. So we found his apology timing a bit suspect but we accepted it and have been working very carefully and slowly at communicating again. We don't want to say or do the wrong thing and set him off again.
Meanwhile, we received the wedding invites this week. We were named as parents, which was lovely, but there is no mention of a rehearsal dinner or an invite for one. We haven't offered $ towards the wedding because frankly we didn't think he deserved it after what has gone on in even the last year and we felt he only apologized to us so we would chip in to the wedding. But we don't want to diss the new bride and her family. If we ask about the rehearsal we may as well just sign ourselves up to pay for it right then because it seems that is what is being waited for. DH's response when I told him there is no invite to the rehearsal was "good, then we don't have to pay for it."
It might sound like "taking the high road" to offer to pay for it but I think we will feel used and it will be a lot of money. It is a very big wedding and it will easily be a lot of people for a dinner. I hate to assume other people's financial situations but from what I gather this wedding isn't a hardship for her family.
I won't go into all the history with our ES here, it is too long, but go easy on me folks! It has been a long hard road just to get to this. Thanks!
I don't know how involved the couple are in planning their own wedding. I hope it is not the case with your son, but I have found such sensitivity with my own dd when she got married and I did things with good intentions and then had my actions misinterpreted. Weddings and new babies seem to come with lots of thoughts and plans and sensitive issues that we aren't always aware of.
Prayers for God's wisdom as you seek Him in your decision-making regarding your son's wedding and all other areas. I also pray this wedding will be a positive turning point in your relationship with your son and future daughter-in-law.
When my girlfriend's son got married, his fiance invited her soon-to-be MIL along. So I thought that was just the way it was.
Since I have 2 sons, it was nice to be a part of my niece's pickings.
So, when my son got engaged, my DH and I said we would give them a certain amount of money and suggested they look at this one great bakery for their cake. We said we would meet them there. We told the baker we were just enjoying watching them pick out what they wanted. My DIL took that as intruding and thus began the estrangement.
We reconnected with my DH has cancer and since then she has brought up the wedding and said she thought I was trying to run her wedding. I have tried to explain that isn't the way it was but she is head strong.
I guess looking back we should have written them a check and then sat back and waited for the wedding day. But who would have known?
When my DD got married she had a destination wedding. His family paid for it. Everyone who traveled paid their own expenses. I paid for the reception here.
After the rehersal my SIL family had pizza for everyone in their hotel room (due to problems with room assigned they got moved up to a large suite). They just assumed everyone would know they were going to plan something. Really nice people, just bad communication.
That's why make sure you're communicating with everyone and be specific what you're willing to do
I agree with Feelinghel's thoughts on "Communication". Regarding the type of rehearsal dinner you chose, I would just tell the bride's mom what her daughter suggested and that you went with it. She's the bride and you wanted to please her. I felt bad when you asked "Am I in trouble now?" To avoid wondering, just be truthful with everything. You don't have to spend hours on the phone, just make sure mother of the bride understands what happened. She sounds like the type of person who probably won't even care, but you will feel better.
Even if the worst scenario happens and when the wedding is over, your son gets crazy again. You and your dh will know that you did the right thing as parents of the groom. You are trying so hard to please and I know God will honor your actions. Now, get a pretty dress and look great and enjoy the wedding.
I have another question! In my first conversation with the mom (where we offered the rehearsal meal) I also asked about the dress I should wear. She gave me a specific color and length, now who do I go back to to make sure my choice is ok, mom or bride?! There are so many shades of this color and any number of them can look close to white esp. in a photo. Makes me very nervous, what if it looks too bridal to the bride?! I don't know either well enough to feel more comfortable asking one over the other. I would feel more in common with the mom of course but should I be asking the bride? Although this is our second wedding in months there was not another mother in the other wedding so I didn't have to navigate that. And, I was specifically told by that bride NOT to wear this color! I know you all have been through a lot of weddings and it seems like some of the relationship issues started at that time. Now I'm in the middle of it and dreadfully aware that I could be making my future a nightmare with every new thing that pops up. Decades later I still remember that my MIL chose my wedding gown, yes, she chose it, I'll never forget that. She probably has no clue how much it affected me. Weddings seem to be so loaded with issues that don't go away. Lord help us all.