CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

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chocolatecat 02/13/2016

I am in a bit of a dilemma and was wondering what your suggestions might be.
Our ES is getting married in two months. He apologized for his bad behavior towards us a few months ago after getting engaged. He said that "it wasn't worth it to him anymore" to be on bad terms with us. Not so much that he had hurt us, notice. He wasn't getting anything from the relationship. He has a history of making nice with us when he wants something. So we found his apology timing a bit suspect but we accepted it and have been working very carefully and slowly at communicating again. We don't want to say or do the wrong thing and set him off again.
Meanwhile, we received the wedding invites this week. We were named as parents, which was lovely, but there is no mention of a rehearsal dinner or an invite for one. We haven't offered $ towards the wedding because frankly we didn't think he deserved it after what has gone on in even the last year and we felt he only apologized to us so we would chip in to the wedding. But we don't want to diss the new bride and her family. If we ask about the rehearsal we may as well just sign ourselves up to pay for it right then because it seems that is what is being waited for. DH's response when I told him there is no invite to the rehearsal was "good, then we don't have to pay for it."
It might sound like "taking the high road" to offer to pay for it but I think we will feel used and it will be a lot of money. It is a very big wedding and it will easily be a lot of people for a dinner. I hate to assume other people's financial situations but from what I gather this wedding isn't a hardship for her family.
I won't go into all the history with our ES here, it is too long, but go easy on me folks! It has been a long hard road just to get to this. Thanks!

poodlegirl61 02/13/2016

I am the last person to give good advice, but this is what happened to us.... The daughter in law was mean and nasty to us from the beginning, and just flat out bizarre and crazy. Our son would run to us, crying, asking for help on how to get away from her, we would commiserate and he would run back to her. This went on for months! Finally imagine our shock and disgust when he says they are getting married and he expects this bug huge wedding and for us to help! We were bewildered and even asked him did he have amnesia? I mean the very week before he was saying he was scared of her and how crazy and violent she was! He then became furious with us and acted like none of it ever happened and we were the bad guys. We were honest with him and said giving him money for the wedding was like giving him bullets to shoot himself with. Then she would get on facebook and call us every name in the book, and the next day call me up all sweet trying to get money! So, so crazy! Anyway, when they realized we were not paying for the wedding, which was her third one by the way, as she was 31 and he was 23, they uninvited us. So none of us even went. I do not regret it.

poodlegirl61 02/13/2016

I should also add that it was at that point, when my son acted like he had no memory of the episodes before, it was then I realized that he also had some sort of mental problems.

Norske1 02/13/2016

As you know, our estrangement from our son lasted 7 years. During the wedding prep, they(she) wanted us to give them $10,000 for a destination wedding to Hawaii which would pay for her family to go as well. We said no. Then her step mom said we should give them $6,000. We said we would give them money after the invitations went out because I was, in my mind, believing once they got the money our guests would not be included.

They didn't invite any of our friends to the wedding; invited Al and me and my sister and her family. We were a group of about 20 and the rest of the guests, 175, were her family. Our group was seated off to the side at the reception; we were not invited to their groom's dinner because she told me SHE would decide where it was to be, not me. I reminded her of proper etiquette says the groom's parents pay for the dinner, pick the place, and all she has to do is say thank you.

After the wedding, my son told me that all he wanted was for us to give them the $10,000 and then not see them until the wedding day.

Had we given them the money, would we not have had 7 years of estrangement? I truly don't know. All our family and friends say it wouldn't have mattered.

If you want, you could consider giving them a dollar amount. My friends have given their sons a set amount, like $3,000, toward the wedding and tell them that is all they can afford. Perhaps you look them both in the eye and ask them if they were treated like they are treating you, would they seriously give money to whoever treats them badly.

Blessings to you as you walk this dreaded path.

faith304 02/13/2016

I would take it one day at a time, one step at a time. You accepted his apology, forgive, and go on. I would not do or offer anything more then he requests. To jump in and try to offer $ would tend to make you always wonder what his motive was in apologizing. I fell in that trap and believe me, you don't want to go there. I would be skeptical too! EC seem to be very manipulative, selfish. The fact he did not consider the hurt he has caused would be indication he is thinking of himself especially, the wedding being 2 months away. He said it wasn't worth it to him anymore............Maybe he has considered the price he is going to pay by the embarrassment of not having his parents attend along with not having his parents pay the traditional costs of the rehearsal dinner? We wouldn't want him to feel any of the emotions we have felt would we? I am an advocate of unconditional love, but sometimes "tough" love teaches better lessons.

chocolatecat 02/13/2016

These are all very helpful, thank you! Feels like a minefield ahead of us to navigate.
We actually like the girl our ES is marrying. She is a very nice Christian girl and has been very kind to us. It is our ES we aren't too crazy about still. Sad to say we don't know what she sees in him. Got engaged at 3 months of dating. That's why we waited for invites to go out before we considered doing something in case they postponed, etc.

lindajoan 02/13/2016

Chocolate, I was wondering why you felt there was not an invite to the Rehearsal dinner? Was there a dinner mentioned already? I do think it was nice that your names were mentioned as parents on the invite. Sadly I have seen grooms parents left off of the invitation for no reason. Traditionally, the groom's parents host the Rehearsal dinner. We did for our 2 married sons. We did not go overboard in venue and the Bridal party and close relatives were included. These 2 sons were never estranged. Every situation is different. You should not feel that you are obligated to do it. If you feel led your son would probably appreciate it. After talking to your DH about it are you both in agreement on what to do? Saying a prayer that you will have a clear direction from the Lord.

chocolatecat 02/13/2016

linda - I guess we assumed that there "has to be" a dinner of some sort after the rehearsal whether or not we are involved in it. There was no mention of it in the invitation or a separate paper/invite. The kids haven't asked or said anything about it. The wedding itself is a brunch. There will be at least 100+ for a rehearsal for this wedding - large family & lots of out of towners. I can see the rehearsal dinner being nearly the amount as the wedding brunch in cost and I feel like we will have no say in who is invited. We were not asked who we wanted invited to the wedding. I thought we might just send a check to her parents if they had mentioned a rehearsal but now I'm not sure. We have never met or spoken, live 1,000 miles away and have never been to their city. Would be tough for us to "host" or plan one at all, or really, it would be a lot of effort for us to host/plan and we don't really feel the "passion" to do that considering how exhausted we are from dealing with our ES.

lindajoan 02/13/2016

Chocolate, I understand. You live far away. My married sons live close by. That gets complicated to plan. Your son did not ask for a list of relatives and close friends you would like included? Not many may go the distance but they would like to at least be invited to the wedding I'm sure. I have never heard of a Rehearsal dinner that included so many. With all this in mind, if you and DH feel led to bring it up you could offer some help. Do you think he would mind if you did not offer?

Sommersmom 02/13/2016

This is a very difficult situation for you, and I pray The Lord guides you through it. Our EC's weddings can be very challenging, and difficult to know how to handle.

My ED and her fiance came to me 11 years ago, (during a time when she wasn't speaking to her dad,) and told me she was pregnant. Her fiance told me he'd checked with his new employer, and was told that if they married within two weeks, my dtr. could be added to his insurance policy, and the pregnancy would be covered. Thanksgiving was only a few days away, and we all decided to turn it into a small wedding. We put a little wedding together as quickly as possible, and they were married on Thanksgiving day.

When she and her dad began speaking again, she told him she hated what we did, and he and his new wife gave them an expensive, no holds barred formal wedding with reception 1200 miles away from where we lived. The photos of the wedding were lovely. It was hurtful that I wish I had given her such a lovely wedding, but I was trying to hurry the process so she could be insured.

The irony is, that my selfish, immature daughter, confessed several months later, she didn't care for that wedding either, and wanted a third wedding, where she would pick everything out start to finish, and asked me to pay for it! I told her I was sorry, but I felt two weddings within a years time was quite enough. I had been financially helping them this entire time, and couldn't actually afford such a wedding on my own at the time.

I know mine wasn't a similar situation, but all the posts brought back those crazy memories!

chocolatecat 02/13/2016

I should add that in a perfect circumstance we would have called her parents at least when they were engaged and also offered to do the rehearsal dinner, maybe even contribute to the honeymoon if we were feeling generous. But we have tried to keep a distance and our mouths shut because we don't know what the heck their daughter is thinking marrying our son! Terrible, I know. And they adore him it seems, which means he has been really laying it on thick with them. I'm afraid if we have much communication with them now we will say something about him and then really blow things up. Were hoping they could see the red flags in all of this but I'm afraid that he has either painted us in a negative light or schmoozed them a lot.

lindajoan 02/13/2016

You and DH will do what you believe the Lord would lead you to do for your son in this case. Never an easy decision. Please keep us updated.

chocolatecat 02/13/2016

DH and I went for coffee and decided to offer her parents our help. Wrote them just now and left it kind of vague so they can tell us what or if they want help with something. Hope this helps and doesn't make our situation worse. I wonder in the future if our ECs will help us out when we need/want it......Hasn't been our experience so far but I guess the future could be different. Thanks for all of your stories and help. This is truly a very tricky time of life for many. Please continue to share, it is helping me to know what the possibilities are. I never would have imagined some of these!

lindajoan 02/13/2016

Praise God! You and DH are following God's leading no matter what others have done or how they will react. May God bless you for it.

chocolatecat 02/13/2016

Thanks lindajoan - I forgot to say that we also just did this for our other ES. After wedding we have only had two texts from him, one "Happy Thxgiving" and one "Merry Christmas". No reply to others and moved without telling us recently. Nothing changed, was temporarily polite to get what he wanted. Could easily happen again with this one. When I think of what this $ could do for people in need it makes me question everything.

lindajoan 02/14/2016

I remember the wedding of your other son. I am so sorry that he reacted this way. Only God can change their hearts. It is very difficult for us good parents who have given so much to our EC.

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