CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
First, I just want to say that I'm thankful to the Lord for support such as this. It's so difficult to maintain boundaries when judgment from others abounds (even from myself) when it comes to parent/adult children relationships. You all know this so well.
My two oldest-- daughter (23) and son (21) from my first marriage are the difficult relationships I deal with. I remarried and became a Christian when they were 8 and 6 years old. They still had visitation with their father who never wanted to discipline and pretty much spoiled them rotten. Surely, I made mistakes, but I did my best to be honest with them, asking their forgiveness when I wronged them.
When my daughter graduated and moved 2 hours away she dove into darkness as quick as she could. I'm no dummy. I somewhat expected mistakes-- I know peer pressure--loneliness--temptations-- these things are hard and I totally understand the need to support one another. But she had no struggle with temptation at all-- she wallows in sin and basically denies things that she used to claim she believed.
She has "married" another woman. They brought some man into this thing to impregnate the other woman so they now have a little girl. They post photo after photo on Facebook and basically insist that everyone accept this as a normal family. "My wife this and my wife that…" Anyone who doesn't accept it is "unloving".
I was supposed to step in and play the role of grandma as though all was right & well. Ughhhh.
She told me that I was "supposed to be there for [her] no matter what because that's what mother's do." I pleaded with her to realize the consequences of her choices that would follow these mistakes. I told her that she was in need of salvation and that I believed their actions were literally molesting the mind of this innocent child. All she talks about is how this disrespects *her*. I can't even send her a card without offending her--because it won't have her married name on it.
Anyway, there is next to no contact. I'm always wondering what I should do, but it really steals from those at my home that I'm responsible for right now. My husband and I have two younger sons--13 & 11. They are very disturbed by her lifestyle and don't like my involvement in it.
I know that we should extend grace, but at the same time, we are warned not to cast pearls before swine or give what is holy to dogs or they will turn and tear us to pieces. I want to be sure that I am responding in the right way to her. It's difficult when so many voices push you this way & that.
Please know it is the sin I hate. I do get angry with my daughter for her selfishness and arrogance and hate her ugly attitudes, but I don't hate her. I am just so sick of being judged (even by some Christians!) for not accepting her homosexual relationship-- I do hate that I'm persecuted for protecting the little ones involved (my younger sons at home) and that little girl they've brought into this. What about love for them?
I can't reconcile with this. I'm not suppose to force Christianity on anyone (nor do I want to), so why should homosexuality be forced on me?
In all of this-- I would like to make an important point… Why should we treat our own sons & daughters better than we would strangers? If we listen to those same people (who bash us for estrangement from our adult children) you'll often find that they may show (seeming) loyalty to their children, but they could deny a stranger in need in a heartbeat. Their "loyalty" means nothing if it's self-serving. Loyalty to God is what counts. We have to stand for what's right, not for "our blood." In the end, I believe this is the most loving thing we can do for our children and everyone.
My two oldest-- daughter (23) and son (21) from my first marriage are the difficult relationships I deal with. I remarried and became a Christian when they were 8 and 6 years old. They still had visitation with their father who never wanted to discipline and pretty much spoiled them rotten. Surely, I made mistakes, but I did my best to be honest with them, asking their forgiveness when I wronged them.
When my daughter graduated and moved 2 hours away she dove into darkness as quick as she could. I'm no dummy. I somewhat expected mistakes-- I know peer pressure--loneliness--temptations-- these things are hard and I totally understand the need to support one another. But she had no struggle with temptation at all-- she wallows in sin and basically denies things that she used to claim she believed.
She has "married" another woman. They brought some man into this thing to impregnate the other woman so they now have a little girl. They post photo after photo on Facebook and basically insist that everyone accept this as a normal family. "My wife this and my wife that…" Anyone who doesn't accept it is "unloving".
I was supposed to step in and play the role of grandma as though all was right & well. Ughhhh.
She told me that I was "supposed to be there for [her] no matter what because that's what mother's do." I pleaded with her to realize the consequences of her choices that would follow these mistakes. I told her that she was in need of salvation and that I believed their actions were literally molesting the mind of this innocent child. All she talks about is how this disrespects *her*. I can't even send her a card without offending her--because it won't have her married name on it.
Anyway, there is next to no contact. I'm always wondering what I should do, but it really steals from those at my home that I'm responsible for right now. My husband and I have two younger sons--13 & 11. They are very disturbed by her lifestyle and don't like my involvement in it.
I know that we should extend grace, but at the same time, we are warned not to cast pearls before swine or give what is holy to dogs or they will turn and tear us to pieces. I want to be sure that I am responding in the right way to her. It's difficult when so many voices push you this way & that.
Please know it is the sin I hate. I do get angry with my daughter for her selfishness and arrogance and hate her ugly attitudes, but I don't hate her. I am just so sick of being judged (even by some Christians!) for not accepting her homosexual relationship-- I do hate that I'm persecuted for protecting the little ones involved (my younger sons at home) and that little girl they've brought into this. What about love for them?
I can't reconcile with this. I'm not suppose to force Christianity on anyone (nor do I want to), so why should homosexuality be forced on me?
In all of this-- I would like to make an important point… Why should we treat our own sons & daughters better than we would strangers? If we listen to those same people (who bash us for estrangement from our adult children) you'll often find that they may show (seeming) loyalty to their children, but they could deny a stranger in need in a heartbeat. Their "loyalty" means nothing if it's self-serving. Loyalty to God is what counts. We have to stand for what's right, not for "our blood." In the end, I believe this is the most loving thing we can do for our children and everyone.
I am NOT saying your daughter's marriage is okay. But I will say this. I married an unbeliever. My parents were brokenhearted. My father told my mom he was not coming to our wedding. But you know what? He did. He changed his mind. My parents lived out a Jesus lifestyle in front of my family and my children. My estranged daughter -- the one person she will say "I love you" to is my mother - her grandma.
My daughter moved out the day she turned 18 and in with an older man who we didn't even know about - who she met at work. She loved the Lord - she no longer does. She is living in sin and she knows that we know. She has been secretive and lying and deceptive long before she left. The sin is just a manifestation of a heart condition, as is your daughter's. They have an "identity" crisis. When we truly understand our identity in Christ -- we truly want to follow Him!
Am I making any sense? I'm not saying you need to "congratulate" her and pretend it's okay but if there is any way you can be a grandma to the little one - who's going to show her Jesus if you don't?
I recently saw Heidi Baker talk about how she was ministering to a group of children in Mozambique and a man was trying to solicit young girls with alcohol. A righteous anger rose up on her and she heard the voice of Jesus "Where's your love for that man?" She said "I have no more love to give!" The Lord said "You do now". She walked up and embraced the man and said "Your father - daddy - He loves you". The man gave his heart to the Lord.
You...and we also...are in a tough place. My daughter knows we are devastated by her lifestyle choice. But if we're not going to show them Jesus, who will?
You have to set healthy boundaries and make is so that they understand you do not approve. IF they call that "hate" and cut you off, well then, then you have done all you can do.
If instead they still want to part of the little one's life....you have an amazing missions opportunity to hold that little one and be a prayer warrior for her. Some children later come to Jesus simply because there was a grandma who shows them the Father's love. At some point their relationship may crumble and you can be there to show them that Jesus loves them- salvation has made many a person instantly healed from a lifestyle of sin.
This is tough - I am praying for you.