CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
First, I just want to say that I'm thankful to the Lord for support such as this. It's so difficult to maintain boundaries when judgment from others abounds (even from myself) when it comes to parent/adult children relationships. You all know this so well.
My two oldest-- daughter (23) and son (21) from my first marriage are the difficult relationships I deal with. I remarried and became a Christian when they were 8 and 6 years old. They still had visitation with their father who never wanted to discipline and pretty much spoiled them rotten. Surely, I made mistakes, but I did my best to be honest with them, asking their forgiveness when I wronged them.
When my daughter graduated and moved 2 hours away she dove into darkness as quick as she could. I'm no dummy. I somewhat expected mistakes-- I know peer pressure--loneliness--temptations-- these things are hard and I totally understand the need to support one another. But she had no struggle with temptation at all-- she wallows in sin and basically denies things that she used to claim she believed.
She has "married" another woman. They brought some man into this thing to impregnate the other woman so they now have a little girl. They post photo after photo on Facebook and basically insist that everyone accept this as a normal family. "My wife this and my wife that…" Anyone who doesn't accept it is "unloving".
I was supposed to step in and play the role of grandma as though all was right & well. Ughhhh.
She told me that I was "supposed to be there for [her] no matter what because that's what mother's do." I pleaded with her to realize the consequences of her choices that would follow these mistakes. I told her that she was in need of salvation and that I believed their actions were literally molesting the mind of this innocent child. All she talks about is how this disrespects *her*. I can't even send her a card without offending her--because it won't have her married name on it.
Anyway, there is next to no contact. I'm always wondering what I should do, but it really steals from those at my home that I'm responsible for right now. My husband and I have two younger sons--13 & 11. They are very disturbed by her lifestyle and don't like my involvement in it.
I know that we should extend grace, but at the same time, we are warned not to cast pearls before swine or give what is holy to dogs or they will turn and tear us to pieces. I want to be sure that I am responding in the right way to her. It's difficult when so many voices push you this way & that.
Please know it is the sin I hate. I do get angry with my daughter for her selfishness and arrogance and hate her ugly attitudes, but I don't hate her. I am just so sick of being judged (even by some Christians!) for not accepting her homosexual relationship-- I do hate that I'm persecuted for protecting the little ones involved (my younger sons at home) and that little girl they've brought into this. What about love for them?
I can't reconcile with this. I'm not suppose to force Christianity on anyone (nor do I want to), so why should homosexuality be forced on me?
In all of this-- I would like to make an important point… Why should we treat our own sons & daughters better than we would strangers? If we listen to those same people (who bash us for estrangement from our adult children) you'll often find that they may show (seeming) loyalty to their children, but they could deny a stranger in need in a heartbeat. Their "loyalty" means nothing if it's self-serving. Loyalty to God is what counts. We have to stand for what's right, not for "our blood." In the end, I believe this is the most loving thing we can do for our children and everyone.
My two oldest-- daughter (23) and son (21) from my first marriage are the difficult relationships I deal with. I remarried and became a Christian when they were 8 and 6 years old. They still had visitation with their father who never wanted to discipline and pretty much spoiled them rotten. Surely, I made mistakes, but I did my best to be honest with them, asking their forgiveness when I wronged them.
When my daughter graduated and moved 2 hours away she dove into darkness as quick as she could. I'm no dummy. I somewhat expected mistakes-- I know peer pressure--loneliness--temptations-- these things are hard and I totally understand the need to support one another. But she had no struggle with temptation at all-- she wallows in sin and basically denies things that she used to claim she believed.
She has "married" another woman. They brought some man into this thing to impregnate the other woman so they now have a little girl. They post photo after photo on Facebook and basically insist that everyone accept this as a normal family. "My wife this and my wife that…" Anyone who doesn't accept it is "unloving".
I was supposed to step in and play the role of grandma as though all was right & well. Ughhhh.
She told me that I was "supposed to be there for [her] no matter what because that's what mother's do." I pleaded with her to realize the consequences of her choices that would follow these mistakes. I told her that she was in need of salvation and that I believed their actions were literally molesting the mind of this innocent child. All she talks about is how this disrespects *her*. I can't even send her a card without offending her--because it won't have her married name on it.
Anyway, there is next to no contact. I'm always wondering what I should do, but it really steals from those at my home that I'm responsible for right now. My husband and I have two younger sons--13 & 11. They are very disturbed by her lifestyle and don't like my involvement in it.
I know that we should extend grace, but at the same time, we are warned not to cast pearls before swine or give what is holy to dogs or they will turn and tear us to pieces. I want to be sure that I am responding in the right way to her. It's difficult when so many voices push you this way & that.
Please know it is the sin I hate. I do get angry with my daughter for her selfishness and arrogance and hate her ugly attitudes, but I don't hate her. I am just so sick of being judged (even by some Christians!) for not accepting her homosexual relationship-- I do hate that I'm persecuted for protecting the little ones involved (my younger sons at home) and that little girl they've brought into this. What about love for them?
I can't reconcile with this. I'm not suppose to force Christianity on anyone (nor do I want to), so why should homosexuality be forced on me?
In all of this-- I would like to make an important point… Why should we treat our own sons & daughters better than we would strangers? If we listen to those same people (who bash us for estrangement from our adult children) you'll often find that they may show (seeming) loyalty to their children, but they could deny a stranger in need in a heartbeat. Their "loyalty" means nothing if it's self-serving. Loyalty to God is what counts. We have to stand for what's right, not for "our blood." In the end, I believe this is the most loving thing we can do for our children and everyone.
My point is, unless the child is in real danger you are likely best to let them work it out on their own. If the child is in danger for some reason, even then, your action might backfire on you.
For myself, although the estrangement has been the most difficult thing I've even gone through in my life, if there is a possibility that my reporting to CPS made him wake up and change his ways, my own distress has been worth it, for the sake of those children.
Now I'm rambling... it's early here and I haven't finished my coffee yet. ;-)
Lindajoan- THANK YOU for your thoughtful, biblical encouragement.
gordos4- I also have had to deal with an alcoholic father and fully understand the great suffering involved-- I'm still trying to heal from it… Even so, I agree that your comment was flippant- sorry. It's never a good idea to minimize suffering that you aren't really acquainted with or believe that this or that would be better or worse. When your conscience is constantly violated by someone's sexual immorality it isn't a pleasant experience. I've taken plenty of thoughtless comments and surely given them as well, so no grudges here. =)
A grandmother - I struggle with ordering my thoughts, so I apologize if I've been confusing in any way. But, I don't "meddle" in their lives at all. I have totally backed out of involvement. I refuse to participate in evil, and the destruction of the lives involved. I have stated the danger to their souls & lives-- as well as the love that God has for them, and that my door is always open when she chooses to walk in the light rather than dragging us all into the darkness with her. I have backed off, knowing that the battle is the Lords. Sometimes that's just a hard position to hold when you feel like you should be doing something--sometimes by the pressure of others. I know you all understand this struggle so well.
Thank you all for your time. =)
I understand your concerns about your grandchild. I'm sure your daughter is a good mother, though, and that the child is in no danger.
If your daughter is legally married there isn't anything you can do about it. Pray for your gd (and she is legally your gd) that she finds the truth some day. If you have a relationship with her it will be easier when she's older and has questions. Pray also for your daughter and her wife to come to know Christ.
We all struggle with some sin. We shouldn't be rejected over any sin. God calls us to love the sinner. You have younger sons that you'll discuss what a proper relationship from the Bible is. They'll listen to you.
You didn't mention why you're estranged from your older son.
I'm in a similar situation with my daughter. There is so much pain in any estrangement, but I simply can't handle the pain of my daughter telling me she's gay. She was raised in a Christian home, she graduated from a Christian high school, she was a youth leader, she worked at a Christian camp. We have a nephew who announced he was gay several years ago and we discussed homosexuality at length in our home. Then she went off to college (and supposedly a Christian college) and she became a completely different person. She started smoking, drinking and then suddenly announced she's gay. She was such a beautiful young woman, but she cut off all her hair and wears boys clothes. The only way I've been able to deal with this is to think of it as her getting pulled in by a cult. Since she won't listen to me, her dad or her siblings, I pray constantly that someone will come into her life and bring her back to the Lord. Will I accept her homosexual lifestyle? No. Can I have a meaningful relationship with her when she's involved in this lifestyle? No. Can I hide my disgust over this behavior? No. I've tried, but I can't.
I know another mom in our situation. You are not alone. When I'm overwhelmed and I can't even pray for my daughter, I pray for this other woman's daughter. I'll start praying for your daughter too.
I wrote down a quote but don't remember where I got it from "We do not affirm what the Bible says is wrong simply because someone we love is drawn towards sin. God calls us to holiness." God loves all and there are many examples of people who have left this sin and come to the Lord. Hopefully yours will too. People look at our ED and often assume she is gay. As of now she's not made any such declaration but I someday I may be in your shoes. Blessings and prayers for wisdom for you.
Many people will judge us for separating from those who want to walk in darkness (honestly I don't understand why these folks would be on a discussion board about support for estrangement?) Anyway, when someone generalizes my situation, saying that I should just realize that we all struggle with sin and I should just be more understanding, etc…
I like to use that same line of reasoning in a situation where a person may struggle with pedophilia. Would I react that way in this case, saying Ohhh pedophilia is just such hard struggle for him? NO! For some reason we are growing more and more desensitized to homosexuality. Like it's no big deal really. It's considered a "lifestyle choice"--but we don't say that for thieves and liars and adulterers--saying oh--"Stealing is just a lifestyle choice." This is ridiculous. Consequences follow these choices. I will continue to be estranged from homosexuality because it is wrong--deliberate continued rebellion against God.
I have nothing at all against the innocent child brought into this, but she isn't my grandchild. This child has a father that she deserves to know, but he is nowhere to be seen in their "family portraits". My daughter and this woman are married and the state calls it "legal" but God does not change His laws to those of mans corrupt laws. Should I? I think I should follow the Lord's commands. I owe it to that little child to stand against the confusion that will result from her being selfishly denied a family as God designed it. They purposely brought another person into this perversion and it's wrong.
Someone asked about my oldest son. I didn't mention much about him because we aren't completely estranged and people moreso understand the need to keep that relationship at arm's length. He got involved with a drug called "spice". He has bizarre mental behaviors (especially paranoia) that greatly disturb us and he refuses to get help. I'm still in contact with him, it just isn't the closeness that I would like for it to be.
We have to remember that these children are grown adults that need to make their own way and experience the consequences of their choices. Sometimes the best thing we can do is let go. Again, I hope you all can look into that book I mentioned.
All our situations are difficult, and non of us have the right to judge how another is handling their own particular set of circumstances. We are all simply giving our opinions.
My daughter knows that she could come to me at any time-- that I love her always no matter what she has done. But she loves sin and darkness and doesn't want a relationship with me unless I "just accept it." I don't believe this is what Christians are called to do. It seems that this may be where I believe differently than some.
I love my daughter, but not only her. I want to do what is right for all involved. In the story of the prodigal--the father didn't chase the son. He let him go-- staying where he was, waiting for the son's return. I'm staying put too.
I had to separate from an emotionally abusive alcoholic father. I love him, but staying in the abuse won't change him. It was destroying me. He has lost SO MUCH because he chooses alcohol and self-pity and anger and blame above relationships with people who truly love him. I don't have to enter into that darkness anymore to supposedly "love & honor" him as he led me to believe. I was literally a slave to it for my entire life. I now have a family of my own to love and care for and protect. This is my responsibility.
I agree that our different perspectives are helpful for balancing one another because it's easy for me to run to extremes. I sincerely don't want to do that. It is truly a daily dependent walk with the Lord.