Ishallwearpurple, I totally understand. We so want to fall in love with those little miracles, but we hold them at a distance emotionally, worried they will be ripped from our lives, leaving another aching hole in our hearts.

It is unfair to us and also to our grandchildren who are missing out on a relationship with grandparents who love them dearly. So sad, and unfortunate.

CanadianMoth I thank you so much for reflecting the feelings I am experiencing. I felt so guilty about having them and decided to share them to see if others could empathise. Sometimes you feel so alone out there as if no-one understands. People I have shared my situation with sometimes look at me strangely and I wonder if they think there must be something wrong with me as a mother. But this is all a deep mystery to me and I still for the life of me can not fathom how things went so wrong.

I have a daughter-in-law who quite innocently drops news about my EC and I have not told her, but it cuts like a knife to hear everything second or third hand.

My eldest granddaughter is a well-known model now working in Milan and Paris. Sometimes I open a magazine and without any warning, come across her beautiful face looking at me from an advert. Oh it hurts so much. I saw her image in a shopfront window a couple of weeks ago and almost broke down there and then in the shopping centre. Her mother does not want me to have a relationship with any of her three children and yet, I was at this one's birth (c-section) and held her even before her mom my daughter did.

Will this nightmare ever end? Sometimes I wish for the release of pain through God taking me through a natural death if you know what I mean...and I am sure you do. The pain is just too great, too unexpected and so far from all the plans I had and the happy intact family we once all were.

The pain of losing or not being able to be in contact with a GC is so heartbreaking. I still spend part of my day in tears and of course in prayer. It must be especially difficult to open a magazine and see her face. My ES sends us pictures of him and "his new family" with reference that we are not included nor will we ever be. He always has the knife in our backs

Yes. Estrangement does something to us that is difficult to explain. We must fight for joy even in times that should be joyful.

God bless this new baby.

You know that God spoke to me when this little new granddaughter look into my eyes (at the age of 10 days) and tried to search out my inner soul with those innocent eyes that can only be straight from the hands of the creator - newly made - a miracle.
It was as is she was saying "Please - just LOVE me" with those eyes and with that, the bond was made despite my selfishness of not wanting to get close for fear of getting hurt again.
Sometimes we have to choose the path of love despite the pain love often brings - instead of building walls of protection around ourselves that no-one can eventually penetrate and keeping ourselves from all the love and joy in the world, we end up bitter, cynical and twisted - which God does not want of us.
I think in each of our cases, although we do not realise it due to the pain - God is busy growing our inner beauty so that we can truly empathise and touch others with our experiences and our willingness to love no matter what the ultimate cost. xXx

The greatest of these is Love as the Word says.

We all love our EC but not their sin the same way Jesus loves us. We are blessed that His love is unconditional. I think with our EC that there is also a time and a place for caution. We must ask God for His wisdom as to how to proceed. Sometimes we love from afar with prayer.

God bless you with this precious new life that God has brought to you.