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January 11
A MESSAGE TO ADULT CHILDREN who have abandoned their Parents
By Sharon A. Wildey
If you are an adult child who has abandoned your parent and you are reading this website you might have a flood of conflicting feelings ranging from outrage to shame. If you are so overwhelmed with these feelings that you cannot or will not consider that you could be wrong in abandoning them, then you should move on to a website that makes you feel better. If your feelings are so strong that reflection is not possible then you may want to consider some guidance and counseling. There are some excellent sources particularly those engaged in family systems counseling such as the Hellenger Institute in California. This website is not written for you and its perspective is not directed to you. However should you feel, on the subject of your parents, that some reflection might be of benefit to you then you may want to read on.
With that said the first and most important issue to consider is who informs you regarding your relationship with your parents. The major reason that adult children abandon their parents is the interference in that relationship by third parties. These third parties may be a parent divorced from the other, a spouse, or a religious organization. These third parties may have sent you negative messages from your childhood or it may have begun in your adult life. Nonetheless these messages are consistently negative and contain “spin” of the facts and events surrounding your relationship with your parents. It is done for sinister reasons of control and domination. It is intentional and homicidal. It is important to discern in life how we are informed and by whom because it is only then that we can truly seek our own truth. People who thrive on estrangement are more abundant than you know and they will, in a most genteel way, seek to dominate you by taking you away from those who have always been your friend. It is a kind of control and narcissism in people who perpetuate these social crimes.
A word of caution comes from Richard A. Gardner, MD who wrote a book titled “The Parental Alienation Syndrome”. Dr. Garner said “Only terminate your relationship with your parents in the most extreme of circumstances and only then after careful counseling and guidance from a professional.” Your entire identity is tied up in who they are, their historical systems and beliefs trouncing around your family history.
It is sometimes said that you are only truly free to be who you are once you have resolved the issues that your parents were not able to resolve. It is in a real sense the repayment for the gift of your life.
While it is important for you to process your relationship with your parents, hopefully with the help of a competent therapist specifically trained in alienation, it is just as important to immediately stop any abusive conduct or demeaning and humiliating language you habitually direct toward them. Stop hyper-criticalness and start communication. If the abuse is allowed to continue then at some point, you will not be able to reconcile with your parents. Your own vicious abuse and the lies you tell yourself will become a reality that will never leave you and you literally will live a lie the rest of your life. In the end if that parent dies before you have effected reconciliation then you live with this karma and unrecoverable grief the remainder of your life, scarring the generations to come after you. Nothing about an estranged relationship is static. The estrangement grows, intensifies and becomes irreconcilable not only for the abuser but also for the one abused. It expands itself to the extended family, to your own family and children and sometimes friends. It robs you of your happy memories. What was once an irritant becomes the basis for intense hatred and intense hatred is madness. The abused parent may suffer actual brain damage and early death as a result of your conduct. Two out of three alienated parents admit to suicidal thoughts.
If you have allowed your parents to just drift away without comment, begin to communicate in writing only in order to diminish the potential for anxiety. When anxiety appears try to figure out what it is telling you and why. Gentleness will go a long way in reversing the consequences of your behavior borne by your parents.
If you’re distancing yourself from your parents because of their mental illness or addictions, then seek help first with Alanon. These people are quite experienced at assisting family members with these issues. You may find that your relationship may need to be in writing or on the telephone or video internet for a time. Seek the advice of your parent’s therapist or your own if the parent is untreated. Just don’t run away at a time when your parent may need you the most. In these relationships a good bit of the success or failure has to do with setting healthy boundaries and you probably would need help from professionals to do that. In this situation kindness and compassion should be your companions.
If your estrangement from your parents is because you are too busy or they are not good enough or their behavior is embarrassing because you have moved up a notch on the social scale, then you have an ethical problem and you need to take a look at yourself and what kind of human being you are or want to be. The same would be true if the addictions are your own or if you have been unable to make your way in the world and you are ashamed. Seek help for your own addictions and for your ethical failings.
If you are overcome by your thoughts of rationalization, justification and believe without a doubt that your parents “deserve what they get”, then know that these are symptoms and not truths. You are being blinded by hate.
In all ways seek to resolve your relationships, seek to reverse the consequences of your actions and make yourself a better person. In a short form, live in love vs. hate and in all ways seek to not end up with regrets.