CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

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MrsHarlock1982 12/08/2014

So, I have posted my stories both on this board and in my support group. You probably know that both my oldest and youngest daughter's have been adopted to other families. Also, that I am estranged from my 2 middle daughter's. Recently, my ex husband contacted me stating that if I will agree to pay him $400 he would have his petition for contempt dismissed. Then he stated that if I paid $419/mo, from now until he marry's his girlfriend, and I terminate my parental rights, and consent to step parent adoption, he will make sure that the contempt petition is thrown away, as well as all past due child support is forgiven. At first, I agreed to terminating my parental rights and consenting to step parent adoption. Then, I decided to follow my heart and fight for my girls. Tonight, Justin emailed me stating that since I have not excerised my right to visitation, nor have I paid child support, along with the fact that I have caused Emotional Abuse to my children and was incarcarated for nearly 3 years (classified as a violent felonious offender) he could have my rights terminated. I spoke to an attorney last week who stated that the judge we are going in front of, won't terminate my rights without my consent. She herself has been in front of that judge on a much worse situation and because the mother said she wanted to get better and take care of her baby (the same mother who smoked crack and robbed a store at gunpoint, WITH HER CHILD IN HER ARMS) the judge refused to grant the petition for termination of her parental rights. That gave me inspiration to fight, but when I have tried to contact my daughter Savannah via KIK messenger, she has told me that she doesn't want me to contact her, and she wants nothing to do with me. On top of that, all the hurtful things that Justin has said to me recently, makes me wonder, should I just do what's best for my kids and terminate my parental rights and consent to the step parent adoption, since she's a better mother than I was?? And since, they don't want anything to do with me? I am so scared and confused... I don't know what to do. Part of me says fight til the bitter end, but the other part of me says why fight if they don't want anything to do with me? I feel like I have lost 4 pieces of ME. 4 babies that I carried inside of me and gave birth to, They are a part of me!!! I only pray that one day, they will want to know my side of the story, and want to get to know me. I know that I have made some major mistakes in regards to my children. They are things that I beat myself up over, DAILY!!! I cannot undo what I have done, but I have changed!!!! I am no longer on the drugs, I live a good, happy, healthy (except for the smoking cigarettes) lifestyle. What do I do??!!???

deleted_user 12/08/2014

MrsHartlock, I am sorry for what you have been through. We all have different situations and I don't know that any of us are qualified to give advice to others. It is wonderful that you have gotten your life back together. You should be very proud of that! As far as your children, I think you need to seek your own heart about that and do what you feel is right, both for yourself and your children. From my past experience, I would not speak directly with your ex-husband about these issues. They will often say one thing and do another, and will try to use put-downs and emotional abuse to manipulate.

Don't beat yourself up over the past--look only to the future and determine to make it as good as you possibly can.

lindajoan 12/08/2014

What a hard situation. How old are your children? Are there 4 young children? Do they all have the same father you mentioned? I would recommend getting professional advice and going to a Christian counselor for guidance. Everyone has things in their lives that they would redo if they could. God forgives and will give you the strength to move forward with a fresh start. Your precious children have been through so much. I know you want to do the best for them. In your first line you mentioned that they were adopted. If so, that is permanent.

We will pray for you. Please let us know how you are led by God.

feellinghelpless 12/08/2014

I have some hard questions for you, but they must be answered for you to make a decision. You don't have to answer them publicly. I may have misunderstood some of what you wrote too.
Why aren't you paying child support?
Why aren't you seeing your girls?
That could be the reason they don't want to see you. On the other hand didn't you mention Justin's on drugs? Are you sure the girls are safe there?
Thinking of those questions and praying will help.
Once your children become adult age even the ones who are adopted can be free to re-connect with their birth parents.
My niece had a mom who couldn't seem to know how to be a mom. When my brother got a divorce he got custody of their daughter. Her mom couldn't find the time to spend time with her and only took her to a movie on occasion where they didn't have to talk. My niece grew to hate her mom and my brother talked her into giving up her parental rights. I don't know if his new wife adopted her, but she sees her as her new mom. I'm hoping when she becomes an adult and her birth mom matures they'll re-connect.

chocolatecat 12/08/2014

Such a difficult situation, my heart goes out to you. I don't know what you should do for sure but I just wanted to share a thought as an adoptive mom. Our children were all adopted from a foreign country but we have the paper work of the court hearing when their bio mom lost her rights to them. This paper work is attached to their birth certificates. We keep this in a safe but will some day give each of our kids the originals. I have not given it to them yet, they also have not read it, because the wording from the court hearing says something to the effect that their bio mom did not go to the court hearing because she did not want them and does not need them. That will be a very tough thing for them to read some day and we just want them to be emotionally secure before they read it. However, we wish it did not say that at all. Our kids are adults now and understand that adult life can be difficult and probably have a bit more sympathy for their bio mom now than they did as children. I'm pretty sure they would love to read that she fought for them or at least that she turned up at court to try. I'm not saying that is what you should do but just keep in mind that whatever you do in regard to custody and the court will be on record and they will be able to read it in the future. Maybe there is a way to make a statement that you love your daughters dearly but want what is best for them for the time being (if that is the way you feel or what you want to do)?? That would be valuable for them to read in the future. Just some thoughts, but honestly it is such tough situation for you I'm sure. Seek the Lord. Blessings.

MrsHarlock1982 12/08/2014

Hi Everyone, Thank you for all the support. I have no problem answering any questions publicly, since in order for anyone to help, you must know/understand the whole story. So, here I go... answering any questions that have been posted thus far...
I have 4 children (all girls) Breanna (14) adopted and live in TX with ex husband's family; Savannah (13) and Justine (12) live wth their father, Justin, who is the ex I was talking about; and, Billie-Jo (10) who was adopted by her foster family and lives locally. Breanna's father was Roy, who was 24 when I was 16, and abandoned me during my pregnancy with Breanna. I later married Justin, who was in the military because he offered to take care of me and Breanna, knowing that Breanna wasn't his biological daughter. Savannah, honestly, I am not 100% sure if Justin is her father. Justin and I seperated for a while right before Savannah was conceived and we chose not to do a DNA that we'd rather not know.. Justin is Justine's father and Billie-Jo is my 2nd husbands daughter.
Now, to answer "feelings" questions: I have not paid child support because I have been unemployed. I have had odd jobs here and there but it was just enough money to contribute to the household. I didn't see my gitls from 2002 until 2010 because when I left Justin, he refused to allow me to see them. When I moved back in with Justin at the end of 2010, I got arrested and put into program after program for most of 2011 and 2012. In Dec 2012, I was sentenced to prison. When I was released from priison, I went home to my girls and Justin, but quickly realized that Justin was addicted to prescription medications. I then chose to leave him again. I could not nor would I subject myself to that lifstyle once again. Nor would I take the chance of going back down that road. Yes, I did mention Justin on prescription pills, and I questioned the safety of my girl's due to this, therefore I contacted DCF and had them open an investigation. I spoke with the investigator a couple of times and once he drug screened everyone in the house, he said he did a pill count on all their medications, which ended up being the way they we're supposed to be. Either he knew of this drug screen and prepared himself or he's no longer taking the medications like he did while I was there. I pray that someday my kids will want to reconnect with me. That's the only thing keeping me from losing it. I came pretty close last night though... I don't have anymore fight left in me. I have fought all my lief and don't have the strength to fight anymore. I am definately going to sho

MrsHarlock1982 12/08/2014

sorry, didn't mean to send that just yet. I am definately going to show up to all court hearings, for a few reasons. Basically, Justin is trying to have me arrested for either failure to pay child support or failure to appear in court. I am not going to allow him to do that to me. Additionally, when Justin and I divorced, he advised me to not respond to any documents I received, nor to show up to any hearing because the divorce would be finalized faster if I didn't. I wanted it over and FAST, so I followed his advice. One other reason is because a few years ago, we had a hearing about the kids in court, and I had a warrant at the time, Justin swore to me he wouldn't turn me in but told the bailiff before I arrived that I was wanted, so they arrested me as soon as I walked in to the courtroom. I am not going to allow him to set me up like that again. I do. however. plan to tell the judge that this is the hardest decision that I have ever had to make in my life. That I feel like a piece of me is dying, I carried those girls during my pregnancy and gave birth to them. They are a part of me!!! Anyway, I will tell him that due to the situations of my past, I consent to the termination of my parental rights, because I feel it is in the best interest of my children. I know I am going to start crying, because just talkng about it here or to other people in my life, makes me cry.... I will also tell the judge that I pray, that someday, the kids will want to know me, talk to me, anything, and eventually they will contact me on their own devices. Right now, they have made it painfully clear that they don't want anything to do with me. Why should I fight them when it's clearly not what they want? This is definately the hardest decision that I have ever had to make in my life. Thank you all for your support. I know people look down on people like me, who have lost their kids....

lindajoan 12/08/2014

We do not judge, here. I think it was an excellent suggestion to write these precious, innocent children a letter letting them know they were loved by you. These letters could be opened when they are 21

Please seek the Lord and try to find a good Bible preaching church. This is what we all need. God bless you.

chocolatecat 12/08/2014

MrsHarlock - "but for the grace of God" we could all be in much worse situations and we do not judge you at all. It will be an amazing gift to your children some day that you have been able to overcome your difficult past and make positive steps forward. Keep on doing it, you will never regret the good choices you have been making. Eventually you will reap the rewards and benefits of doing the right thing. The Lord will never disappoint you. Yes, get plugged in at a good Bible preaching church, like lindajoan said. God bless!

feellinghelpless 12/09/2014

Before you decide to give up your parental rights try to have the judge say there has to be family mediation. That's where you see the girls with an assigned mediator. There you'll have a chance to explain your story and have a chance to spend time with your girls with a mediator. See how that goes 1st.

katesMom1995 12/09/2014

oh Mrs Harlock, there is absolutely no judgment here… there are none righteous, no not one says the Lord… we are all sinners in need of God's saving Grace. The amazing thing about God's grace is that it is free and it's ours if we accept it. God promises His mercies are new each morning. Seek the Lord, find a good church, a Christian counselor…trust the Lord, obey him from this day forward and leave all the consequences to Him. He will work things out and you will have your Romans 8:28 moment! XO

savedbyhim45 12/09/2014

A prayer for Mrs Harlock 198:
Holy Father, we ask you Lord to give our sister in Christ the wisdom to act in her and her children's behalf. Lord, make it clear to her what you want her to do. Comfort her in this time of need God. Grant her peace and surround her with your love Father.We pray for the children , to keep them safe and that they have happy and healthy lives. We pray that they are able to reconnect with their mother. We pray that you will continue to be the guiding light to Mrs Harlock 198, In the majestic and powerful name of Jesus we pray. Amen

sallyannlass 12/09/2014

Amen.

katesMom1995 12/10/2014

amen

Mommadarling 12/10/2014

I have joined my heart to savedbyhim's prayer for MrsHarlock.

MrsHarlock1982 12/11/2014

Thank you all for the support, it means so much to me!!! This has definately been the most emotional and stressful time of my life!!!

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