edr: I see it like this: We are only responsible for us ... It's about us and God ... we do good to others because we want to please God, not for anything else.
I know that when our kids don't respond 'normally' to our kindnesses and are cruel and mean, our human response is to pull back and change our behavior toward them ... but I think we have to change our perspective of how we view them ... with no expectation, ya know?
When you treat someone well ... your behavior is between you and God ... your reward is in heaven. How they respond is between them and God ... they answer for their behavior, not you.
Yes, it would all be wonderful if everyone were kind back to us, especially your children.
I happen to believe we are living in extraordinary times /// perhaps the 'terminal generation' that Jesus spoke of how things would be just prior to his return ... where there would be strife, their love would grow cold, etc.
I think all we can do as parents is to keep focusing on what it is God wants us to do, how he wants us to behave toward our children and everyone else each day ... our efforts should be that our behavior is pleasing to God. If we do that, we've done our job. It's that simple.
As for 'false hope' ... our hope is in Jesus and that is never false. We know he is able to work in our kids lives and when we see them act badly, we know that we need to pray more for them. However, the choice is theirs ... they have to make that decision to follow Him, or not and their bad behavior even when it is against us, their parents isn't really all that much about us ... They answer to God for their choices and behaviors ... I think we just need to step back and see their behavior for what it is ... rebellion against God.
We did our job, we raised them ... It's God's turn to 'teach' them now and guide them ... I see us Christian parents as a support role now, standing in the gap for them and praying.... Keep giving them back to Jesus! He's big enough to handle it ... this burden was never ours to carry.

never in my thoughts i would have thought my life would be the way it is. One day I seem to have a little happiness and then WHAM!!! There it goes, i know alot of us here will go through or have already been through and still going through it. Will i ever learn to just let them go,and be numb for the feelings i have or longing for?

Difficult, That was beautifully said. God can do far greater with our EC than we can. We must pray for them to come to Him. We must pray for ourselves to live the way He calls us to live no matter how they behave. If we have contact with our EC at all we can show them God's love.

My son had been totally estranged for a year and a half, and I have never even seen my youngest grandchild EVER! And then suddenly, out of nowhere, on the Saturday before Memorial Day he paid me a visit. Mind you, he did not bring the grandchildren, but at least he came to see us. It was only for one hour. One precious hour. And then he was gone. He has not responded to a single text or call. It is though it never happened. But at least God did answer my prayer. I DID get to see my son, and he seemed well. So I am thankful for that. Why did he suddenly decide to come? I have no idea. And why hasn't he responded since? Again, I am clueless. But I do know that God has his hand in all of this, because I have fully committed my child to him. I have not given up, but I have accepted it. I pray every day for him to turn to God, and for God to soften his heart. Hugs to you.

edr: You said: " Will i ever learn to just let them go,and be numb for the feelings i have or longing for?" I know exactly how you feel. I will say letting them go takes practice, literally praying and putting them in God's hands over and over and over again. Estrangement is a roller coaster ride, you get strapped in and then away we go with our emotions and feelings. That's why we need to trust Him and lean into His promises. We must remember what the Word of God says and trust and obey: " Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; ..." Philippians 4:6-7
6 " Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus"

I don't remember who said this, maybe Anne Graham Lotz, I'm not sure ... but it went something like: "Glance at your circumstances, but stare at Jesus." I have tried to remember that over and over again when I start feeling frustrated with estrangement. These circumstances are tough, that's for sure, but God built us for tough. The circumstances are there, yes, but we learn over time not to focus our attention there, on those bad, awful feelings of hurt and rejection, and instead focus on Jesus, His promises, knowing He hears our pleas, He knows our pain, the number of hairs on our head are numbered ... and He is working ... not in our own timing, but His...

Lindajoan: Thank you, I agree with you.

Poodlegirl: I know that when change comes, it comes suddenly out of the blue. I have a dear friend who had several of her children estrange. They all came back, but one, all after many years, suddenly, they appeared at her door without apology one by one. She never gave up praying for them and she is 80 years old now. She still prays for the one who has never returned, but she has peace beyond our understanding. Her testimony has been a real encouragement to me. HUGS!

ThankYou everyone, it just feels like, well i just dont know what it feels like,words cant decribe it. I am so tired now ,and i get up tired if that makes any sense. i sit on my commputer and read beautiful quotes,listen to beautiful songs, and ask God to help me, some mornings i tell my dh i hate to even wake up,and dh tells " it is you and me" and tells me he doesnt know what he would do without me. and we talk and dont know what we would do without each other. Sorry for pitty party just a little down today

Oh hon, you don't have to describe it, I have felt that and sometimes still do, that indescribable sorrow, I know it well.
Joni Ereckson Tada and people like her who suffer and understand suffering, have helped me so much. I also read scripture, and prayed and listened to worship songs ... which reminds me .. The Bible says, in Psalms ... "In His presence is fulness of joy" ... Joy is different than happiness, but we can still have joy, even in the unhappy times. We can find joy in His presence, so sometimes in the lowest of times, if I remember to just worship Him, I find joy there.

Here's a youtube of Joni Ereckson Tada ... I didn't have much time to find just the 'right one' to lift you up ... but you can start with this one ... and then look for her on youtube, she is SO ENCOURAGING ... I think youtube is a great resource for speakers like Joni. Anyone else have any favorite ENCOURAGERS we can listen to online? Hang in there hon, it gets better, it really does ... and you know what, we have Jesus, who knows the meaning of suffering and rejection ... we get to lean on Him, while the world struggles utterly alone. How lucky are we that we know Him and have Him as our Shepherd.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrO5fGSIyM8

Joni is a hero of the faith to me.

We are blessed if we have a DH who wants to be with us. That is a gift of God. We must put ever part of our life in the hands of God He will answer prayer in His way and His timing. You are never alone. The enemy wants us to live in defeat but the Lord wants us to live in Joy. He is our Joy.

Personally if I have ever learned anything in this life it is~~~> being a parent is a true roller coaster ride....if we decide to get on the ride then we are going to experience the results of it.

Difficulttime.....you have explained all of this very well thank you. You described this 80 year old lady ~~~> They all came back, but one, all after many years, suddenly, they appeared at her door without apology one by one. Excuse me...without apology???? Did she take out the egg shells again then?

God wants us to keep our focus on him and once our job is done raising children, let them go....we cannot program them to be what we WISH they were. The Bible says to "keep running the race to win". We will all stand before the Lord in the end and give an account how we used our time here on earth...it is first to spread the good news of salvation to others.

Since we have made the choice to not encourage or take part in the "roller coaster" ride any longer we are way more happier and content. If they were so unhappy with their parents we figured maybe they could find new ones.

Bella, yes, without apology! That's what I said to her too!!!! What is amazing about this woman is that she looks maybe 60, even though she's 80. She said the burden of what her children did was 'too heavy for her' ... she was able to forgive them before they ever came back. Some literally showing up after 5, or 7 years ... She said, she was overwhelmed with emotion and just cried and they hugged her and they picked up where they left off.
I don't think she walks on egg shells, although she is a very kind and gentle person. She does not allow her adult children to mistreat her or treat her with disrespect ... She is a widow and I think that she has an extra layer of protection on her or something. She is truly amazing. She is one of those gems that God just brought into my life unexpectedly. I met her in real life, not at any support group or anything, and the subject of adult kids just came up and she started telling me her story ... Isn't it great how good God is and how he brings people in our lives at just the right time?!!!!

r I am sending you hugs..I know the roller coaster ride you are on with hope You are not over reacting. You are not alone

Difficult time you words of encouragement are so true

" I see it like this: We are only responsible for us ... It's about us and God ... we do good to others because we want to please God, not for anything else."


So true...Knowing this has helped me do the right thing when I have been faced with rejection.


"When you treat someone well ... your behavior is between you and God ... your reward is in heaven. How they respond is between them and God ... they answer for their behavior, not you."

That truth has freed me from the need to judge...The next step for me was to forgive
not just for my son's sake but for my sake

Feelings are the tricky part. They lead to a pack of lies waiting to torment
My prayers involve a lot of ranting and raving with finally giving him up to his Father
Things haven't changed but God is changing me
Hang in there edr

Today is our son bday and came by for a few min,was glad to see him didnt bring gs and i didnt ask.Became down in the dumps after he left, son and dil leaving tomarrow to her family in west virgina. I just dont think things are going to change most likely get worse.Dil is getting me and dh where it hurts the most by not letting us see our gs.Dil still hasnt seen,called dh since his surgery but guess what? Dh still alive without her! We always had cake,hotdogs and a little meal for son,and all holidays in one,and i know dil is having something for our son at there home.He came and got his gift no money refused to do that anymore he would just give it to her.Boy this really hurts.thanks for listening to me!

I'm sorry edr. It is so hard when we see things change from what they were. It seems in these days and times our AC (whether estranged or not) are doing their own thing apart from parents. Some of it is normal but it still hurts. I think more and more we need to be appreciative of the ones who love us and choose to be with us. The others only God can change.

Amen lindajoan. I have been blessed with an amazing son. He is Godly, loyal, and treats me with honor and respect. He reminds me during difficult times (ED's B-day, GC's B-day's) that I have always been a good mother, and the choices his sister made for her life are her own, and she will reap the sad reward for those choices oneday.

I feel as though I spend so much time mourning the loss of one child, that I forget to celebrate the one who is amazing. I know The Lord will reward him for how respectfully he treats me.

I should have concluded my post with saying how very much I love my son, and am grateful to The Lord for giving him to me. :)