I'm sorry your feeling sad. All holidays are this way and we must find new ways to cope. Praying tomorrow will be an easier day for you.

I agree. Holidays are dreadful in estrangement. I, too, saw wonderful, happy families together this weekend for the holiday. That is all I ever wanted. My ED's poor, selfish, sinful choices have affected our entire family. She doesn't notice or care. It's all about her and her new family, which is so screwed up we don't even have room here....

I like a post from last week entitled "Love the one you're with". Great mindset for us to have- to enjoy and invest in the people that actually do want to be in our lives.

Soverysad, Can you give us an update regarding your ES?

It is sad. Only God can change our EC and one day he may. Until then, I agree with appreciating the ones who want to be with us. They must not be taken for granted.

I understand how you feel. Christmas was the worst for me even worse than Mothers Day or birthdays (theirs and ours). Last Christmas actually went ok, I too learned to love the ones you're with. What helped me was to think of my son as dead. That may sound cold but, it really helped me. I still loved him but learned to have no expectations of seeing him here on earth. I would tell myself on some level everything was over with and okay, as I believe it will be when we are all on the other side with Jesus (hope that makes sense). There is a hole in our heart created by estrangement, we can heal but there is tissue left. What a beautiful testimony to still be able to love after what you're going through.
Hoping you're feeling better. Be easy on yourself and take care

Holidays are horrible. The main thing getting me through this one is the fact that my 85 year old mother in law is here staying with us because she had surgery on Thursday, and is recovering here with us. So I am just concentrating on her and that takes my mind off of it. It is also such a clear picture of the way children ought to respect their parents. Even though she and I have had our ups and downs through the years, she is still my husband's mother and I would NEVER mistreat her. If only my own son would treat me this way.

We stayed home and did nothing and watching the children come and pick up there parents for bbq,and the parents taking foil pan of goodies,we live in 55+ community. Yea its sad!

okaynow......that is how I feel too about EC pretending they are not alive. Because in my world our relationship with them is not. We walked away from the abuse and meanness. I have no expectations from our two EC because we have learned that in order to keep ourselves and our relationship with each other healthy we needed to stay away from them.

Having a relationship with some people is like walking into a war zone looking for and expecting peace. Remember.....just because some relationships in families look all peaceful and loving does not mean they are. I have found people put on a really good act when they want to and will do it at ALL costs to impress others.

Bella - you got that right! And from my experience most people don't care about your story anyway. I work with a woman who told me last week, she's fake most of the time. I told her she doesn't have to be. It's just better to be yourself. If people are gonna judge they will judge you even if you appear to walk on water.
edr - There just might be others in your community with similar circumstances. You may run into someone like that soon.
My goal is to live in a 55+ community. We can't right now as our daughter and family are staying with us till they get back on their feet. I want to live where there are people my age I can relate to. I don't want to end up being the only old lady on the block.

okaynow- its a adjustment but its nice,no yardwork,snow removal,everyone so far is verynice some we feel we have known for a long time and we have been here 2 yrs this month.My dh says he feels better here for me in case something happens to him,and i say the samefor him also.Each have thought about each other down the road in our life.So we dont have to burden our children for any finacial help .

I am doing better thanks to all of you. I realize that my ED is not the same person that I miss. I don't want a relationship with the person she has become and neither do her siblings. This knowledge has helped me heal.
I do struggle still with the thoughts of "what if". What if I had done things differently. Handled things differently. Said something differently. But then God reminds me that she and her husband were changing and distancing themselves from the family gradually before they actually made the big break.

Linda Joan here is the latest. We saw son at his college graduation two months ago after a year and a half of not seeing him. He didn't really want us there but he did talk to me briefly. Now nothing since. He won't answer any email. I can tell he has read it but will not answer. Thank you to all with your words of encouragement. This is so hard for all of us here. I just never thought my loving son would turn on me. I still believe dil is behind it all.

I am sorry soverysad. I recall that you mentioned it was a Christian college. I am sure you and your DH did a lot for your ES. It sounds like there could be some DIL's influence. Is he going into the service? God can change things.

God bless you.

soverysad - my son's estrangement was due to DIL. She ended up cheating on him and now they're divorced. Spouses have more of an influence than parents. EC's are put in a horrible position when they're married to controlling, uncaring people. I too was very close to my son. Of all of our children I would never have that he would estrange us. The DIL may be so evil that God is protecting you by not having them in your life. I pray that God will comfort you.

Okaynow. You are so right when you said God is protecting us from not having them in our lives right now. This is so true. I know my SIL is evil. I saw things about him even before my ED disowned me. It's the HolySpirit in us that warns us. God is on our sides. He is protecting us while He is working behind the scenes.
We are all strong in the Lord. He will never leave us or forsake us.

Sylvia - so many times i would feel like God was telling me he was protecting me. However, being stubborn i didn't want to believe that. I wanted my son back. I would wring my hands (at least in my head) thinking I must have been the worst mom in the world. Or the many sins I had committed throughout my life in actions and thoughts and that I was getting paid back. i confided these thoughts to a friend of mine who told me that maybe it wasn't about my karma but it may be something my son had to go through like his destiny. Now, he is back (only a couple of months), His pain and loneliness is horrible. I don't think he particularly thinks about what his family went through in his absence.But, right now he needs us.
He also now has a job in law enforcement...nice time for that, right? So, I pray for his safety too.
So once they come back, there is a whole lot of mess to clean. But, it beats the other side of the story.
Praying you all have a smooth day