CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Well here we sit waiting for ES to text or call us back. He had called on Mothers Day and my birthday. The conversation of course was all about him and during this conversation he told his father that he doesn't know if we will ever get to see our GD ever again. Happy Birthday to me! I initiated the text yesterday trying to find out when a certain event would be taking place. Does it really take over 24 hours to text back - I don't think so. My DH called him and left a message - can you please have the consideration to respond to your moms text. Still nothing. OK - we haven't done anything but why do I feel so guilty. Kind of pissed off at myself as I put myself out there for more hurt and rejection. I feel like I have to start all over again - everyone tells me I need to be the bigger person - I'm so tired of this. I just want this all to be over - not sleeping and so angry most of the time. Any suggestions?
When you are not receiving an immediate text response back, that clearly indicates they are purposely delaying contact because they don't want you to attend that event or to be a part of something where they will be too. Involving your DH obviously doesn't help or matter either as they are still set on isolating and depriving you of everything involved in their own self-serving world. What are you truly feeling guilty about? What actions prompted this response in you? Do you feel personally responsible and are accepting blame since you feel you were the one to upset them since you initiated the text? Yes, it definitely hurts when we've set ourselves up only to be stung and hurt again and again. Failing to reach them by any communication means only inflicts more pain into an already wounded heart. Who is telling you that you need to be the bigger person? Are they experts and do they walk in your moccasins? Why do you feel you need to start all over? What are your options and plans if and when starting over? Who is pressuring you to do this? If you wish to end this misery and for it to be over, you have to be the one in total control and not allow them to emotionally control you anymore. There is a difference. To overcome this, you must DETACH from them to prevent yourself from being in constant turmoil which is the very thing preventing sleep while keeping you uptight and angry. I myself have chosen to temporarily detach from my ED until her heart is deeply convicted and she accepts total responsibility for our estrangement. I cannot come up with any magical tricks to change or convince her of anything, so the heavy burden is on her back until she is ready to mature and treat me civilly and loving as her caring mother. Any attempts I try that she does not welcome is a big waste of time and energy on my part. I'm exhausted at my age and don't have the fight and strength in me to try winning a losing battle. As long as my ED maintains a lousy attitude and opinion along with my rotten SIL who has no use for me, I cannot change a thing no matter what I do. Only God can get to the root of the problem by dealing with ED herself. All of our human attempts are total failures because we cannot fix things, only God can. My message to you and everyone here is to pray and wait...pray and wait! Say this with me...PRAY AND WAIT. Instead of taking care of you and your needs, you are continuing to concern yourself more with them when they could care less and keep rejecting you while heaping on more pain. They have clearly given you the message they do not want you in their lives. When your ES talked only of himself and the hurtful dig about never seeing your GD again to your DH, that is a sign he is done and finished with you. He's not concerned about you because he never bothered asking you questions about your life or what you have been doing. His world revolves only around his wife and himself as well as his daughter. It's a reality we all must accept and come to terms with our ECs. It's terribly ugly and we hate it, but we have to learn to accept it, deal with it and cope with God's divine help. You must make the decision to break yourself free of this cycle or continue allowing it to consume your life. So many times I have thought about making contact with my ED, but already know in advance what will result, so I have decided to spare myself anymore grief and rejection. It's simply not worth it! I will be praying for you to know how to overcome your painful circumstances. There are no quick fixes or easy answers for any of us, but we know we have God on our side and He is our source of help and strength to manage our own lives and future.
"Beautiful things happen in your life when you distance yourself from all the negative things."
~Unknown Source~
An example: I have encouraged nonstop my wonderful son to finish his college degree and he seems to balk, so I stopped and do not bring it up. Instead I just concentrate on the goodness of this wonderful son I have. Today at a wake I heard him chatting with a couple of the guys he grew up with in the neighborhood and he told them how he does plan to finish his degree. Praise God!!
And then we went to a restaurant for supper and he folded his hands and said a quick prayer before he ate. I always pray in my heart at a restaurant but he wasn't afraid to fold his hands.
Concentrating on the positive in my life and detaching from my ES has been so uplifting. I pray for my ES every day but only God can bring him back into my life. Until that happens, I need to live my life for me, for God and for all the good people in my life who love me.
olds not to even know how to communicate properly
I have struggled with complete estrangement from my ES and DIL. I have another son and husband who are wonderful and have no patience when it comes to my ES. Moms, on the other hand, gave birth to these children and love them unconditionally, so I think it is harder in some ways. Men seem stronger.
After over 5 years of estrangement, I made a conscious decision to "detach" and I feel liberated. I still think of and pray for my ES and DIL but have decided not to let them control the rest of my life. In addition to the love I have with my DH and good son, I have found hobbies, new friends, travel, a new church, etc. -- which gives me a reason to get up in the morning.
Do you have nieces or nephews or others in your life that you can enjoy time with?
Tiggywinkle - thank you for your comments. I hope that this site brings you peace and comfort. There are people who have been here what seems to be a long time and are very experienced in the estrangement situation. They are very wise and are always there to help you. Thank you to all of them!
I decided to take back the power. It is obvious right now that they aren't thinking about me so why am I wasting time thinking about them? Time to DETACH. Today I read the May 20, 2013 TIME magazine article called "Me Me Me" about our kids with their entitlement syndrome. Very interesting. Read it if you have a chance.
I have a granddaughter who I have never met. She will be 3 in July. I have hope that she will look up my DH and me when she is old enough to make her own decisions.
I have been concentrating on others lately, showing them love. Tonight I am going to a church women's night with a theme of Hawaiian Luau. And here is it raining and 49 degrees. But I am not giving in to the weather - I am wearing my Hawaiian clothes, even a lei, and am going to have a good time with Christian friends.
Remember - you are God's special child,made in his image and He wants you to be happy. Detach for a bit from your EC.
God bless us all with peace during the storm.
It was me who stated we all need to DETACH from our estranged children.